Abusive Spouses Really Surprised When You File for Divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:34 here again. I was so shocked by the first response I forgot to respond to OP.

Yes, they’re often surprised because they don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong. They feel like the wronged party. They see the abuse as a normal response to whatever set them off, and as the victim’s fault. For example, if you’d been on time, dressed appropriately, not burned dinner, etc, they wouldn’t need to call names, withhold affection, become violent. Of course, that’s nonsense, but people who are abusive aren’t coming from an emotionally heathy place to start with. So yeah, it’s often shocking to them that someone wouldn’t tolerate their behavior.

It’s also very shocking for them to realize they’ve lost control over the other person.

This was my XH.

To be honest, I shocked myself when I filed. I was 6 mos pregnant. My baby saved us both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really hard to understand - but it does make sense. Domestic violence is about someone wanting to gain power over you and control you by abusing you. So, they can be surprised when the abused spouse makes a stand.

Good for you! Stay strong, and I hope you have a a supportive network. There are programs where you can get free services (counseling, etc).

Also - you may want to consider getting a protective order against her as well.

Can you post/recommend any in the NoVa area? TIA.

[Anonymous]

Yes, ex-DH was in denial and shocked. Years later he still can't quite grasp it. I've moved on and he hasn't.