Reply to Abusive Spouses Really Surprised When You File for Divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]11:34 here again. I was so shocked by the first response I forgot to respond to OP.

Yes, they’re often surprised because they don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong. They feel like the wronged party. They see the abuse as a normal response to whatever set them off, and as the victim’s fault. For example, if you’d been on time, dressed appropriately, not burned dinner, etc, they wouldn’t need to call names, withhold affection, become violent. Of course, that’s nonsense, but people who are abusive aren’t coming from an emotionally heathy place to start with. So yeah, it’s often shocking to them that someone wouldn’t tolerate their behavior.

It’s also very shocking for them to realize they’ve lost control over the other person. [/quote]

Agree agree agree. The abuser blames YOU for all that is going wrong, see themselves and their actions as normal.  And you've put up with it for a certain amount of time.

She needs to take a long hard look at herself. Until she actually sees what she's been doing, she won't understand why you left.[/quote]

Correct. When our son was in the hospital, and we were waiting for the cardiologist's report as to whether or not our son's heart had sustained damage due to an illness, my husband sent me down to get some much-needed food as I had been in the  hospital room nearly 18 hours. He promised to let me know if there was any news. While I was downstairs, the cardiologist's nurse came in and told my husband that the echo showed no issues, and the cardiologist would be in soon with more detail, but didn't want us to worry. I came back a few moments later and asked my husband if there was any news. He said "nope". I found out that the nurse had been there when the cardiologist came in stating "I guess by now you know all is normal as per my nurse" and I said No and my husband said Yes, simultaneously. The cardiologist's jaw dropped and he took three big steps backwards. The when there was no further reaction, he said his piece and left.

After he left, I asked my husband why he didn't tell me and he said (not looking up from his phone)  "I forgot".

When we speak about it now, he says "Well, I didn't think her opinion counted so I didn't tell you".  Shifting sands, I like to call it.

Why did he do it? All I can come up with is that his mother was also sick with cancer and he didn't want to leave her to help me. And that he and his brother had already decided our son wasn't really sick with what he was diagnosed with, and that I created the whole thing for attention. Despite medical testing I might add.

Bottom line: He still sees his actions as perfectly normal.[/quote]

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