Did your parents push you on grades? Performance?
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Anonymous
| I’m just not the type to do this and I realize it comes from my parents they didn’t do it at all. I did well in school and in life. My kids struggle but I just can’t get myself to be the super type A parent. My husband thinks I should be tougher on grades and homework. He’s very type A but never here. I do notice that my very successful ivy educated friends all say they were pushed a lot by their parents. For those that were, how is your relationship with them? And do you do the same with your kids? This area is tough for my more laid back style! |
Anonymous
| No, my parents did not push grades. Paid employment, they were pretty pushy about though. |
Anonymous
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Mine did, and I have known since I was 12 that I would make sure I was more like you when I was a parent. If that tells you anything. In reality, I think the best answer is that you need to know your kids and their personalities. I was already an intense kid, constantly in intense environments (I grew up in this area), and all that pressure was seriously NOT good for me. I was constantly terrified to mess up, never learned that it was okay to fail, seriously believed that my parents' love was somewhat dependent on my performance (they would be horrified to hear that. They were no different than all the other intense parents in this area...that's just how I felt because, as stated, I was already an intense, serious, sensitive kid). I was wayyyy too stressed at way too young of an age, and it was not healthy. I also was totally burned out by the time I hit 25 (newly graduated from Harvard law). It hampered me more than anything.
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Anonymous
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I'm just not sure that pushing helps.
I got great grades but not because I was pushed into it. I saw my value in my grades (leads to other problems). My little brother did not do well. He would refuse to do his homework and my mother, who was at work, would make me sit at the table with him with nothing to do for the entire afternoon and he would STILL not do it. Smart kid, but just pushed back so hard. |
Anonymous
| No, not at all. I don't remember them even checking my grades (other than report cards). I was born super Type A even though they are the opposite. I always got all As and requested to be sent to private school for high school because my public school wasn't good enough (they agreed to this request). My child is only 1, but I will definitely be pushier than my parents, though not a full on tiger. |
Anonymous
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My parents were extremely hands off...except for writing. My mother was an English teacher, so she'd mercilessly critique my papers.
"This is fine if you want to be another sheep in the flock..." Other than that, they had no idea what I was doing or when I was doing it. I went to a Big Ten school and just barely graduated with honors. They just wrote the checks. Got a full ride for my PhD at a middling university. I had a lot of fun and almost no pressure. I hope to reproduce that experience for my kids. |
Anonymous
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Mine did not. I was very internally motivated when it came to grades so it was never necessary. Although my dad did occasionally ask where the other 1 point was when I got a 99 on a test. I know he thought he was joking but I hated that. I was expected to go to college but not an Ivy-type school. I'm from CA so we were perfectly happy with the public Us (which is where I went). DH got no pressure about grades and was not expected to go to college but did after a mentor in a vocational program encouraged him. He went to the local public U (living at home) and never considered anything else. His family is totally clueless about college.
My DD is like me and I mainly try to dial down her stress about grades. DS is less internally motivated to get the work done no matter what. We encourage him to spend more time on assignments, remove privileges when grades drop below a B, get a tutor when needed, talk about what he wants to do in the future to help him see the connection between work now and what he wants later. But, ultimately, his schoolwork is his problem. He's a strong willed kid and unless we plan to discipline to the point of abuse or do his work for him, there really isn't a whole lot we can do about it beyond encouragement and limits on screen time. As a result he gets high As in the classes he likes (generally, math, some sciences, history) and struggles to keep a B in those he does not (English, Spanish). |
Anonymous
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Mine always pushed the wrong things.
If your kids are struggling, are they flailing or learning through their struggle? Schools today demand an enormous amount of clerical competence, and it doesn't come easily to some kids. There are also more completion grades, and less timely grading of writing. These facts work against success for some kids. Time to focus hard on process and study skills. If you force accurate planners, an absence of mystery about when things are due, and plans on how to get work done and studying done, the rest will fall into place. You can't yell about outcomes unless you start teaching this stuff. |
Anonymous
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Parents with internally motivated children knew they didn't need to push.
