How much secrets/lying is tolerable in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1) how did he react when the therapist mentioned this? It backfired. He automatically blamed me for the Mother-Child dynamic although it's shared responsibility.

2) how did the therapist tell you to deal with it? Aside from giving us tools to communicate better, she told me in an individual session that DH is immature and it's up to me to decide whether to live with it or not.

My gut says that there’s nothing you can do unless he understands that this dynamic is going on and wants to change it. There is something he is getting (or trying to heal) from putting you in the MOMMY role. You can’t change that until he decides he wants a partner not a parent.

OP, marriage is work. But this is way beyond the call of duty. You don’t have children, correct? Move on. This is not worth it. Who wants to be married to a man-child?

We have one toddler. When I dated him, what I really liked about him was how mature and responsible he seemed. He sure fooled me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going to a strip club every month and lying about it is neither innocuous or infrequent.

The bigger question is why do you think it’s okay for your husband to hang out with folks who use cocaine and rack up gambling debts? Those would be deal breakers, along with the repeated lying.

+1

Nothing normal about this.

[Anonymous]

Have you heard the expression, don’t interrupt your enemy when they’re making a mistake? It applies here. Document everything!

[Anonymous]

Spending time with various types of degenerates doesn't make someone a degenerate, but it certainly moves and blurs moral boundaries. I don't know anyone that does cocaine, that may be that they don't do it in front of me, but I don't think it's that unusual. Gamblers, strip club regulars and drug users aren't a typical mixed bag of buddies.

[Anonymous]

I suspect he has some sort of personality disorder- histrionic or narcissistic. The fact that he has to put on a mask for everyone around him is very telling. You think you are getting the real him, but probably not. He himself probably doesn’t even know who the real him is.

And you have to come to terms with the fact that you are married to a liar. Doesn’t matter the size or reason, he is a liar. You can’t change that about him. You can’t love him enough to make him want to tell the truth.

The only thing you can do is decide to stay with a liar or leave him.

[Anonymous]

OP, Any amount of lying is just wrong in my book!

Big lies, small lies...Whatever the context.
Because anyone who lies to you obviously does not think you as a person are worthy of the truth.

And what does that say about your marriage & his love for you??

No, do not turn a blind eye.
Confront him stat and demand nothing but the truth.

A woman’s intuition is rarely, if ever wrong so do not back down on this.

If he continues his lying way(s), then you must decide once + for all if you truly want to share a roof for the rest of your life w/a man who has zero integrity.

I wouldn’t.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what culture regularly entertains clients at strip clubs. Yuck.

East Asian cultures. And they're not exactly strip clubs, but that's the closest American equivalent.

I get to sit in on lots of East Asian guy talk, and the guys who take part in this "strip club" stuff are also paying for sex. They're not going to tell you this happens, of course. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Give him a good reason to stay home - bada bing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what culture regularly entertains clients at strip clubs. Yuck.

East Asian cultures. And they're not exactly strip clubs, but that's the closest American equivalent.

I get to sit in on lots of East Asian guy talk, and the guys who take part in this "strip club" stuff are also paying for sex. They're not going to tell you this happens, of course. Sorry.

+1. I'm a lawyer with a lot of East Asian clients. Frequenting strip clubs and prostitutes is a common business practice. OP, part of why he has so easily cast you in the role of mommy is because you, yourself, have the personality of a typical mommy in denial: "My baby would never do that!" Meanwhile, he's doing exactly what you are too cowardly to acknowledge. You both have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what culture regularly entertains clients at strip clubs. Yuck.

East Asian cultures. And they're not exactly strip clubs, but that's the closest American equivalent.

I get to sit in on lots of East Asian guy talk, and the guys who take part in this "strip club" stuff are also paying for sex. They're not going to tell you this happens, of course. Sorry.

+1. I'm a lawyer with a lot of East Asian clients. Frequenting strip clubs and prostitutes is a common business practice. OP, part of why he has so easily cast you in the role of mommy is because you, yourself, have the personality of a typical mommy in denial: "My baby would never do that!" Meanwhile, he's doing exactly what you are too cowardly to acknowledge. You both have issues.

This is OP. As you guys said, it's a common business practice. So 100% of East Asian white collar male workers are having sex with prostitutes? Because in our home country, it is literally 100 (or maybe 90%) of white collar males who go to these bars because they are forced to go with their coworkers.

As to DH, it's not that I think he is incapable of cheating, but it doesn't fit with his psychology. He goes out with his friends and parties because it makes him feel like a big guy. He has medication-induced ED and an affair or one night stand would expose him to humiliation if he couldn't get it up, which would make him feel the opposite of a big guy. I don't deny there might be some physical contact. I am open to the possibility that he is having sex because I have to be prepared for the worse, but think it is not likely.

[Anonymous]

Geez. After the recent #metoo months have businesses still mot yet learned that integrating strip club socializing as any part of bisiness practices is just a huge lawsuit waiting to happen? Iwouldnmt want to have yo exain a multilillion dollar harassement settlement (which could be made to a man or woman) as part of my unit's bottom line.

What are you people, stupid?