My in-laws cause my family so much depression
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Anonymous
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The backstory is that my DH is one of two kids, and he was always the non-favorite. He was hit by his mother and stepdad, verbally abused (told "we wish you were never born," "you're a terrible person"), etc. all throughout childhood. In adulthood, now that they are not able to physically hurt DH, they either ignore him for months/years on end or else berate him in person. Things changed when we had our two kids a few years ago (they are preschoolers). Suddenly the inlaws wanted to be involved and come visit. My DH thought it might be a fresh start -- so he was OK with his parents visiting.
But whenever they visit it is chaos. They are very nice to our kids, but they make it obvious that they hate both DH and me. The visit before last, my DH made an offhand comment about how his sedan was low to the ground and how his mom had a hard time getting out of the car. That set off a night of his mother crying (literally) and his father yelling at the top of his voice "You are a bad son." They apologized once they sobered up the next morning. Then this visit, over Christmas, they came to visit. They extended their ticket to 10 days (without asking us first) and then when we said that it was a very long visit, they said it was too inconvenient to change their tickets. On Christmas Eve, MIL proceeded to get wasted and ended up weeping about how her job had been so hard and how DH didn't appreciate her (this was prompted by DH saying that his parents were so fortunate to have jobs that gave a pension -- they were professors). Then MIL and DIL started screaming at my husband that they did so much for him and that they had added up how much it had cost them to raise him and DH would never be able to pay them back. ??? The next morning when they sobered up they apologized. Everything seemed to be going fine, and we made it through to New Years Day. We thought it might be fun to go to a museum, so we asked them to come along for a family outing. They said no thanks, we want to relax and get packed for our flight (the next day). I just assumed they wanted a break from the kids, so we went to the museum for a couple of hours. When we returned home, the in-laws were gone. We were greeted with a note saying "thanks for the lunches and dinners. We thought it best to stay in a hotel tonight." They didn't say goodbye to us or their grandkids. We tried calling and texting them -- they wouldn't return calls. My kids keep asking "where did grandma and grandpa go"? My DH and I are normal people -- I don't know how to deal with his parents. My parents have always been kind and loving. But it seems like DH's parents just...aren't. I don't know what to do anymore -- I didn't want to deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents, but my husband is practically catatonic with depression. Last night he said that he "hates himself" and that there must be something wrong with him that his own parents don't love him. He said it made him depressed because seeing them (and then having them leave without a goodbye) stirred up all the memories of his youth that he usually keeps put away. What do I do? Just not engage with the in-laws anymore? Insist they stay in a hotel whenever they come to town? 
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Anonymous
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What I would do is end all contact. Why would you want to have a relationship with these terrible people?
There are terrible people in the world. If you have the bad luck to be born into a family where they exist, that's sad. But once you reach adult hood you are free to choose. I'd get DH into therapy to resolve his lingering issues with being rejected but, I would not see them anymore. |
Anonymous
| Wtf? Why do you want a relationship with these people? They sound like monsters. I would cut off all ties without a backward glance. |
Anonymous
| This is so f'd up. You do not have to associate with these people. You need to cut them off for your own sanity. |
Anonymous
| They sound like alcoholics. Not sure why you keep allowing them to be around your children when they drink to the point of having these emotional outbursts. |
Anonymous
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Agree with all of the above. OP, please, please, for your husband's and family's sake, make this the last straw. Make 2018 the year that you are going to officially kick them out of your lives and move on.
Please help your husband find a good therapist. He needs to resolve this once and for all and then pretend that they are dead. They should never be allowed back into your lives, or your kids' lives, to cause this much pain and destruction. It's not worth it to anyone. Fortunately, your kids are young and they have your parents. Bring them into this conversation. They can help your kids and your DH move on, by providing the generational continuity he is seeking. Take the lead here, OP. You are the only one able to see this clearly for what it is. |
Anonymous
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OP here... I guess my DH thought that his parents would realize the importance of family once they met their grandkids. It just hit us yesterday that that is not happening. I think part of him was hoping there would be a change in his relationship with them, too. And the last part of the equation is that his parents are very wealthy and they have said they would like to provide for our kids college education (we are not wealthy). I think in the end his parents will give my DH and my kids nothing anyway, and this is all just some sick power struggle. I just don't understand how people can be this way... I could never treat my kids like that.
I asked my DH why he's afraid to cut his parents off and he said that in the past when he hasn't spoken to them they have relentlessly bad mouthed him to his relatives age that his relatives believed his parents. I guess that's just the price we'll have to pay. |
Anonymous
Agree completely. OP, I understand not wanting to cut off your children's relationships with their grandparents willy nilly but think about how the terrible impact they have on your DH hurts his ability to be a good parent to your children. Also, as someone who had several relatives that were awful to my parent, seeing my mother finally stand up to her family and demand she be treated with at least a minimum amount of decency was really powerful. My mother had been underestimating the impact of their awful behavior towards her on us kids AND been overestimating the positive impact of their presence in our (the kids) lives. It was much better for us to see that it's ok to refuse to be treated like garbage by people that are supposed to love you. |
Anonymous
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I’d cut them off, personally. Fresh start or no, they sound like they’re continuing their own cycle of drama and abuse, and that simply doesn’t fly in my home.
