Family asking for help, but they're just enablers. How to help them?

[Anonymous]

The problem is, is that he's never had to try to sustain himself on that $400/month check.

Until everyone bands together and makes him do that, he's not going to see what what he gets each month isn't enough to live on.

I bet he doesn't pay rent or really have to buy groceries, does he?

Your grandparents need to be firm and charge him rent. Then they need to make him chip in $x for groceries. Maybe once he has to pay $200 to live there an another $50-75 for food, he'll want a job that will give him more money for the leftovers, like cigs and video games.

[Anonymous]

Is he getting treatment at all for anxiety, depression, and, most importantly, bipolar?

Rather than trying to take this on on your own, I would look for any organizations or providers locally who might treat and counsel folks with his issues. Or a social worker.

He needs to want to be helped for you to be able to do much good.

[Anonymous]

Yes he is in treatment but my grandma and his doctor keep him on so many meds that there are often side effects and he needs them changed. So for about a year he has been on and off meds and they are playing around with the dosing.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. He should be forking over some of the $ to the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be concerned about your grandparents giving him the house... "because he'll have no place to live."

+1. Even if they give him the house how will he afford it? Utility bills, insurance, repairs etc. Not to mention the things that are free now such as food.

[Anonymous]

currently going thru this with my brother (24) he has not tried to do anything productive and dropped out of HS... he does not collect disability nor food stamps ...he lives with my parents

it is so aggravating seeing my mom enable his behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This year I had my first experience with addiction in my family. And I discovered how easy it is is to label other people "enablers" from a distance. And how hard it is to sort through these issues on a daily -hour to hour, minute to minute - basis. OP, these people are trying to get through their day. Sitting on the sidelines and calling out "Enabler" after the fact is not only unhelpful, it actually adds pressure and problems.

If you want to help, then help. But scolding them? Please.

I'm not scolding anyone. I'm asking here anon to see what to do. I don't tell them my true feelings, I just keep it neutral. It's easy to label others as enablers if they are, in fact, enablers. That doesn't mean they don't mean well or want the best for the person, but their actions still serve to enable bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is, is that he's never had to try to sustain himself on that $400/month check.

Until everyone bands together and makes him do that, he's not going to see what what he gets each month isn't enough to live on.

I bet he doesn't pay rent or really have to buy groceries, does he?

Your grandparents need to be firm and charge him rent. Then they need to make him chip in $x for groceries. Maybe once he has to pay $200 to live there an another $50-75 for food, he'll want a job that will give him more money for the leftovers, like cigs and video games.

This. If he is just living at your grandparents house for free and not paying anything the $400 is basically an allowance. So they have to make him kick in some money or he won’t realize how expensive being an adult is. Additionally, would it be possible for him to find a support group with people with similar issues in addition to doing the medication? I suspect that many people with his specific challenges are living a lot more productively than he is.

[Anonymous]

Your grandparents are sending mixed messages by talking out of both sides of their mouth. U need a family meeting setting with all involved in which the grandparents say in front of him that they need to make some changes and set goals and that they will stop continuing to cripple him.

Otherwise this is a whole set up for you always being the bad guy and the only one he hears this message from. These days the grandparents run in protecting him from mean old you when you ask the hard questions. That has to stop. Everyone needs to get on the same page here in front of him.

I think the grandparents are the problem and they need to acknowledge this. If the house isn’t going to him they also need to prepare him and tell him this and explain a little bit of how finances work. Aka $400 ain’t t sh!t.

[Anonymous]

“I’m hesitant to provide any more help because when I’ve done so in the past you all have lied to me about the results. I cannot put my livelihood or reputation on the line for someone who does not have the same care and concern for me.”

I would suggest looking into some community services help. Clearly he can never learn to manage spending if he has no way to practice.

[Anonymous]

You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

[Anonymous]

If he clearly has the issues you described then I see no issue with him collecting disability, also I see no issue with him inheriting the house to keep him from being homeless, I feel for you though, I have a brother that is in his 50's and has lived with my mom his entire life, and has not had a job in over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be concerned about your grandparents giving him the house... "because he'll have no place to live."

+1. Even if they give him the house how will he afford it? Utility bills, insurance, repairs etc. Not to mention the things that are free now such as food.

Forget all of that, that's nothing compared to what he'll have to pay in property tax each year... yikes!

Even if your grandparents gift him the home, he can't avoid the thousands he'll HAVE to pay in property tax each & every year he lives there.

If he decides he can't (out worse, won't) pay the property taxes, the county/state will sell the property out from under him. They don't mess around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he clearly has the issues you described then I see no issue with him collecting disability, also I see no issue with him inheriting the house to keep him from being homeless, I feel for you though, I have a brother that is in his 50's and has lived with my mom his entire life, and has not had a job in over 20 years.

Yes he has issues. However, there are plenty of people who have mental problems and are able to be productive members of society. He has basically seen his diagnoses as an "out" and he is milking it for all it's worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I'm not saying that I don't think his disabilities are real, it's just that he (and my grandma) overhypes them. I was at their house and asked him to help me bring in some things from the car, he said he was "feeling drowsy because he took some ibuprofen earlier". I was like.... wut? That doesn't makes sense.

As for his anxiety and depression, I believe that he gets anxious and depressed, but I think that grandma has basically allowed him to use it as a crutch, a reason why he won't amount to anything instead of something to work in spite of.

Every conversation with him is so maddening because it goes like this.

Me: Hey, how are you today?
Him: Good, you?
Me: I'm ok. What are you up to?
H: Not much, just relaxing. Do you want to come over and watch Tv and eat lunch with us today?
Me: I can come for a little bit but I have to go to work at 4.


They never really leave the house except for errands once or twice a week. In case you were wondering about my grandpa, he thinks my cousin is full of it, but just goes along with it, because he doesn't want to upset his wife. I'm pretty sure if something happens to her, grandpa will kick my cousin out.