Family asking for help, but they're just enablers. How to help them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he clearly has the issues you described then I see no issue with him collecting disability, also I see no issue with him inheriting the house to keep him from being homeless, I feel for you though, I have a brother that is in his 50's and has lived with my mom his entire life, and has not had a job in over 20 years.

Yes he has issues. However, there are plenty of people who have mental problems and are able to be productive members of society. He has basically seen his diagnoses as an "out" and he is milking it for all it's worth.

Yes there are some with mental issues that with the right treatment are able to hold a job and be productive members of society and some are not able to which is why they are on disability. Its not always a laziness or a milking family issue.

[Anonymous]

If you are able to play video games, run errands, and get out of bed every day, you can probably hold a job. Especially since he has had one before. I have been depressed to the point of not being able to leave the house, and friends helped me to realize something was wrong and my medications were not working. If he is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication and STILL is unable to do anything for himself, then they need to reevaluate his treatment.

[Anonymous]

'But both my grandparents have come to me and want me to help him get to be more independent so he won't be a bum when he's 45.'

Sorry, but that stage passed about 10 years ago...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be concerned about your grandparents giving him the house... "because he'll have no place to live."

OP, you should explain to your grandparents that he'll lose the house in short order because he won't be able to pay the property taxes and utilities. He may be able to cover internet and water in $400/month but the city will put the house up for auction within a few years if the property taxes aren't paid. What a waste of your grandparents' hard work to lose a house they've probably spent years paying off.

Sorry you're in this position.

[Anonymous]

Are there halfway houses (maybe the wrong term -- independent living facility?) for people like him? Take him at his word that he's too depressed and disabled to work and push him to find a home for developmentally delayed adults. He'll get out of there quickly if he doesn't need it.

My cousin has developmental disabilities but is able to work (night shift cleaning jobs) and his parents are looking for lndependent living facilities for him. He's about 40.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he needs:
(1) A scared straight budgeting program to make him realize that he won't be able to keep the house on the disability check, and won't be able to afford any real apartment on that either. Maybe a local social services agency that works with disabled people could help him? I think your grandparents will have to give him some incentive for going, though, or he won't.
(2) Then, when he wants help, a better therapy program to help him realize his goals for life and figure out a way to move towards them. DBT therapy is designed for this, but it's not generally cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be concerned about your grandparents giving him the house... "because he'll have no place to live."

I would stay the F away from this mess. He will likely inherit everything, including the house and most of the money. You will get peanuts.

Secondly once the last grandparents die and he gets everything, h will be fine and find a job to bide the time. He is played by you all. Don’t also be an enabler or codependent. Grandma sounds like a mess whoblikely raised her kids this way and now your delinquent cousin.

Just be pleasant, detached, zero expectations, never open your pocketbook and stay away more than you are.

This is exactly what one of my uncles did until age 45. Then grandpa died, he got 80% of the inheritance over his other five siblings, up and moved to Portland to do IT, is fine, is single.

[Anonymous]

Meant he is playing you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be concerned about your grandparents giving him the house... "because he'll have no place to live."

I would stay the F away from this mess. He will likely inherit everything, including the house and most of the money. You will get peanuts.

Secondly once the last grandparents die and he gets everything, h will be fine and find a job to bide the time. He is played by you all. Don’t also be an enabler or codependent. Grandma sounds like a mess whoblikely raised her kids this way and now your delinquent cousin.

Just be pleasant, detached, zero expectations, never open your pocketbook and stay away more than you are.

This is exactly what one of my uncles did until age 45. Then grandpa died, he got 80% of the inheritance over his other five siblings, up and moved to Portland to do IT, is fine, is single.

This. You need to wash your hands if this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be concerned about your grandparents giving him the house... "because he'll have no place to live."

I would stay the F away from this mess. He will likely inherit everything, including the house and most of the money. You will get peanuts.

Secondly once the last grandparents die and he gets everything, h will be fine and find a job to bide the time. He is played by you all. Don’t also be an enabler or codependent. Grandma sounds like a mess whoblikely raised her kids this way and now your delinquent cousin.

Just be pleasant, detached, zero expectations, never open your pocketbook and stay away more than you are.

This is exactly what one of my uncles did until age 45. Then grandpa died, he got 80% of the inheritance over his other five siblings, up and moved to Portland to do IT, is fine, is single.

This. You need to wash your hands if this, OP.

+1

My BIL was beyond enabled by his parents his whole life. Moving away really helps one grow up, see there are more than your parents' way of doing things, and see what can be improved in yourself/your life/their life.

BIL had over 4 graduate degrees funded by my spouse's parents. He boggled from music job to clean energy job to accounting job to software job - each time getting fired for acting immaturely and likely socially inept. That made him "depressed" and "scared to get a job."
His parents felt bad and then promptly bought him now three rental properties at $750k a pop on their home equity line, simply putting him on the title and deed each time (wow, nice gift for doing nothing!). Hope their retirement is in good shape.... We'll never know since my spouse is too scared to ask...
So it just keeps going and going. He had a good girlfriend for a while, and he is lots of fun (think travel, funny guy, no cares in the world), but as he spun his wheels and her career took off, he gets dumped and dumped again. Now he's 36. The web of co-dependency is thick, his parents never tried tough love, they actually run his rental properties (taxes, repairs, check-ins) for him though he likes to joke that he is indeed a Property Manager and Developer.

We suspect he'll inherit everything and we'll get nothing since "we have careers, a house, a family". We'll get the added benefit of having to take care and manage them in any old age ailments, since local bro is so irresponsible.

OP, take care of yourself. Are you married? ANy kids? Any other goals to accomplish? get going on those!

[Anonymous]

WHy WOULD you work if you had rental income from multiple properties!?! PP's BIL has zero incentive to hold down a job now. Such bad parenting, of adult child!

[Anonymous]

Can't believe tax payers foot the bill for this kind of jackass.
-seething liberal

[Anonymous]

When there are no consequences to any of your bad decisions, this will just continue.
It’s a shame your grandparents keep bailing him out. Where is his mother or father, btw? Something happen there that good ol grandma is trying to overcompensate for?