Grandparent solo vacation request not sitting well

[Anonymous]

There is a vacation destination/costal town that is very near and dear to my heart. I visited often as a child and I have great memories of my summers there. It hasn’t been in the cards for us to travel there since having our son, and I don’t see it happening soon, unfortunately. But I dream of the day I can show him this place and share my memories with him. But all of this is really no secret to anyone who knows me.

So you can imagine my surprise when DS (5.5) came home yesterday from his grandma’s (my MIL) and announced that his grandma has told him that, maybe over the summer, she and grandpa will take him to this place alone, without us! Just the three of them. And now he’s excited. And I don’t know whether to be mad that none of this was even brought up to us, and we weren’t even consulted. Or sad, because we weren’t asked along (not that we could go at this time, which is something they know.)

I discussed it with my husband, briefly, and said that this is something I can’t budge on. He neither agreed nor disagreed, because he isn’t taking it seriously. And to be honest, it isn’t serious yet, since we haven’t even been asked by them.

But how do I approach this if/when asked without sounding possessive? I sure don’t mind if he spends time with them, but regardless of location, I couldn’t let him travel alone that far (other end of the country) with them. And what’s worse, I feel like they chose that location on purpose. It feels almost spiteful. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

It isn't spiteful and they probably mean well.

Now deal with the only issue: you don't think your son is old enough for a trip without you, and they should have consulted with you and your husband before saying anything to the kid.

The rest is ego and a distraction.

[Anonymous]

1. Perhaps they're doing this on purpose to make you suffer.

2. Perhaps they have no clue you would take it this way, and would be so happy for your son to experience this place you love, since they understand you can't make it any time soon,

You could explain to them that you really wanted to be there WITH your son, the first time he goes there.
You could also say that he is too young right now to travel without at least one of his parents.

[Anonymous]

So they know this is a place you visited often as a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So they know this is a place you visited often as a child?

Yes. They know I went most summers, and that I’m waiting for the day to take him.

[Anonymous]

Are they normally vindictive like that? I mean, I would assume that they know you love the place and just want your son to experience it, but are not necessarily taking into account your desire to experience it with him. At least, I would assume that unless prior experience told me otherwise.

At any rate, it doesn't matter to deal with this. I'd just ask your husband to tell them to please not make promises to your son without speaking to you first, and he's too young for this trip.

Also, your DS may have gotten it wrong.

[Anonymous]

Do your in-laws have a history of being sneaky? If not, this is probably a case of them just being nice and wanting to take him somewhere. I'd feel like you do, though, and wouldn't' allow it. Just have your DH deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your in-laws have a history of being sneaky? If not, this is probably a case of them just being nice and wanting to take him somewhere. I'd feel like you do, though, and wouldn't' allow it. Just have your DH deal with it.

Unfortunately, they do. They are the “Mom and Dad said bedtime is 9pm, but we can stay up and eat ice cream until midnight. Don’t tell!” types. I understand that’s what grenadparents do, but I don’t like it. I don’t like it when my own mom does the same. It undermines me.

Another thing I just thought of is that, years ago when we were going to the beach here, my ILs mentioned that they don’t even like the beach. Too hot and “touristy”. But suddenly now it’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Did you go as a child with your parents? My dad went to Yellowstone (and surrounding areas) for a month every summer as a kid. When I was about 6, my grandparents started taking me too. I have really fond memories of this because grandpa died when I was 8.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't trust anyone else with my child near water. That is non-negotiable for me. No way would I trust an elderly person to watch my child near the ocean, a lake, etc. Until they're skilled swimmers, the only person who takes them near water is me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't trust anyone else with my child near water. That is non-negotiable for me. No way would I trust an elderly person to watch my child near the ocean, a lake, etc. Until they're skilled swimmers, the only person who takes them near water is me.

Good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your in-laws have a history of being sneaky? If not, this is probably a case of them just being nice and wanting to take him somewhere. I'd feel like you do, though, and wouldn't' allow it. Just have your DH deal with it.

