How much secrets/lying is tolerable in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I think DH went to a strip club with his friends last week, but I know if I ask, he'll deny it. It's not the strip club that bothers me so much as the fact that he feels the need to hide it from me, then lie about it if confronted. I'm pretty sure part of it is that he's embarrassed to say he went to a strip club. Also, this group of friends all lie to their wives (whom I know) about the strip club among other things (5 figure gambling losses, new cocaine habit). Likewise, hiding/lying is the 'norm' to him and he also feels that his level is 'not as bad' because he's not covering up all these other things. This has been an ongoing issue in our six year marriage and I'm wondering if I should just let it go given it's all pretty innocuous. I don't think he's having or had an affair or had one night stands with the strippers. My guess is that these secret excursions happen infrequently, like once every month or two. And before anyone suggests he needs new friends, it's not happening. He doesn't make friends easily (socially awkward) and he's been tight with these guys for over 10 years. The other wives are none the wiser and happier for it. Should I just turn a blind eye as well?

[Anonymous]

Going to a strip club every month and lying about it is neither innocuous or infrequent.

The bigger question is why do you think it’s okay for your husband to hang out with folks who use cocaine and rack up gambling debts? Those would be deal breakers, along with the repeated lying.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'd be very worried if his tight-knit group of friends included gambling addicts and cocaine addicts. Those kinds of people obviously encourage one another to lie to their spouses.

Obviously you need to try to open up communication -- maybe not giving him room to deny the strip club but instead telling him sincerely that you don't care if he goes IF he tells you.

Good luck. This is tricky.

[Anonymous]

A strip club once a month is not infrequent it innocuous. Once a year for a bachelor party? Yes. Once a month? Hell no.

If you tolerate that, it makes me sort of wonder if you are the type to get emotional and upset and tolerate stupid behavior just to keep a man. So then DH feels like he should lie because you get upset and cry over a lot of things (yet won’t leave). I could be way off base but that’s just what I imagine.

Personally my DH knows my feelings on things like strip clubs and he respects that I wouldn’t want him there. His friends don’t go to those places anyway, which helps, and I never give him grief for a night out on the weekends with his buddies at a regular bar, restaurant, or at someone’s house. I feel like the fact that I don’t nag him and I don’t get upset over barely anything has made him comfortable with keeping an open line of communication.

[Anonymous]

Nope. That level of lying is unacceptable.
You need to tell him that you aren't going to get mad at him going to a strip club, but that you are very upset about him lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DH went to a strip club with his friends last week, but I know if I ask, he'll deny it. It's not the strip club that bothers me so much as the fact that he feels the need to hide it from me, then lie about it if confronted. I'm pretty sure part of it is that he's embarrassed to say he went to a strip club. Also, this group of friends all lie to their wives (whom I know) about the strip club among other things (5 figure gambling losses, new cocaine habit). Likewise, hiding/lying is the 'norm' to him and he also feels that his level is 'not as bad' because he's not covering up all these other things. This has been an ongoing issue in our six year marriage and I'm wondering if I should just let it go given it's all pretty innocuous. I don't think he's having or had an affair or had one night stands with the strippers. My guess is that these secret excursions happen infrequently, like once every month or two. And before anyone suggests he needs new friends, it's not happening. He doesn't make friends easily (socially awkward) and he's been tight with these guys for over 10 years. The other wives are none the wiser and happier for it. Should I just turn a blind eye as well?

Did he go to a strip club or not? My wife accused me once, incorrectly, of hitting strip clubs. Why, I never found out. (It sound more expensive than the internet.)

[Anonymous]

Bunch of uptight harpies here. So typical. This is so not a big deal. He lies about it because of all the judgment in regards to strip clubs. Isn't this thread evidence enough of that? Is this really a hill you want to die on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bunch of uptight harpies here. So typical. This is so not a big deal. He lies about it because of all the judgment in regards to strip clubs. Isn't this thread evidence enough of that? Is this really a hill you want to die on?

Thanks MRA troll!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bunch of uptight harpies here. So typical. This is so not a big deal. He lies about it because of all the judgment in regards to strip clubs. Isn't this thread evidence enough of that? Is this really a hill you want to die on?

Thanks MRA troll!

Ha-ha, while I don't think strip clubbing will end well for OP, I kinda agree with PP. Y'all just a bunch of nut jobs.

[Anonymous]

OP here. As to frequency, I can only guess because as I said, he isn't open about it. I threw out monthly as a high guess, but my more realistic guess is a handful of times a year so more like once every three months? I agree that lying about it or anything else is not innocuous, but I don't think strip clubs themselves are a big deal. In our field and our culture (we're both American, but identify to some degree with our parents' culture), people go to strip clubs with clients and coworkers on a regular (like weekly) basis. These are personal not work visits, though.

[Anonymous]

As to his friends, I DON'T think it's okay for his friends to be gambling and using drugs and I agree that they tacitly encourage each other to lie, but I can't keep him from them, it's a losing battle.

As to whether he went to a SC last week, I haven't asked him about it yet. The circumstantial evidence is there, though; he paid for dinner with a credit card, then withdrew a large sum of $$ down the street from their "regular" strip club. If they had just gone to a bar or club, he would've used his card as a couple of the friends he was with are potential clients and the expense would be tax deductible. Whether it was technically a SC or something else doesn't even really matter, the huge cash withdrawal is damning.

[Anonymous]

It’s not the strip club that’s the problem. It’s that he feels the need to lie to you. It puts you in a Mother-teenage son dynamic. He has a dirty little secret and he doesn’t want to get in trouble with Mommy.

My friend had a DH who would lie about stupid stuff. (did you take out the trash, as they are going to bed, he says YES, only to discover that they missed trash Day because he didn’t take out the trash. Stupid because she’d soon discover he hadn’t done it. This is just one example of the many many little lies he’d tell) And because they were stupid, she let them go.

Turns out it was a sign about the dynamic they had, that she didn’t even realize. She thought they were partnter/teammates. He saw her as a parental figure that was always trying to punish him (she wasn’t). So the little lies turned into big lies. Which turned into cheating and leaving her and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not the strip club that’s the problem. It’s that he feels the need to lie to you. It puts you in a Mother-teenage son dynamic. He has a dirty little secret and he doesn’t want to get in trouble with Mommy.

My friend had a DH who would lie about stupid stuff. (did you take out the trash, as they are going to bed, he says YES, only to discover that they missed trash Day because he didn’t take out the trash. Stupid because she’d soon discover he hadn’t done it. This is just one example of the many many little lies he’d tell) And because they were stupid, she let them go.

Turns out it was a sign about the dynamic they had, that she didn’t even realize. She thought they were partnter/teammates. He saw her as a parental figure that was always trying to punish him (she wasn’t). So the little lies turned into big lies. Which turned into cheating and leaving her and the kids.

OP here. This is very on point; our former therapist talked about this dynamic. Any idea how to break out of this when DH is so resistant to telling the truth? I have encouraged him again and again to tell me the truth and that I won't get angry whatever it is, even suggesting he go to a strip club next time they go out to prove my point that the lie is worse than the action. It hasn't helped. I definitely feel like I've been labeled as the parent even though I don't want to be one.

[Anonymous]

He sounds incredibly immature. Did you marry young? Like, teens/early twenties?

[Anonymous]

VERY little lying or secrets are tolerable.

He might not tell me he crop-dusted the packed elevator we're in. And he won't tell me what gifts he's giving me for my birthday. But that's about the extent of his secrecy.