Grandparent solo vacation request not sitting well

[Anonymous]

My MIL would totally do something like this and frequently promises big things to my kids without discussing it with DH or me. I usually take a really vague "ok, we'll see" approach with my kids. With my MIL, I wait until SHE brings it up because until that happens, I really don't know if my kids misunderstood or if it's a serious plan. Once she mentions it, I respond with the most neutral, matter-of-fact reason why it won't work ("kids are too young", "doesn't work with our schedule" "we have other plans"). Less drama that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would totally do something like this and frequently promises big things to my kids without discussing it with DH or me. I usually take a really vague "ok, we'll see" approach with my kids. With my MIL, I wait until SHE brings it up because until that happens, I really don't know if my kids misunderstood or if it's a serious plan. Once she mentions it, I respond with the most neutral, matter-of-fact reason why it won't work ("kids are too young", "doesn't work with our schedule" "we have other plans"). Less drama that way.

Pretty much how we responded to MIL’s idea that we put our 7 year old on a cross country flight so she could attend camp near their house. There was so much no involved in that we didn’t even attempt to address her point by point of why it was a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Do ILs have any history there too or is it just your side of the family that does? If not, (and it’s really an off the grid place to randomly choose) then I would say it’s deliberate.

Either way, tell DS that in your family you take summer vacations together and while maybe he will do things here and there with his grandparents, big vacations are reserved for Mom, Dad and him as a family. That way ILs cannot object.

[Anonymous]

How you "approach this" is you say, "no"
You needn't say why. Not to them
Op, you are allowed a preference. Allowed to say, "no"
to anything at all, for any reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't trust anyone else with my child near water. That is non-negotiable for me. No way would I trust an elderly person to watch my child near the ocean, a lake, etc. Until they're skilled swimmers, the only person who takes them near water is me.

Good point.

++++100000

I bet the grandparents aren't even thinking about this. They're only thinking of their own good time and reliving old memories the way they want to. Some grandparents love the idea of turning their adult children fourth and fifth wheels.

[Anonymous]

I'd just pull the mommy card and say "thanks for thinking of him but not this time- this is MY jam! Another time would be fine though!" I normally feel like each person should deal with their family, but if DH can't represent your feelings and stance, you are the best one for the job.

I wouldn't even care about anyone's motivations. Let's assume they are loving grandparents who thought you'd be thrilled.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be comfortable with my kids flying w/o me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a vacation destination/costal town that is very near and dear to my heart. I visited often as a child and I have great memories of my summers there. It hasn’t been in the cards for us to travel there since having our son, and I don’t see it happening soon, unfortunately. But I dream of the day I can show him this place and share my memories with him. But all of this is really no secret to anyone who knows me.

So you can imagine my surprise when DS (5.5) came home yesterday from his grandma’s (my MIL) and announced that his grandma has told him that, maybe over the summer, she and grandpa will take him to this place alone, without us! Just the three of them. And now he’s excited. And I don’t know whether to be mad that none of this was even brought up to us, and we weren’t even consulted. Or sad, because we weren’t asked along (not that we could go at this time, which is something they know.)

I discussed it with my husband, briefly, and said that this is something I can’t budge on. He neither agreed nor disagreed, because he isn’t taking it seriously. And to be honest, it isn’t serious yet, since we haven’t even been asked by them.

But how do I approach this if/when asked without sounding possessive? I sure don’t mind if he spends time with them, but regardless of location, I couldn’t let him travel alone that far (other end of the country) with them. And what’s worse, I feel like they chose that location on purpose. It feels almost spiteful. Thoughts?

I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like they can take him there without your knowledge and permission. If and when they ask you, say this is an experience you want to share with your son first. Let them pick another destination. Who cares what their motives are? "Maybe over the summer" is basically another way to say "when apricots bloom". I.e. at some point in the future. Maybe. Maybe not. Don't borrow trouble.

[Anonymous]

My grandpa used to promise to take each grandchild to Las Vegas (in the 80s). My mom would nod and smile and say mmhmm and ignore. It never happened. Just ignore until an adult brings a plan to you.

[Anonymous]

I think that there will be lots of milestone moments in your child's life and you won't be able to be at each one. I actually think it would be good for your child to go just because you are so upset about him doing something without you. In the dynamic that you are describing, it sounds like you've got some areas that you probably need to address so that your relationship with your son is healthier.

[Anonymous]

You know that they have boundaries that are different than yours. You can take it personally or just deal with the problems as they arise. In this case, rather than be bothered, just be honest that you have fond childhood memories of BeachTown and DS won't be going there until you can take him there and introduce him to it the way you remember it. And that them taking him is not really an option. Additionally, you aren't ready for him to go someplace with safety issues like the beach without you. If they want to take the whole family to any other beach, they are welcome to pick a destination, but going without you and going to BeachTown are just not up for discussion.

I believe very firmly that when it comes to certain areas, you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be upset. We, as parents, define boundaries and I don't get invested or upset if someone wants to challenge those boundaries. I gently but firmly lay down the law on those boundaries that we have and don't let it bother me. If they want to try and get around my boundaries, it's not my problem and I don't let it bother me. It's their problem and as the parent, I will win. That said, I do discuss these boundaries with my spouse and we come to a unified decision how we will proceed.

Other than that, I am pretty lenient about what I let the grandparents do with the kids and we have taught our kids that extended family often don't follow our family rules. During their visits to us or our visits to them, we can bend the normal rules, but when we are home and they are gone, we go back to our household rules.

[Anonymous]

You MUST speak up! You are in charge! Do not budge! Say child came home and said about vacation. Said this is YOUR plan when he is older. Tell them not to get him excited about anything without your permission. You do not need your husband’s approval to say this! Done! Just think how tortured you would be while they are gone. No is the answer.
Who cares how excited child is? No, no and no!
It is your job to protect child and they have nothing to plan without your approval!
If you want to take your child to show him your dream place, you do it and they do not have to come AMEN. END of discussion.! You go, Mom! Your child, your plan. Speak up!

[Anonymous]

You seem really hung up on this place.

You might be disapointed your kid doesn't feel the same vibe once he's there -whether he's with you or your inlaws.
The place may have changed and is most likely not the same anymore from when you were there 20 years ago.
And how can your kid establish nostalgic memories if he is not spending summers there like you did (he's there for a few days with his grandparents, big diffetence)?

Your logic is flawed. Don't project your sentimental feelings about your teenage summer beach town on your 5 yr old (isnt that what youre trying to describe, but not saying it Op?).

I'm not saying don't ever talk about it, you should "You know Larlo, I would spend my entire day walking up and down the beach. There's a little place under the pier where my friends and your Uncle Joey would go to find shade. That would be our secret hideout. It was so much fun" - but it's a memory, your memory at that.

[Anonymous]

Id tell your child- "Larlo, I know Grandma/Grandpa said they are taking you to the beach, but really you go on vacations with Mommy and Daddy and we'll go there together sometime. Maybe Grandma/Grandpa can take you to (local amusement park/whatever)."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So they know this is a place you visited often as a child?

Yes. They know I went most summers, and that I’m waiting for the day to take him.

Who took you? Your grandparents?