Unfortunately, they do. They are the “Mom and Dad said bedtime is 9pm, but we can stay up and eat ice cream until midnight. Don’t tell!” types. I understand that’s what grenadparents do, but I don’t like it. I don’t like it when my own mom does the same. It undermines me.

Another thing I just thought of is that, years ago when we were going to the beach here, my ILs mentioned that they don’t even like the beach. Too hot and “touristy”. But suddenly now it’s ok.

This is not in the same category. You should stop trying to control everything about their time together. Let them stay up until midnight and have ice cream when they are together (just make sure it's on the weekend). It's not right for them not to listen to the parents, but also you should understand that grandparents should get to do some spoiling. I would lighten up in little things like this while also telling your husband to tell them the trip won't work.

I also don't find your 'other thing' persuasive. They are doing it for their grandkid, not themselves. I personally hate the beach, but I take my kids so they can enjoy it. So far they sound clueless and overstepping, but not purposely mean to you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t allow it simply on the basis that I don’t love the grandparents influences, in my case. My child has free reign at my parents and comes back thinking she can do whatever she wants, and I just don’t agree with much of what my ILs spew and try to brainwash into people.

Our kids see them, but limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your in-laws have a history of being sneaky? If not, this is probably a case of them just being nice and wanting to take him somewhere. I'd feel like you do, though, and wouldn't' allow it. Just have your DH deal with it.

Unfortunately, they do. They are the “Mom and Dad said bedtime is 9pm, but we can stay up and eat ice cream until midnight. Don’t tell!” types. I understand that’s what grenadparents do, but I don’t like it. I don’t like it when my own mom does the same. It undermines me.

Another thing I just thought of is that, years ago when we were going to the beach here, my ILs mentioned that they don’t even like the beach. Too hot and “touristy”. But suddenly now it’s ok.

This is not in the same category. You should stop trying to control everything about their time together. Let them stay up until midnight and have ice cream when they are together (just make sure it's on the weekend). It's not right for them not to listen to the parents, but also you should understand that grandparents should get to do some spoiling. I would lighten up in little things like this while also telling your husband to tell them the trip won't work.

I also don't find your 'other thing' persuasive. They are doing it for their grandkid, not themselves. I personally hate the beach, but I take my kids so they can enjoy it. So far they sound clueless and overstepping, but not purposely mean to you.

I’m glad you all are saying that, because I was worried.

Now that that is settled, I wonder if the best course of action would be to ask if they’d be willing to wait and go WITH us when we can all go together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your in-laws have a history of being sneaky? If not, this is probably a case of them just being nice and wanting to take him somewhere. I'd feel like you do, though, and wouldn't' allow it. Just have your DH deal with it.

Unfortunately, they do. They are the “Mom and Dad said bedtime is 9pm, but we can stay up and eat ice cream until midnight. Don’t tell!” types. I understand that’s what grenadparents do, but I don’t like it. I don’t like it when my own mom does the same. It undermines me.

Another thing I just thought of is that, years ago when we were going to the beach here, my ILs mentioned that they don’t even like the beach. Too hot and “touristy”. But suddenly now it’s ok.

This is not in the same category. You should stop trying to control everything about their time together. Let them stay up until midnight and have ice cream when they are together (just make sure it's on the weekend). It's not right for them not to listen to the parents, but also you should understand that grandparents should get to do some spoiling. I would lighten up in little things like this while also telling your husband to tell them the trip won't work.

I also don't find your 'other thing' persuasive. They are doing it for their grandkid, not themselves. I personally hate the beach, but I take my kids so they can enjoy it. So far they sound clueless and overstepping, but not purposely mean to you.

I’m glad you all are saying that, because I was worried.

Now that that is settled, I wonder if the best course of action would be to ask if they’d be willing to wait and go WITH us when we can all go together.

Don’t ask just let them know you aren’t comfortable with them taking your son on a trip alone. Related note to what someone else upthread...I used to lifeguard in grad school and I definitely would not trust two elderly people with a young child at the beach.