Please get your husband into counselling, and work on getting these people out of your life. It will be better for all involved. |
Anonymous
It's not worth it. You can't rely on them, and should not let your family be abused by these weirdos for any price. If his relatives want to choose sides, they are obviously part of the problem. Good riddance. |
Anonymous
OP, this. Your DH is truly the one who needs to come to terms with this, more than you do. When your kids are not around and when neither you nor DH needs to be somewhere else, you and he need a long, quiet, sit-down, no distractions talk about his parents and how he feels and most of all, what ACTIONS he is willing to take and stick with. Doing nothing is an action here. Doing nothing, as in, you and he both stop responding to any calls, emails or texts, block them on your phones and computers. He may still be reeling from the awful holiday visit so I'd wait until this weekend but you need to talk sooner rather than later, so that his fantasy - and it's a fantasy, or rather, an unrealistic hope -- of his parents finally "coming around" will end. Don't appear to be bashing them when you talk to him, OP. Clearly he has long nourished a desire to have a more normal relationship with them and to please them. Even adults often still want to please mom and dad, even if mom and dad were awful, especially if mom and dad seem to want to do better with the grandkids than they did with their now adult kids. It will be hard on your DH to give up a long-held wish for a fresh start with them, so be kind with him if he's upset or resistant. I'd talk with him along lines of, "After this visit, I can't see how we can have them here again, especially as they walked out on us and the children like that. How do you feel about that? And what do you want to do -- or NOT do-- going forward, as regards your parents?" Wait to see what he says. Let him talk it out even if he vacillates about what to do. I think you need to cut them off -- something I have never before advocated on DCUM -- but HE needs to get there. And you need to help steer him there, for the kids' sake as well as his own: "I know you worry that they will badmouth you to relatives, but they confused and hurt our children. You can contact relatives directly and tell them that your parents walked out on us, but we can't really tell small children that it was fine that their grandparents did this." "Is your concern that your relatives will no longer want to be in touch with you?" "Why do you feel your relatives believe your parents over believing you?" "We only see Relative once a year at this point anyway, so do you feel it's worth keeping on Relative's good side by keeping in touch with your parents after this?" OP, how much does DH really see or contact these relatives in his generation anyway? Are these siblings? The favored other sibling? If siblings, they should know already that the parents are toxic, and DH can get in touch directly to say, "Mom and Dad got drunk, berated us, left and upset the kids, so we're going no-contact, but they will come to you to blame us. I want you to know FROM ME why we are blocking mom and dad. I truly hope you will understand and will take anything they say about us with due skepticism. I value my relationship with you and will stay in touch, but also am concerned that they will come to you with stories that are not accurate." If the relatives are cousins -- well, cousins are great, but he may have to endure their no longer contacting him if he's going to protect himself and his kids. If he says, "I want to keep some level of contact," be ready with suggestions so he doesn't flounder about what that level is. Set up a new gmail account solely for their emails. Or set up your existing e-mails so all theirs get dumped into a folder that you, OP, look at monthly but DH does not see. If there is an emergency you can tell him, but otherwise, no replies. I have seen posts on DCUM where people have done this -- set up specific folders or new e-mail addresses for relatives who create drama and have all contact dumped there, with one spouse checking it periodically but the other spouse (the adult child) not looking. I'd be sure,though, to block phone calls. DH needs to let them know all this. "After your unexpected departure over the holidays, the children were confused and upset to come home and find you were gone. They had expected to say goodbye to you and did not understand where you went. .If you felt you needed to leave, it's regrettable that you felt you couldn't speak to me and tell me in advance, but it's over now. If you want to get in touch, please use this new e-mail address: xxxxx@yyz rather than texting or calling. Thanks." Then block calls, texts and e-mails. But only do all that if DH wants to have some form of limited contact. He might not. He might need to see a counselor to talk about his upbringing and get some third-party clarity on why he wants to keep any relationship with these people. I'm sorry, OP. Come back and update us. And give DH plenty of support and distraction -- he must feel awful. And this is vital -- Do not, not, not depend on them for one single penny of your kids' college funds. Act as if the grandparents do not exist in terms of finances. If you think your DH secretly has an idea that by the time the kids are 18, his parents will have come around, or even an idea that they might leave him something in their wills--you MUST nip that and plan finances accordingly. |
Anonymous
| Thanks, pp, that is very helpful advice. |
Anonymous
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OMG. OP, your DH is a victim of severe mental abuse. You need to cut off all contact with them. If they bad mouth him, so be it. I would seriously get him into therapy so he can begin to process all of this.
It's clear that they have severe mental issues not to mention alcoholism. Do NOT have further contact with them. SERIOUSLY. |
Anonymous
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This is 11:28, OP.
Adding to above -- OP, if they are the types to go ahead and book flights to come see you without confirming, DH needs to be sure they know visits are not happening. Did they and he discuss some future visit at any point during the holiday stay? Even tangentially? Do they expect to come, for instance, in the spring or summer this year, maybe if they've done so in previous years? I would want to be sure they understood not to book anything or turn up. "....It's regrettable that you felt you couldn't speak to me or tell me in advance. Please use this e-mail....Also, we discussed your coming to visit again in the summer this year, but we feel another visit is not good for either you or us, so please don't make travel plans...." OP, I hope you can help DH handle this in a way that ensures he has the power and takes the initiative. He needs to feel that you're supporting him but not that you are somehow forcing him to cut them off. I hope he sees for himself how toxic they were over this visit and that he can let go of contact. THat's why a professional like a counselor or therapist could help him make the break and stop caring what they think, feel or do. |
Anonymous
I definitely would not depend on them paying for your kids college. |