My in-laws cause my family so much depression

[Anonymous]

Let 'em complain.

[Anonymous]

If money equals access i would IGNORE. What if they are using this alleged "inheritance" as bait? You are giving them fodder for more abuse if you reply. Just let this go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe set up a 529 for the kid(s) and have them deposit directly into it. Don't touch it for years.

That way, you can take the money and run, but it's for the kids, and it's not spent.

The inlaws will probably still bad mouth you. But now you've got the money. And if they try to hold the money over your DH, he can say, you can take it back, it's all still sitting there in the kids accounts. If you want to take the kids college funds away, you can do so. I'm sure people will understand that.

That's what my DH suggested... Just sending the links to the 529s. Still feels like they'd be able to complain about not seeing their grandkids after giving them money, though.

They will. This is how they plan on abusing your DH. You should still take the money and put it in a 529. Then return to no contact. You MUST place protecting your DH and kids above all else.

And please get your DH into therapy. He's going to need a lot of support to get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If money equals access i would IGNORE. What if they are using this alleged "inheritance" as bait? You are giving them fodder for more abuse if you reply. Just let this go!

They probably are using it as bait. That's why it seems like a trap. Of course it would be great if we could dump a few thousand into the 529s,but not sure it is worth the aggravation. My DH is thinking about what to do... Mostly I'm mad that we had just put them out of our minds and then they go and do this. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Narcissists alcoholics, and abusers. They left as to show you that you abandoned them by going to the museum and not staying home with them. Typical behavior of emotional blackmail. Your DH needs to realize he is adult now, and stop asking for something he will never get, respect and decent treatment by his mom and step dad. Your DH needs to learn to respect himself and who cares if these foul people bad mouth him to relatives? Relatives are not blind they know these people are nuts.

[Anonymous]

Why can't they just send a check? Do NOT give out your bank info. Ignore, and let them stew. If they want to write and mail you a check, let them. Cash it or not, it's up to you, but agree that it'll be something they'll be throwing you under the bus to the relatives over.

My parents are dysfunctional too, though not in the same way. My mom tries to pull this crap with money too. It's taken me a decade of no contact but I'm finally mostly over her antics, though it still makes me mad when she tries it.

[Anonymous]

OP, we get it - it is about the money, money, money.

Is it worth it? Really? If you take any money from them, you have NO right to complain. Period.

Is this what your children should be seeing?

For God's sake, if nothing else, get your DH into therapy. Stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The backstory is that my DH is one of two kids, and he was always the non-favorite. He was hit by his mother and stepdad, verbally abused (told "we wish you were never born," "you're a terrible person"), etc. all throughout childhood. In adulthood, now that they are not able to physically hurt DH, they either ignore him for months/years on end or else berate him in person. Things changed when we had our two kids a few years ago (they are preschoolers). Suddenly the inlaws wanted to be involved and come visit. My DH thought it might be a fresh start -- so he was OK with his parents visiting.

But whenever they visit it is chaos. They are very nice to our kids, but they make it obvious that they hate both DH and me. The visit before last, my DH made an offhand comment about how his sedan was low to the ground and how his mom had a hard time getting out of the car. That set off a night of his mother crying (literally) and his father yelling at the top of his voice "You are a bad son." They apologized once they sobered up the next morning.

Then this visit, over Christmas, they came to visit. They extended their ticket to 10 days (without asking us first) and then when we said that it was a very long visit, they said it was too inconvenient to change their tickets. On Christmas Eve, MIL proceeded to get wasted and ended up weeping about how her job had been so hard and how DH didn't appreciate her (this was prompted by DH saying that his parents were so fortunate to have jobs that gave a pension -- they were professors). Then MIL and DIL started screaming at my husband that they did so much for him and that they had added up how much it had cost them to raise him and DH would never be able to pay them back. ??? The next morning when they sobered up they apologized. Everything seemed to be going fine, and we made it through to New Years Day. We thought it might be fun to go to a museum, so we asked them to come along for a family outing. They said no thanks, we want to relax and get packed for our flight (the next day). I just assumed they wanted a break from the kids, so we went to the museum for a couple of hours. When we returned home, the in-laws were gone. We were greeted with a note saying "thanks for the lunches and dinners. We thought it best to stay in a hotel tonight." They didn't say goodbye to us or their grandkids. We tried calling and texting them -- they wouldn't return calls. My kids keep asking "where did grandma and grandpa go"?

My DH and I are normal people -- I don't know how to deal with his parents. My parents have always been kind and loving. But it seems like DH's parents just...aren't. I don't know what to do anymore -- I didn't want to deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents, but my husband is practically catatonic with depression. Last night he said that he "hates himself" and that there must be something wrong with him that his own parents don't love him. He said it made him depressed because seeing them (and then having them leave without a goodbye) stirred up all the memories of his youth that he usually keeps put away.

What do I do? Just not engage with the in-laws anymore? Insist they stay in a hotel whenever they come to town?

I experienced a youth much like your DH. It was decades before I recovered.
I have spoken to my mother once since 2000. I have 9 siblings- never talk to them. Last family gathering I attended was n 1992.

[Anonymous]

Take the money and run.