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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here... I guess my DH thought that his parents would realize the importance of family once they met their grandkids. It just hit us yesterday that that is not happening. I think part of him was hoping there would be a change in his relationship with them, too. And the last part of the equation is that his parents are very wealthy and they have said they would like to provide for our kids college education (we are not wealthy). I think in the end his parents will give my DH and my kids nothing anyway, and this is all just some sick power struggle.  I just don't understand how people can be this way... I could never treat my kids like that.

I asked my DH why he's afraid to cut his parents off and he said that in the past when he hasn't spoken to them they have relentlessly bad mouthed him to his relatives age that his relatives believed his parents.  I guess that's just the price we'll have to pay. [/quote]

It's not worth it. You can't rely on them, and should not let your family be abused by these weirdos for any price. If his relatives want to choose sides, they are obviously part of the problem. Good riddance. [/quote]

OP, this.

Your DH is truly the one who needs to come to terms with this, more than you do. When your kids are not around and when neither you nor DH needs to be somewhere else, you and he need a long, quiet, sit-down, no distractions talk about his parents and how he feels and most of all, what ACTIONS he is willing to take and stick with. Doing nothing is an action here. Doing nothing, as in, you and he both stop responding to any calls, emails or texts, block them on your phones and computers.

He may still be reeling from the awful holiday visit so I'd wait until this weekend but you need to talk sooner rather than later, so that his fantasy - and it's a fantasy, or rather, an unrealistic hope -- of his parents finally "coming around"  will end.

Don't appear to be bashing them when you talk to him, OP. Clearly he has long nourished a desire to have a more normal relationship with them and to please them. Even adults often still want to please mom and dad, even if mom and dad were awful, especially if mom and dad seem to want to do better with the grandkids than they did with their now adult kids. It will be hard on your DH to give up a long-held wish for a fresh start with them, so be kind with him if he's upset or resistant. I'd talk with him along lines of, "After this visit, I can't see how we can have them here again, especially as they walked out on us and the children like that. How do you feel about that?  And what do you want to do -- or NOT do-- going forward, as regards your parents?" Wait to see what he says. Let him talk it out even if he vacillates about what to do. I think you need to cut them off -- something I have never before advocated on DCUM -- but HE needs to get there. And you need to help steer him there, for the kids' sake as well as his own:

"I know you worry that they will badmouth you to relatives, but they confused and hurt our children. You can contact relatives directly and tell them that your parents walked out on us, but we can't really tell small children that it was fine that their grandparents did this."

"Is your concern that your relatives will no longer want to be in touch with you?"
"Why do you feel your relatives believe your parents over believing you?"
"We only see Relative once a year at this point anyway, so do you feel it's worth keeping on Relative's good side by keeping in touch with your parents after this?"

OP, how much does DH really see or contact  these relatives in his generation anyway? Are these siblings? The favored other sibling? If siblings, they should know already that the parents are toxic, and DH can get in touch directly to say, "Mom and Dad got drunk, berated us, left and upset the kids, so we're going no-contact, but they will come to you to blame us. I want you to know FROM ME why we are blocking mom and dad. I truly hope you will understand and will take anything they say about us with due skepticism. I value my relationship with you and will stay in touch, but also am concerned that they will come to you with stories that are not accurate." If the relatives are cousins -- well, cousins are great, but he may have to endure their no longer contacting him if he's going to protect himself and his kids.

If he says, "I want to keep some level of contact," be ready with suggestions so he doesn't flounder about what that level is.

Set up a new gmail account solely for their emails. Or set up your existing e-mails so all theirs get dumped into a folder that you, OP, look at monthly but DH does not see. If there is an emergency you can tell him, but otherwise, no replies. I have seen posts on DCUM where people have done this -- set up specific folders or new e-mail addresses for relatives who create drama and have all contact dumped there, with one spouse checking it periodically but the other spouse (the adult child) not looking. I'd be sure,though, to block phone calls.

DH needs to let them know all this. "After your unexpected departure over the holidays, the children were confused and upset to come home and find you were gone. They had expected to say goodbye to you and did not understand where you went. .If you felt you needed to leave, it's regrettable that you felt you couldn't speak to me and tell me in advance, but it's over now. If you want to get in touch, please use this new e-mail address: xxxxx@yyz rather than texting or calling. Thanks." Then block calls, texts and e-mails.
But only do all that if DH wants to have some form of limited contact. He might not.

He might need to see a counselor to talk about his upbringing and get some third-party clarity on why he wants to keep any relationship with these people. I'm sorry, OP. Come back and update us. And give DH plenty of support and distraction -- he must feel awful.

And this is vital -- Do not, not, not depend on them for one single penny of your kids' college funds. Act as if the grandparents do not exist in terms of finances. If you think your DH secretly has an idea that by the time the kids are 18, his parents will have come around, or even an idea that they might leave him something in their wills--you MUST nip that and plan finances accordingly. 
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