Husband is very secretive

[Anonymous]

He probably figured it wouldn't do you any good to imagine what he might be doing with coworkers who happen to be women.

I used to travel on business for work, sometimes with male coworkers. I was in a male-dominated business so it was actually really rare for me to have other females along. So I've had lots of meals and friendly drinks with dudes, and then we discuss the logistics of the next day's work and then go to our separate rooms.

I've had work husbands, i.e. the one guy at work with whom I could talk about serious stuff. Nothing inappropriate ever happened. I take my work seriously.

So I doubt you have to worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know he is not cheating but I am wondering if I am in the wrong wanting to know that he traveled with a female companion for 4 days.

It’s a strange omission.

I remember being at home with a special needs toddler and a baby and struggling mightily and then learning that DH had been having regular leisurely lunches with a female colleague during work hours.,He also was going to the gym during the workday and didn’t mention that either. It’s not that he was cheating on me it was that his life was still like it was in grad school while my life was completely exhausting and overwhelming and he left out those details on purpose so that he could continue to relax while I was dying - I never got a break in those 12 hours (special needs toddler never slept, crying, diapers, ...) . Yes I was mad. The omissions were dishonest and selfish - he was enjoying his life like that so he wasn’t going to share those details with me and possibly mess that up.

He did come around to also giving me some breaks before he went to work. He also stopped going to lunches only with that one gal by herself because frankly that made our marriage look bad and it was too intimate with just that gal - as he diversified his friend group he made some really good lifelong friends so that was good.

Your DH is leaving out details because he doesn’t want to negotiate things with you and that’s probavly not good. Just work on getting him to share details with you?

So your DH isn't allowed to eat lunch or go to the gym on his lunch break because you were a SAHM? That makes no sense. The logic of women on DH astounds me--"If I'm miserable at 'work' then he has to be too!" Psychos.

The problem wasn’t that her dh wasn’t equally miserable. The problem was that he was extending the work day not by working, but by enjoying his alone time at the gym. You know damn well he didn’t walk in the door and say, “Honey, I got to de-stress at the gym in the middle of the day and it made me feel better. I’m going to do the same for you. I’ll take over the kids for a bit. Go do whatever you want for an hour.” He kept his gym time a secret so she wouldn’t resent it because she didn’t have the same opportunity. PP explained what the issue was very well. Don’t be deliberately obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know he is not cheating but I am wondering if I am in the wrong wanting to know that he traveled with a female companion for 4 days.

It’s a strange omission.

I remember being at home with a special needs toddler and a baby and struggling mightily and then learning that DH had been having regular leisurely lunches with a female colleague during work hours.,He also was going to the gym during the workday and didn’t mention that either. It’s not that he was cheating on me it was that his life was still like it was in grad school while my life was completely exhausting and overwhelming and he left out those details on purpose so that he could continue to relax while I was dying - I never got a break in those 12 hours (special needs toddler never slept, crying, diapers, ...) . Yes I was mad. The omissions were dishonest and selfish - he was enjoying his life like that so he wasn’t going to share those details with me and possibly mess that up.

He did come around to also giving me some breaks before he went to work. He also stopped going to lunches only with that one gal by herself because frankly that made our marriage look bad and it was too intimate with just that gal - as he diversified his friend group he made some really good lifelong friends so that was good.

Your DH is leaving out details because he doesn’t want to negotiate things with you and that’s probavly not good. Just work on getting him to share details with you?

Your situation is very similar to mine. He was in such a comfortable position doing his own thing, not having to explain anything, but these things will always come out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem wasn’t that her dh wasn’t equally miserable. The problem was that he was extending the work day not by working, but by enjoying his alone time at the gym. You know damn well he didn’t walk in the door and say, “Honey, I got to de-stress at the gym in the middle of the day and it made me feel better. I’m going to do the same for you. I’ll take over the kids for a bit. Go do whatever you want for an hour.” He kept his gym time a secret so she wouldn’t resent it because she didn’t have the same opportunity. PP explained what the issue was very well. Don’t be deliberately obtuse.

It's not his fault she has poor time-management and child-management skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem wasn’t that her dh wasn’t equally miserable. The problem was that he was extending the work day not by working, but by enjoying his alone time at the gym. You know damn well he didn’t walk in the door and say, “Honey, I got to de-stress at the gym in the middle of the day and it made me feel better. I’m going to do the same for you. I’ll take over the kids for a bit. Go do whatever you want for an hour.” He kept his gym time a secret so she wouldn’t resent it because she didn’t have the same opportunity. PP explained what the issue was very well. Don’t be deliberately obtuse.

It's not his fault she has poor time-management and child-management skills.

