Husband is very secretive

[Anonymous]

My husband got a job in sales a few years ago. It involves a lot of travel to the west cost for several days at a time. I was always under the impression that he traveled by himself. It only came out recently that he is often accompanied by female staff. I know he is not having an affair, but I am hurt that he never revealed this fact to me. He claims it is all professional and he did not feel the need to bore me with such detail. Is this normal not to tell your spouse that you have a companion on your business trips? Surely, they have dinners together, etc . Am I being unreasonable thinking that he should have told me about it?

[Anonymous]

I would be unhappy about this but I might be crazy.

[Anonymous]

Ugh sales is a marriage killer. My DH got a job in it about 6m ago for the first time. It’s a lot to handle and I see it going in the wrong direction for him.
Has he ever been a flirt, etc before?
Probably need to stay a lot more in touch when he’s traveling from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh sales is a marriage killer. My DH got a job in it about 6m ago for the first time. It’s a lot to handle and I see it going in the wrong direction for him.
Has he ever been a flirt, etc before?
Probably need to stay a lot more in touch when he’s traveling from here on out.

I am not sure that he can be called a flirt, but he is definitely very friendly with people. There is a lot of socializing going on during his trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh sales is a marriage killer. My DH got a job in it about 6m ago for the first time. It’s a lot to handle and I see it going in the wrong direction for him.
Has he ever been a flirt, etc before?
Probably need to stay a lot more in touch when he’s traveling from here on out.

F*ck. I’m in a new relationship. I’m 32 and he’s 34. He’s in sales. Business trips, the whole nine yards. I always hear bad things about guys and sales and wondering if I should jump ship. He’s given me no indication he’s that type of person and is kind, generous, open (no lock on phone, we FaceTime when he’s at the hotel etc). I’ve been cheated on before (badly, for over a year it was happening and I had no idea) so I mentally and physically can’t handle any uncertainty.

Sorry OP to hijack.

[Anonymous]

As a woman in sales, I'm slightly offended at how you assume sales = cheating. At the end of the day, cheating is about your character. Yes, it's likely true that you'll be at wine dinners with colleagues and prospects of the opposite sex more so than some other professions, but how you handle those situations is about you and your commitment to your partner. I have a friend who is in healthcare and has cheated on every partner (3 now). I'm in sales, have been with my husband for almost 12 years and have never cheated and will never cheat.

Stop using a man or woman's career track as an excuse for their cheating behavior. Face it, you pick bad people but they pick totally normal careers.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know he is not cheating but I am wondering if I am in the wrong wanting to know that he traveled with a female companion for 4 days.

[Anonymous]

This is the PP woman in sales from above. I don't think you're wrong for being upset - but I guess it depends on how closely they have to work together. I don't tell my husband every single colleague I'm traveling with if we're a group of 3-5 people and going to a conference. But if I'm traveling with just 1 male and we're doing a presentation together or working closely then yes, my husband knows. Less b/c I want to be transparent and make sure he's comfortable and more b/c we talk about work and he'd probably know the client I'm going to see, who I'm going with, etc -- for no other reason than just "here's what I'm working on" talk and he'd wish me luck. I usually text him first and let me him know how meetings went. My husband actually is the farthest from the kind of person who would be in sales but we have a mutual interest in eachother's work just to be supportive about how we spend the vast majority of our day.

So yes, I would be slightly upset if I were you OP and I would also consider talking more about your work with eachother. It's a big part of your life and his life and can help your connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know he is not cheating but I am wondering if I am in the wrong wanting to know that he traveled with a female companion for 4 days.

It’s a strange omission.

I remember being at home with a special needs toddler and a baby and struggling mightily and then learning that DH had been having regular leisurely lunches with a female colleague during work hours.,He also was going to the gym during the workday and didn’t mention that either. It’s not that he was cheating on me it was that his life was still like it was in grad school while my life was completely exhausting and overwhelming and he left out those details on purpose so that he could continue to relax while I was dying - I never got a break in those 12 hours (special needs toddler never slept, crying, diapers, ...) . Yes I was mad. The omissions were dishonest and selfish - he was enjoying his life like that so he wasn’t going to share those details with me and possibly mess that up.

