Abusive Spouses Really Surprised When You File for Divorce?

[Anonymous]

Is an abusive spouse really that surprised when you file for divorce? My wife is "shocked and hurt" that I filed for divorce, that I could be so "vicious," yet for years I have put up with unending verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from her. She is now acting like a child who is being abandoned. I really think she lives in some fantasy world, as no one who knows us, including her own family, are surprised by the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Understandable. She was in a bubble and took you for granted. Sounds like she wasn't listening to you. Sad! Hopefully she will learn. Also she didn't get like this in a vacuum. You weren't meeting her needs either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understandable. She was in a bubble and took you for granted. Sounds like she wasn't listening to you. Sad! Hopefully she will learn. Also she didn't get like this in a vacuum. You weren't meeting her needs either.

You’re seriously going to blame the victim of spousal abuse for not meeting the abuser’s needs? Really?

[Anonymous]

11:34 here again. I was so shocked by the first response I forgot to respond to OP.

Yes, they’re often surprised because they don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong. They feel like the wronged party. They see the abuse as a normal response to whatever set them off, and as the victim’s fault. For example, if you’d been on time, dressed appropriately, not burned dinner, etc, they wouldn’t need to call names, withhold affection, become violent. Of course, that’s nonsense, but people who are abusive aren’t coming from an emotionally heathy place to start with. So yeah, it’s often shocking to them that someone wouldn’t tolerate their behavior.

It’s also very shocking for them to realize they’ve lost control over the other person.

[Anonymous]

It is really hard to understand - but it does make sense. Domestic violence is about someone wanting to gain power over you and control you by abusing you. So, they can be surprised when the abused spouse makes a stand.

Good for you! Stay strong, and I hope you have a a supportive network. There are programs where you can get free services (counseling, etc).

Also - you may want to consider getting a protective order against her as well.

[Anonymous]

Mine was very surprised because I had put up with it for a long time and it had become the new norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understandable. She was in a bubble and took you for granted. Sounds like she wasn't listening to you. Sad! Hopefully she will learn. Also she didn't get like this in a vacuum. You weren't meeting her needs either.

You have got to be kidding me. Ugh.

OP - don't listen to this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is an abusive spouse really that surprised when you file for divorce? My wife is "shocked and hurt" that I filed for divorce, that I could be so "vicious," yet for years I have put up with unending verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from her. She is now acting like a child who is being abandoned. I really think she lives in some fantasy world, as no one who knows us, including her own family, are surprised by the divorce.

That's because she didn't think you would have the uhm, nerve to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:34 here again. I was so shocked by the first response I forgot to respond to OP.

Yes, they’re often surprised because they don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong. They feel like the wronged party. They see the abuse as a normal response to whatever set them off, and as the victim’s fault. For example, if you’d been on time, dressed appropriately, not burned dinner, etc, they wouldn’t need to call names, withhold affection, become violent. Of course, that’s nonsense, but people who are abusive aren’t coming from an emotionally heathy place to start with. So yeah, it’s often shocking to them that someone wouldn’t tolerate their behavior.

It’s also very shocking for them to realize they’ve lost control over the other person.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:34 here again. I was so shocked by the first response I forgot to respond to OP.

Yes, they’re often surprised because they don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong. They feel like the wronged party. They see the abuse as a normal response to whatever set them off, and as the victim’s fault. For example, if you’d been on time, dressed appropriately, not burned dinner, etc, they wouldn’t need to call names, withhold affection, become violent. Of course, that’s nonsense, but people who are abusive aren’t coming from an emotionally heathy place to start with. So yeah, it’s often shocking to them that someone wouldn’t tolerate their behavior.

It’s also very shocking for them to realize they’ve lost control over the other person.

Agree agree agree. The abuser blames YOU for all that is going wrong, see themselves and their actions as normal. And you've put up with it for a certain amount of time.

She needs to take a long hard look at herself. Until she actually sees what she's been doing, she won't understand why you left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is an abusive spouse really that surprised when you file for divorce? My wife is "shocked and hurt" that I filed for divorce, that I could be so "vicious," yet for years I have put up with unending verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from her. She is now acting like a child who is being abandoned. I really think she lives in some fantasy world, as no one who knows us, including her own family, are surprised by the divorce.