No, but it is his fault that he’s an asshole, same as you.

[Anonymous]

How much have you ever talked about the details of his work? If he tells a lot of work related stories or anecdotes about his travel and has never said the word 'we' then I think -male or female coworkers aside- that's weird as hell.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know he is not cheating but I am wondering if I am in the wrong wanting to know that he traveled with a female companion for 4 days

It does matter to you - if you know it - plus you've escalated the omission to "secretive" behavior. Plus you are now having them have dinners together. OP, I'd say you are building a case, that your husband is doing the wrong thing. I imagine you pick-at-him and that you watch and wait for him to say the wrong thing. He's probably tired of it. Doesn't mean he's cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much have you ever talked about the details of his work? If he tells a lot of work related stories or anecdotes about his travel and has never said the word 'we' then I think -male or female coworkers aside- that's weird as hell.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I know he is not cheating but I am wondering if I am in the wrong wanting to know that he traveled with a female companion for 4 days

It does matter to you - if you know it - plus you've escalated the omission to "secretive" behavior. Plus you are now having them have dinners together. OP, I'd say you are building a case, that your husband is doing the wrong thing. I imagine you pick-at-him and that you watch and wait for him to say the wrong thing. He's probably tired of it. Doesn't mean he's cheating.

+1

[Anonymous]

You've repeatedly said that you KNOW he isn't cheating... but how could you possibly KNOW for sure?

Especially from someone who lies by omission on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman in sales, I'm slightly offended at how you assume sales = cheating. At the end of the day, cheating is about your character. Yes, it's likely true that you'll be at wine dinners with colleagues and prospects of the opposite sex more so than some other professions, but how you handle those situations is about you and your commitment to your partner. I have a friend who is in healthcare and has cheated on every partner (3 now). I'm in sales, have been with my husband for almost 12 years and have never cheated and will never cheat.

Stop using a man or woman's career track as an excuse for their cheating behavior. Face it, you pick bad people but they pick totally normal careers.

Yes, cheating is about character, but it's also partially about not putting yourself in bad situations, which can happen with you travel and socialize a lot with members of the opposite sex. I'm no Mike Pence, thinking that spouses shouldn't ever be allowed to have a meal with a member of the opposite sex, but I'm also not totally blind to the way things can tend to happen in certain situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I didn't realize my spouse had a "work wife" until he confessed it two years into the job. He never mentioned her until then.

I didn't tend to talk about my work husband a lot either. My real husband knew who he was, but I certainly didn't give him a rundown of every encounter/meal/conversation from the day. And no, I never cheated on my husband, with my work husband or anyone else.

OP, your husband might have been obtuse on purpose or he might have just not mentioned it because you hadn't asked. Every time my husband travels I ask him who he's going with, partially because I want to know who I could contact in case of an emergency if I can't reach him (we have young babies and he often has to leave his phone when he goes into secure locations and can therefore be tough to get a hold of - and no, I'm not the crazy OP from the other post and I don't expect him to always immediately reply to me). If I didn't ask, he wouldn't tell me, because it wouldn't occur to him to do so.

[Anonymous]

My DH doesn't travel with "female companions" he travels with business associates some of whom are female. He rarely tells me who he is traveling with and I rarely ask. Now, it helps that we have been happily married a long time. If our marriage was rocky I might think differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know he is not cheating but I am wondering if I am in the wrong wanting to know that he traveled with a female companion for 4 days.

It’s a strange omission.

I remember being at home with a special needs toddler and a baby and struggling mightily and then learning that DH had been having regular leisurely lunches with a female colleague during work hours.,He also was going to the gym during the workday and didn’t mention that either. It’s not that he was cheating on me it was that his life was still like it was in grad school while my life was completely exhausting and overwhelming and he left out those details on purpose so that he could continue to relax while I was dying - I never got a break in those 12 hours (special needs toddler never slept, crying, diapers, ...) . Yes I was mad. The omissions were dishonest and selfish - he was enjoying his life like that so he wasn’t going to share those details with me and possibly mess that up.

He did come around to also giving me some breaks before he went to work. He also stopped going to lunches only with that one gal by herself because frankly that made our marriage look bad and it was too intimate with just that gal - as he diversified his friend group he made some really good lifelong friends so that was good.

Your DH is leaving out details because he doesn’t want to negotiate things with you and that’s probavly not good. Just work on getting him to share details with you?

Your situation is very similar to mine. He was in such a comfortable position doing his own thing, not having to explain anything, but these things will always come out.

It’s just a maddening level of entitlement. It changed to be more equal in our relationship and that was a good thing.

[Anonymous]

You've repeated that you KNOW he's not having an affair.

Really?