The question should be directed at kids who were not living up to their potential in school. |
Anonymous
+1000 I am totally you, and I completely relate. I am naturally quite driven and the "pushing" backfired in so many ways. Looking back, I also think my parents also had a strong need to feel like they were having an impact and influencing me. They lived vicariously through my achievements, and I think that by pushing and making themselves overly involved in it all, they felt like they earned the right to take some credit, too. Kinda' twisted, but given their childhoods (troubled with detached, under-involved parents) I get it. Anyway, I think it's all about knowing your children and what they need. My first born is incredibly driven and self-motivated. Way above grade-level from the start, but borderline intense from ages 4-6 with early signs of anxiety. So we backed WAY off of everything -- including homework, which was a stressor in K-1, so we asked the teachers to allow DC to opt-out completely. After that, it's been smooth sailing. Ages 7-10 have been a breeze. In addition to performing beautifully, and doing all the homework etc. without prompting or help, DC is remarkably even-keeled and relaxed about it all. More so than I ever was (or was allowed to be) at that age. (I remember getting hives in 4th grade that the doctor diagnosed as stress-related, and also crying a lot in school in 4th and 5th due to pent up anxiety and pressure. Ugh.) Meanwhile, our second born is slightly different. Just way more laid-back from the start. Not as overtly driven or academically-motivated as DC1, but always performing at or above grade level without any pushing from us. Is it possible DC2 could "do more" if we pushed? Maybe. External motivation does tend to work in the short-term. But the longer-term cost is not worth it to us. We'd rather give our kids space to discover and tap into their own sources of drive and motivation. So much healthier in the long run. Of course, I recognize this is all easy to say because our kids are doing well. If they were complete slackers or oppositional about school etc., maybe we'd have a more complicated situation on our hands. But DH and I don't have any urge to mess with a good thing -- even if other parents might look at the situation and see how additional pushing could make it "even better" on certain dimensions. Not for us. |
Anonymous
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My mother pushed HEAVILY on grades, but without knowing what to do when I struggled, which created a really negative situation that I resent to this day.
I attach great importance on grades too, but approach the situation more intelligently. Whenever I see my oldest start to struggle, I explain the material, coach him, prepare him for more challenging things, etc. I don't rule out getting a tutor for him if a topic proves too much for me. As a result, my relationship with my kids is much more positive. You can only demand achievement if you are prepared to help! |
Anonymous
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My parents were very strict. Immigrants ... we get the job done.
I was also very internally motivated, but they set the bar pretty high and it was extremely clear that I wouldn't be going to college unless I got massive scholarships. So I did. My sister was less motivated, but still obviously college-bound, so her bar was different. It didn't feel fair at the time, but as a parent, I understand it now. We are somewhat strict ... not tiger parents by any stretch, but always trying to get the kids to be the best they can be. |
Anonymous
It all depends on your point of view. What does it mean to be "living up to their potential in school"? Who gets to decide the "appropriate" level of academic achiement is for a particular child? And what makes you think that trying to get high grades is about "internal motivation"? I'm sure you've noticed that kids are different on this front. Some kids flat-out care more about grades -- and other straightforward symbols of achievement -- than other kids do. Just like in pre-K when some 5 year olds cared a lot about earning stickers on the sticker charts while others valued those types of rewards far less. I believe ALL kids are "internally motivated." It's a universal human trait to want to feel engaged and to accomplish something. It's a parent's job to be curious about and to recognize their kids' sources of internal motivation and to then connect that to learning if it's not happening naturally. Resources and specific tips: http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/SDT/documents/2011_KusurkarEtAl_MedTeacher.pdf http://edtheory.blogspot.com/2015/03/self-determination-theory-supporting.html https://www.amazon.com/Self-Motivated-Kid-Healthy-Children-Without/dp/0399175113 |
Anonymous
| O they just asked that we do the best we could. If the best was a c that we tried really hard for, they were happy. |
Anonymous
| I wasn't living up to potential, and no, they did not push me. |