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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Mine did, and I have known since I was 12 that I would make sure I was more like you when I was a parent. If that tells you anything. In reality, I think the best answer is that you need to know your kids and their personalities. I was already an intense kid, constantly in intense environments (I grew up in this area), and all that pressure was seriously NOT good for me. I was constantly terrified to mess up, never learned that it was okay to fail, seriously believed that my parents' love was somewhat dependent on my performance (they would be horrified to hear that. They were no different than all the other intense parents in this area...that's just how I felt because, as stated, I was already an intense, serious, sensitive kid). I was wayyyy too stressed at way too young of an age, and it was not healthy. I also was totally burned out by the time I hit 25 (newly graduated from Harvard law). It hampered me more than anything.

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+1000

I am totally you, and I completely relate.  I am naturally quite driven and the "pushing" backfired in so many ways.

Looking back, I also think my parents also had a strong need to feel like they were having an impact and influencing me.  They lived vicariously through my achievements, and I think  that by pushing and making themselves overly involved in it all, they felt like they earned the right to take some credit, too.  Kinda' twisted, but given their childhoods (troubled with detached, under-involved parents) I get it.

Anyway, I think it's all about knowing your children and what they need.  My first born is incredibly driven and self-motivated.  Way above grade-level from the start, but borderline intense from ages 4-6 with early signs of anxiety.  So we backed WAY off of everything -- including homework, which was a stressor in K-1, so we asked the teachers to allow DC to opt-out completely.  After that, it's been smooth sailing.  Ages 7-10 have been a breeze.  In addition to performing beautifully, and doing all the homework etc. without prompting or help, DC is remarkably even-keeled and relaxed about it all.  More so than I ever was (or was allowed to be) at that age.  (I remember getting hives in 4th grade that the doctor diagnosed as stress-related, and also crying a lot in school in 4th and 5th due to pent up anxiety and pressure.  Ugh.)

Meanwhile, our second born is slightly different.  Just way more laid-back from the start.  Not as overtly driven or academically-motivated as DC1, but always performing at or above grade level without any pushing from us.  Is it possible DC2 could "do more" if we pushed?  Maybe.  External motivation does tend to work in the short-term.  But the longer-term cost is not worth it to us.  We'd rather give our kids space to discover and tap into their own sources of drive and motivation.  So much healthier in the long run.

Of course, I recognize this is all easy to say because our kids are doing well.  If they were complete slackers or oppositional about school etc., maybe we'd have a more complicated situation on our hands.  But DH and I don't have any urge to mess with a good thing -- even if other parents might look at the situation and see how additional pushing could make it "even better" on certain dimensions.  Not for us.[/quote]

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