Did your parents push you on grades? Performance?

[Anonymous]

Nope. I was little miss perfectionist/type A. It all came from me. My sons are so much like me in that aspect. School and sports---they have to be the best. Luckily, both come easy to them---but they have a hard time with perceived failure. I am always telling them effort is all I care about and they need to relax. There would be tears if they didn't bring home 100% in elementary school. I was seriously worried people at the school thought I was some crazed tiger mom (I'm Caucasian anyways). But--I always told them that was the time to learn and the grades didn't matter---but their school environment was pretty intense. They are competitive by nature too. As they get further along in school I worry about the undue pressure they put upon themselves. I am always keeping a close eye.

It's funny. We are very laid back about sports and school...and we have two of the most intense kids about those things. I usually am hearing from friends that their kids don't do schoolwork or need to be reminded a dozen times and my 6th grader actually said----"Ugh, I got a 100% on my math test which is going to bring down my 106%". WTF?!?!!!

[Anonymous]

No, but I was an honors student without even trying?. I never studied. My first love was my piano, and I was the choir pianist for two choirs and one youth group during high school. I went to college during high school. I still love my piano the most, and I've been out of school for almost 30 years. I don't push my kids. They all have different potential. Two are dyslexic, both have an IEP, and if they make good grades, I'm proud of them.If they don't, I say better luck next time. My other one is in a scholarship program at school. I don't worry about her. She's more like me.

[Anonymous]

Nope. My mom only cared about whether my room was clean and my dad, (who passed away when I was in middle school), kind of did his own thing and didn't bother much with us. Neither of my parents was well-educated (high school grad and college dropout).

My older brother was a so-so student who got a two-year degree and makes a comfortable living. Older sister was a decent student, went to state college and never worked. I was a straight A student, went to my state college and have a boring, well-paying federal government job. I'm perfectly content.

My spouse's parents are highly educated but neither of them was remotely pushy. DH took 10+ years to get through undergrad and masters program. Like OP, DH and I are very laid back about this stuff. I expect a decent effort, but I don't need my kids to have straight As and be star athletes and the president of 12 clubs. Older DC had a bumpy road in HS and is doing well in college. Younger DC (HS junior) is a better student, has better test scores, but is not very "academic." He loves music and is very involved in it, but he's not entering and winning competitions or anything. He'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

My mom made it clear that A- was a problem and only A is OK. Took note.

[Anonymous]

No, but they were clear that we were expected to (1) do all our homework and (2) do our best. The grades mattered only insofar as they expected us to get the best grades we were capable of, not that they expected us to get straight As or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Yes but I am Asian. I try to tone it down for DS but find it difficult. DS is very competitive and self motivated already but I can’t help myself since that is how I was raised.

[Anonymous]

I was only allowed to get one grade per quarter lower than an A, that grade was not allowed to be lower than a B+ (we had no minus grades, so B+ was next lower than A), and couldn't get more than one B+ in any given class in a school year. It was awful. I was a self-motivated student who would have gotten the same grades without these rules, but I would literally get sick with stress at the end of every quarter, worried that some grade would come in unexpectedly low and get me grounded for the entire next quarter (the punishment for not making expected grades).

I will not do this to my children. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Asian here, do i even have to answer?

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. Our family is very tight. I push my kids too. They are in AP classes and straight A students., plus varsity athletes and speak 3 languages.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have parents, so no, they didn't push grades. I helped my kids all through elementary school. In the beginning of middle school I prompted them to help themselves, and in 8th grade I backed off even more. At the start of 9th grade, I just ask "How's science going?" or "Hey finals are coming up, what do you need in order to study for them?" Sometimes they wanted me to quiz them and sometimes they just wanted me to keep the snacks flowing.

One kid went to Berkeley, one to Stanford. The two youngest are in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I was grounded if I got less than an A in any subject.

I also played sports and if I had a bad game I got yelled at, especially if I lacked effort or hustle.

I’ve turned out perfectly fine—I’m a happy person and I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, so no, you won’t f*** up your kids by having expectations for them. My dad was the hardest on me and we text every day about football and sports, and funny pictures we saw and stuff.

I am a bit of a perfectionist to this day but I’m thankful for the way I was raised.

[Anonymous]

My parents never asked about grades. What they always told us was that our level of effort would be our result. In fact I don't think they ever looked at report cards unless we asked them to. My mom recently gave me a bunch of stuff from college. In the box was a stack of mail from my two universities and many of the envelopes were addressed to me and contained report cards. They were unopened. Given that I was on the DAD&MOM scholarship plan, a full ride, I think most parents would have opened the envelopes...

They did, however, lead a lot by example. They talked about my dad's struggle out of family poverty and how hard it was to pay for college by himself. They talked about the big differences in our family versus his siblings' families, especially as it related to financial comfort and how much easier our lives were because of my dad's stable job and the higher income he earned because of his college degree. They talked about my mom's family and how every child, even the girls, went to college during the '50's and '60's, and the difference it made in their lives because they could be self-sufficient. I would say that this one theme of leading by example came up every night at dinner and every family meeting.

When my dad went back to school at night to get a graduate degree they talked about why and the outcome he expected professionally. When my SAHM went back to school part-time to get a graduate degree they did the same thing and talked about how she wanted to use the degree when she entered the workforce.

They also talked about when they failed. And usually they attributed the failure to not doing the best they could or a mistake they made. I cannot recall them ever attributing a failure to someone else or the fault of the "system". So they taught us about owning our results. But they never ever asked about grades.

[Anonymous]

I was an academically gifted and anxious kid. My parents never pushed me on homework or grades. My mom did help cultivate and encourage me socially, though. Not to befriend the most popular kids or have an impeccable reputation or anything like that, but to have wide-ranging friendships and solid social connections. Their parenting reflected their values and priorities. Being an academic star was not something they saw as leading to a successful life. I always did well in school, but a B here and there was nothing to note or correct.