Abusive Spouses Really Surprised When You File for Divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is an abusive spouse really that surprised when you file for divorce? My wife is "shocked and hurt" that I filed for divorce, that I could be so "vicious," yet for years I have put up with unending verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from her. She is now acting like a child who is being abandoned. I really think she lives in some fantasy world, as no one who knows us, including her own family, are surprised by the divorce.

Any chance she may be suffering from a personality disorder? Her world view may be so skewed, that she she sees her abuse towards you as normal reactions to imagined slights from you. The way you describe her as acting like a "child being abandoned" suggests to me this may be what is happening. Do you mind if I ask how her childhood was? Do you think she suffered any abuse or abandonment then?

She probably suffered some sort of abuse. Most abusers do. It’s cyclical. Doesn’t mean the victim has to be the one to help the abuser get help. When a woman posts that she’s leaving her abusive DH, do you ask her if her DH was abused as a child and wonder if he feels abandoned when he loses his punching bag?

+1 Abusive people have usually been abused. You are ending the cycle, OP.

[Anonymous]

It would be highly unusual for an abusive person to fully understand the consequences of their actions, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why did he do it? All I can come up with is that his mother was also sick with cancer and he didn't want to leave her to help me. And that he and his brother had already decided our son wasn't really sick with what he was diagnosed with, and that I created the whole thing for attention. Despite medical testing I might add.

Bottom line: He still sees his actions as perfectly normal.

Did you divorce him yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why did he do it? All I can come up with is that his mother was also sick with cancer and he didn't want to leave her to help me. And that he and his brother had already decided our son wasn't really sick with what he was diagnosed with, and that I created the whole thing for attention. Despite medical testing I might add.

Bottom line: He still sees his actions as perfectly normal.

Did you divorce him yet?

At the time, there was way too much at stake for the kids. And living in VA, you have to be really careful about timing/divorce. I am now considering it. Was it worth staying? Yes, because I was there when my kids got sick to balance the 'no antibiotic' new age crazy of his family so no one died. Did I pay a huge emotional toll? Yep.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how a person who was actually abused could ask this question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how a person who was actually abused could ask this question.

Because when you are in the middle of things, things are clear as mud.

[Anonymous]

Yes my XH was shocked because in his mind he was never wrong.

[Anonymous]

I thought i’d written this!

Yes. I am still blamed years later. By her and her mother. Her father wrote me a note calling me a “foolish hero” for staying as long as I did. Her therapist told me I was lucky to have gotten out alive.

She still doesn’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he was. Even after an alcohol intervention. (Turned out it wasn't the alcohol; he was just abusive.) You really wonder sometimes how they can rationally be surprised, especially if you have given them all sorts of warnings. But they always are, so far as my own experience and everyone's I have talked to on forums for abuse goes. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how a person who was actually abused could ask this question.

Maybe you had parents who modeled a healthy relationship and/or you weren’t abused as a child, so you didn’t grow up thinking it was normal. Maybe you weren’t groomed by an abuser who slowly changed your perception to think abuse is normal. Maybe you’ve never seen it up close and personal. Because if you’ve ever had that kind of first hand experience, you can usually have a little empathy and understanding about how someone can be confused and conflicted about what they suffered and why they might look for the clarity they lack about why their abuser behaved how she or he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is an abusive spouse really that surprised when you file for divorce? My wife is "shocked and hurt" that I filed for divorce, that I could be so "vicious," yet for years I have put up with unending verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from her. She is now acting like a child who is being abandoned. I really think she lives in some fantasy world, as no one who knows us, including her own family, are surprised by the divorce.

Any chance she may be suffering from a personality disorder? Her world view may be so skewed, that she she sees her abuse towards you as normal reactions to imagined slights from you. The way you describe her as acting like a "child being abandoned" suggests to me this may be what is happening. Do you mind if I ask how her childhood was? Do you think she suffered any abuse or abandonment then?

Father died when she was young. He was an alcoholic and according to her sister a “mean drunk.”

[Anonymous]

Mine was.

Blown away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes my XH was shocked because in his mind he was never wrong.

Same here. This is such a big root of the problem. My XH was abused as a child, his father was very mean, demeaning, controlling, violent, etc. As much as XH suffered growing up, that aggressive way of dealing with other people's faults seemed normal to him. His logic was that he is always right, and if I would only do what he says then all would be well. And if I fail to do a hundred things his way, then I'm uncompromising/not trying hard enough. He corrected nearly everything I did: where to set a pot to dry, how and when to speak, how to walk, and countless other things had to be his way. To him "listen" and "obey" are synonyms. He refused to add me to the apartment lease because then I'd have no rights when he kicked me out.

The last time we broke up, I told myself that I'm done for good, because he is always right, I get all the blame, and nothing will ever change. A few months after we split, I met a good guy and slept with him. When XH found out, he was furious and shocked that I "cheated" on him, called me a whore, sent me texts "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." It really was a shock to him that I truly left and moved on.

[Anonymous]

My exW sounds just like OP's. She had even told our marriage counselor that I was "too much of a coward to ever divorce her." Now, years later, she continues to try to control and/or ruin my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes my XH was shocked because in his mind he was never wrong.

Same here. This is such a big root of the problem. My XH was abused as a child, his father was very mean, demeaning, controlling, violent, etc. As much as XH suffered growing up, that aggressive way of dealing with other people's faults seemed normal to him. His logic was that he is always right, and if I would only do what he says then all would be well. And if I fail to do a hundred things his way, then I'm uncompromising/not trying hard enough. He corrected nearly everything I did: where to set a pot to dry, how and when to speak, how to walk, and countless other things had to be his way. To him "listen" and "obey" are synonyms. He refused to add me to the apartment lease because then I'd have no rights when he kicked me out.

The last time we broke up, I told myself that I'm done for good, because he is always right, I get all the blame, and nothing will ever change. A few months after we split, I met a good guy and slept with him. When XH found out, he was furious and shocked that I "cheated" on him, called me a whore, sent me texts "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." It really was a shock to him that I truly left and moved on.

I think too, that those who have never been in a situation like yours, feel it's extremely clear as to what to do. They don't understand the abject fear.