My in-laws cause my family so much depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut off contact and get your DH into therapy. And don't get fooled by any promises of cash. These are the type of people who will enjoy stringing you along and then leave all their money to their cats.

+1

[Anonymous]

Cut them off. They decide when they're willing to contact your DH? Time for you to decide not to respond and they are not welcome to visit.

[Anonymous]

Visit them with the kids for a few hours in a day, meeting at a neutral site like a museum or pool for the kids. Stay in a hotel.
Go home. Done.
If they are still abusive stop the visits.
How is your family??

[Anonymous]

OP here. I showed DH this thread and we talked about it, he said he wanted me to post that he really appreciates all the feedback and 100% has assimilated it. We've discussed it and we are just not going to engage with them and do the slow fade. The update is that they still have not attempted to contact us and are obviously waiting for us to come crawling.

[Anonymous]

Wth kind of eackjobs are these? They need to be terminated by relationship. Your husband needs therapy now. I work with a guy who is like that and had wackjob parents. Some people are born with no screws. That is not your parents but that is your husband and kids. Take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I showed DH this thread and we talked about it, he said he wanted me to post that he really appreciates all the feedback and 100% has assimilated it. We've discussed it and we are just not going to engage with them and do the slow fade. The update is that they still have not attempted to contact us and are obviously waiting for us to come crawling.

That's a great outcome but IME you have to be vigilant. If they are like the family members I have experience with, they are master manipulators and will actually *appear* to have changed, acting totally sane for while, and then slowly turn back to their old behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]Visit them with the kids for a few hours in a day, meeting at a neutral site like a museum or pool for the kids. Stay in a hotel.
Go home. Done. [/b]
If they are still abusive stop the visits.
How is your family??

I disagree. It sounds easy but it may not be so. Cut. Off. Contact. DONE. is my advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s time for you to be the mama bear and protect your children from these people.

You say you don’t want to deny your children a relationship with their grandparents.

Listen to me-I’m telling you that you are OBLIGATED to do this as their mother.

I also think one or both of the parents have narcissistic personality disorder. Your son is the scape goat. Check out the reddit forum “raised by narcissists”.

If he wants to carry on some kind of relationship with his parents, I don’t know that you can stop your DH, but he does it on his own, with no involvement of you or your children.

Please also be the mama bear for your husband, who doesn't have one. Reach out to your own parents and let them know what it going on. Make happy memories with your side of the family and your nuclear family. DH will need your support as he starts to disengage from his parents. Family is more than just your parents - it's your kids and your spouse and your in laws too. He HAS a family that loves and supports him and thinks he is worthy and valuable, even if this one branch is toxic. Tell - and show - him this over and over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anybody who has a history of treating you and DH horrible does not get access to your children. No matter who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut off contact and get your DH into therapy. And don't get fooled by any promises of cash. These are the type of people who will enjoy stringing you along and then leave all their money to their cats.

+1

+2

A-holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I showed DH this thread and we talked about it, he said he wanted me to post that he really appreciates all the feedback and 100% has assimilated it. We've discussed it and we are just not going to engage with them and do the slow fade. The update is that they still have not attempted to contact us and are obviously waiting for us to come crawling.

My husband cut his parents out of his life about a year ago due to them fostering a very unhealthy relationship. While it was hard for him at the time, he has been much happier since completely cutting them out and no longer dealing with the drama. I had concerns about the kids relationship with their grandparents at the time, but in the end, grandparents don't have an inherent right to their grandkids. Their first responsibility is to love and have a good relationship with their kids. If they fail at this, they should not expect to be involved with their grandchildren.

I'm so sorry your family has gone through this. I know it's hard to end a relationship with parents (even a horribly unhealthy one), but I hope your husband is happier after cutting off the relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. The inlaws finally made contact... With an email saying that they recently inherited some money from my DH's grandpa and want to give it to DH. They asked for bank routing info. No I'm sorry, no other info or words. My DH says we should take the money and run, I'm thinking we should ignore altogether. What say you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. The inlaws finally made contact... With an email saying that they recently inherited some money from my DH's grandpa and want to give it to DH. They asked for bank routing info. No I'm sorry, no other info or words. My DH says we should take the money and run, I'm thinking we should ignore altogether. What say you?

I'm leaning towards ignore. If you take he money and run it'll be one more thing for them to badmouth your DH about to the rest of the family. Plus, their hold over him seems to be money, or at least the promise of it. Ignoring this will show them that their trump card no longer works.

[Anonymous]

Maybe set up a 529 for the kid(s) and have them deposit directly into it. Don't touch it for years.

That way, you can take the money and run, but it's for the kids, and it's not spent.

The inlaws will probably still bad mouth you. But now you've got the money. And if they try to hold the money over your DH, he can say, you can take it back, it's all still sitting there in the kids accounts. If you want to take the kids college funds away, you can do so. I'm sure people will understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe set up a 529 for the kid(s) and have them deposit directly into it. Don't touch it for years.

That way, you can take the money and run, but it's for the kids, and it's not spent.

The inlaws will probably still bad mouth you. But now you've got the money. And if they try to hold the money over your DH, he can say, you can take it back, it's all still sitting there in the kids accounts. If you want to take the kids college funds away, you can do so. I'm sure people will understand that.

That's what my DH suggested... Just sending the links to the 529s. Still feels like they'd be able to complain about not seeing their grandkids after giving them money, though.