Family asking for help, but they're just enablers. How to help them?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My cousin lives with our grandparents and he is 24. He doesn't work and is not in school or any type of technical program. He fills his days with smoking cigarettes, watching tv, playing video games and running errands with grandparents. He has been with them since he was 17 and our grandma has taken him to several doctors for his "issues". He apparently has bipolar depression, anxiety, and is injured so he can't work. He gets a disability check and the household gets food stamps.
Basically, my grandma treats him like an infant. At one point in the last few years he had a seasonal job which he left after the holiday season, so he is clearly capable of working a basic retail job. I told him that if he wanted, I could help him with applications and such to see about finding another job maybe in some type of trade so he can get on a career path. Grandma wanted me to help him as well because she is concerned that he is going to become homeless once she and grandpa are gone (he is under the impression that he will get the house). So I helped him with applications and interviews, and he told me one interview went well. Turns out he never even went. Not only did he lie about going, our grandma covered for him and told me she thinks it went well. I'm pissed. So she goes back and forth between wanting him to be more independent and saying "he's not mentally ready for a job yet". But both my grandparents have come to me and want me to help him get to be more independent so he won't be a bum when he's 45. He had a girlfriend for about 4 months and she was really sweet and smart. She was in college and about to graduate, she eventually left him because he won't grow up and he thinks that his $400/month disability check is enough to sustain them (he wanted to marry her). My point is, how can I help my cousin to do this? My aunt (his mom) knows he needs to get up and get moving, but she doesn't like having that conversation with him. Does anyone have someone like this in your family? What finally made it "click" for them? Did it ever? |
Anonymous
| I'd be concerned about your grandparents giving him the house... "because he'll have no place to live." |
Anonymous
| My step-grandmother has an almost 26 year old living in her basement, doing the same thing ( minus the disability and food stamps). He even went as far as to climb in a window and not shut it, she had to climb up a ladder to shut it, and broke her hip in the process. Her excuse for him: his parents are divorced, therefore he can't work. My mom went off on her one day and told her that I am divorced and that my boys, all around the same age, lead productive lives, are hard workers, and do not mooch off anyone, so she's tired of hearing that as an excuse. As long as someone will enable, a weak person will take from them. He needs a royal wake-up call. I never enable, and my boys would be ashamed to behave that way. |
Anonymous
| What kind of help do they want? |
Anonymous
I honestly don't care if they give him the house. I'm more concerned about the fact that he thinks that his disability check would be enough to manage all expenses. It's like he doesn't see the point of getting a job. His ex GF who left him has several disabilities but she still works FT and goes to school. He told her one time (and I heard this) that she should get disability, then she wouldn't have to go to work. She replied that she makes more working than she would ever get from a govt check. It is completely foreign to him that $400 is not enough to live on every month. He spends money on video games and snacks, so the money goes pretty far. Ugh, my grandma thought he would just grow up when he acted like this at 18 and now he's almost 25 and shows no improvement. |
Anonymous
They want me to sort of take him under my wing and help him be an adult but there is just so much that he doesn't know and doesn't care to know. |
Anonymous
|
I know it's hard not to pile opprobrium on the young adult, but some REALLY can't help themselves. There are many like this, want to know why? Because their issues were not well managed (or even evaluated and diagnosed) when they were children. My husband's nephew is like this. He grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family, never got the help he desperately needed, and has so far been diagnosed with suicidal depression and Asperger's syndrome (in another country with a different set of psychiatric standards). Personally I believe he really has severe ADHD, just like my son and husband. Runs in the family, right? And his symptoms fit, but the complexities of ADHD are not well-known in his country, sadly. So despite a high IQ and perfect grades and SATs, he dropped out of college, and stayed home playing video games. Now he has a "PR job" with an internet start-up and I really hope it's real! Be kind, and please don't think you know best and can direct his life. Keep him connected with his doctors - that's the most critical help you can give him. If it's really bipolar disorder, then he desperately needs to stay on his meds, and the problem with bipolar is that when the patient is in the manic phase, they sometimes don't believe they need treatment. |
Anonymous
|
PP again - one more thing.
The risks, with severe mental disorders, are crime, homelessness and drug abuse. There may come a time when you might wish he had the grandparents' house to have a roof over his head. Tread gently. |
Anonymous
He has to start somewhere. |
Anonymous
| good for GF for leaving this loser. |
Anonymous
|
Op here.
I'm not saying that I don't think his disabilities are real, it's just that he (and my grandma) overhypes them. I was at their house and asked him to help me bring in some things from the car, he said he was "feeling drowsy because he took some ibuprofen earlier". I was like.... wut? That doesn't makes sense. As for his anxiety and depression, I believe that he gets anxious and depressed, but I think that grandma has basically allowed him to use it as a crutch, a reason why he won't amount to anything instead of something to work in spite of. Every conversation with him is so maddening because it goes like this. Me: Hey, how are you today? Him: Good, you? Me: I'm ok. What are you up to? H: Not much, just relaxing. Do you want to come over and watch Tv and eat lunch with us today? Me: I can come for a little bit but I have to go to work at 4. They never really leave the house except for errands once or twice a week. In case you were wondering about my grandpa, he thinks my cousin is full of it, but just goes along with it, because he doesn't want to upset his wife. I'm pretty sure if something happens to her, grandpa will kick my cousin out. |
Anonymous
I never said I don't want him to have the house. However, what's the harm in getting a job? Making life plans? Having goals? I tried to talk to him about what he might want to do as a career, go to comm college or learn a trade. He says that he won't go to the local CC because too many of his "enemies" from high school are there. So basically, it's like hitting a wall anytime anyone tries to talk to him about bettering himself. He is constantly trying to get his ex GF back. She loves him and cares about him, but just pretty much didn't want to sign up for a life of taking care of an adult. I told him that maybe by getting a job and saving money, he could get her to see that he is serious about improving himself. That still isn't enough motivation for him. I'm still friends with her. He seems to think that all he has to say is "I love you and I promise I'll do better" and she is supposed to come running back to him. |
Anonymous
| Can people on disability work ? I thought they got money because they can't work ? Can they only work part time ? |
Anonymous
|
This year I had my first experience with addiction in my family. And I discovered how easy it is is to label other people "enablers" from a distance. And how hard it is to sort through these issues on a daily -hour to hour, minute to minute - basis. OP, these people are trying to get through their day. Sitting on the sidelines and calling out "Enabler" after the fact is not only unhelpful, it actually adds pressure and problems.
If you want to help, then help. But scolding them? Please. |
Anonymous
My brother was on disability. The number of hours he could work and the amount of money he could earn was limited, but he did work part time. Disability isn't a ton of money, and frankly, he felt better about himself having a job, and it was good for him to have something to do rather than being able to sit around the house all day. |