My abusive husband would not be 'shocked' but would certainly have the same victim mentality your wife does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11:34 here again. I was so shocked by the first response I forgot to respond to OP.

Yes, they’re often surprised because they don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong. They feel like the wronged party. They see the abuse as a normal response to whatever set them off, and as the victim’s fault. For example, if you’d been on time, dressed appropriately, not burned dinner, etc, they wouldn’t need to call names, withhold affection, become violent. Of course, that’s nonsense, but people who are abusive aren’t coming from an emotionally heathy place to start with. So yeah, it’s often shocking to them that someone wouldn’t tolerate their behavior.

It’s also very shocking for them to realize they’ve lost control over the other person.

Agree agree agree. The abuser blames YOU for all that is going wrong, see themselves and their actions as normal. And you've put up with it for a certain amount of time.

She needs to take a long hard look at herself. Until she actually sees what she's been doing, she won't understand why you left.

Correct. When our son was in the hospital, and we were waiting for the cardiologist's report as to whether or not our son's heart had sustained damage due to an illness, my husband sent me down to get some much-needed food as I had been in the hospital room nearly 18 hours. He promised to let me know if there was any news. While I was downstairs, the cardiologist's nurse came in and told my husband that the echo showed no issues, and the cardiologist would be in soon with more detail, but didn't want us to worry. I came back a few moments later and asked my husband if there was any news. He said "nope". I found out that the nurse had been there when the cardiologist came in stating "I guess by now you know all is normal as per my nurse" and I said No and my husband said Yes, simultaneously. The cardiologist's jaw dropped and he took three big steps backwards. The when there was no further reaction, he said his piece and left.

After he left, I asked my husband why he didn't tell me and he said (not looking up from his phone) "I forgot".

When we speak about it now, he says "Well, I didn't think her opinion counted so I didn't tell you". Shifting sands, I like to call it.

Why did he do it? All I can come up with is that his mother was also sick with cancer and he didn't want to leave her to help me. And that he and his brother had already decided our son wasn't really sick with what he was diagnosed with, and that I created the whole thing for attention. Despite medical testing I might add.

Bottom line: He still sees his actions as perfectly normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is an abusive spouse really that surprised when you file for divorce? My wife is "shocked and hurt" that I filed for divorce, that I could be so "vicious," yet for years I have put up with unending verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from her. She is now acting like a child who is being abandoned. I really think she lives in some fantasy world, as no one who knows us, including her own family, are surprised by the divorce.

Any chance she may be suffering from a personality disorder? Her world view may be so skewed, that she she sees her abuse towards you as normal reactions to imagined slights from you. The way you describe her as acting like a "child being abandoned" suggests to me this may be what is happening. Do you mind if I ask how her childhood was? Do you think she suffered any abuse or abandonment then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is an abusive spouse really that surprised when you file for divorce? My wife is "shocked and hurt" that I filed for divorce, that I could be so "vicious," yet for years I have put up with unending verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from her. She is now acting like a child who is being abandoned. I really think she lives in some fantasy world, as no one who knows us, including her own family, are surprised by the divorce.

Any chance she may be suffering from a personality disorder? Her world view may be so skewed, that she she sees her abuse towards you as normal reactions to imagined slights from you. The way you describe her as acting like a "child being abandoned" suggests to me this may be what is happening. Do you mind if I ask how her childhood was? Do you think she suffered any abuse or abandonment then?

She probably suffered some sort of abuse. Most abusers do. It’s cyclical. Doesn’t mean the victim has to be the one to help the abuser get help. When a woman posts that she’s leaving her abusive DH, do you ask her if her DH was abused as a child and wonder if he feels abandoned when he loses his punching bag?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is an abusive spouse really that surprised when you file for divorce? My wife is "shocked and hurt" that I filed for divorce, that I could be so "vicious," yet for years I have put up with unending verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from her. She is now acting like a child who is being abandoned. I really think she lives in some fantasy world, as no one who knows us, including her own family, are surprised by the divorce.

'

OP, abusive spouses are exceptionally good at putting on an "outside mask" for others to see their "nice side". Of course people are going to be surprised that you filed for divorce. Good for you!