He did come around to also giving me some breaks before he went to work. He also stopped going to lunches only with that one gal by herself because frankly that made our marriage look bad and it was too intimate with just that gal - as he diversified his friend group he made some really good lifelong friends so that was good.

Your DH is leaving out details because he doesn’t want to negotiate things with you and that’s probavly not good. Just work on getting him to share details with you?

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I didn't realize my spouse had a "work wife" until he confessed it two years into the job. He never mentioned her until then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman in sales, I'm slightly offended at how you assume sales = cheating. At the end of the day, cheating is about your character. Yes, it's likely true that you'll be at wine dinners with colleagues and prospects of the opposite sex more so than some other professions, but how you handle those situations is about you and your commitment to your partner. I have a friend who is in healthcare and has cheated on every partner (3 now). I'm in sales, have been with my husband for almost 12 years and have never cheated and will never cheat.

Stop using a man or woman's career track as an excuse for their cheating behavior. Face it, you pick bad people but they pick totally normal careers.

+ 1. This is the attitude all women need. It's not your job, it's you (or him).

[Anonymous]

I dunno. My DH travels a lot and I'm sure he doesn't tell me every boring detail of a trip. But having a companion for the trip seems like the sort of thing that would come up just in normal conversation about work trips.

"boring trip, honey, but our flights were all on time, the hotel was fine, my presentation went well, we made a couple sales, and sally and I got to eat on the customer's dime at Nobu. it was great." right? like, it seems like it would just come up? unless he was hiding it? if you're sure he's not cheating, is it that he was afraid you would overreact and be jealous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman in sales, I'm slightly offended at how you assume sales = cheating. At the end of the day, cheating is about your character. Yes, it's likely true that you'll be at wine dinners with colleagues and prospects of the opposite sex more so than some other professions, but how you handle those situations is about you and your commitment to your partner. I have a friend who is in healthcare and has cheated on every partner (3 now). I'm in sales, have been with my husband for almost 12 years and have never cheated and will never cheat.

Stop using a man or woman's career track as an excuse for their cheating behavior. Face it, you pick bad people but they pick totally normal careers.

Of course it’s a generalization. I work with diverse groups of sales teams. Would say 2/3 men have a gut and are on their second marriage. There’s just a lot of opportunities for “entertainment.” Women in sales are a completely different breed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know he is not cheating but I am wondering if I am in the wrong wanting to know that he traveled with a female companion for 4 days.

It’s a strange omission.

I remember being at home with a special needs toddler and a baby and struggling mightily and then learning that DH had been having regular leisurely lunches with a female colleague during work hours.,He also was going to the gym during the workday and didn’t mention that either. It’s not that he was cheating on me it was that his life was still like it was in grad school while my life was completely exhausting and overwhelming and he left out those details on purpose so that he could continue to relax while I was dying - I never got a break in those 12 hours (special needs toddler never slept, crying, diapers, ...) . Yes I was mad. The omissions were dishonest and selfish - he was enjoying his life like that so he wasn’t going to share those details with me and possibly mess that up.

He did come around to also giving me some breaks before he went to work. He also stopped going to lunches only with that one gal by herself because frankly that made our marriage look bad and it was too intimate with just that gal - as he diversified his friend group he made some really good lifelong friends so that was good.

Your DH is leaving out details because he doesn’t want to negotiate things with you and that’s probavly not good. Just work on getting him to share details with you?

So your DH isn't allowed to eat lunch or go to the gym on his lunch break because you were a SAHM? That makes no sense. The logic of women on DH astounds me--"If I'm miserable at 'work' then he has to be too!" Psychos.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's not mentioning it because nothing's happening and he doesn't think it's important.