Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll go. DH and I both come from generational wealth and have worked for approx. 20 years (we are 43 and 45). I will continue to work for a million reasons but the highlights are:
- Genuinely love my job (big 4 consulting; I like the subject matter, my clients, and the substantive work).
- Continuing to build nest egg for my kids and not being the generation that drops the ball. Although I recognize that family money got us to where we are today (paid for education), I'd be embarrassed to be living on what we inherited rather than what we earn.
- The biggest one: my daughters and, to a lesser extent, my young female colleagues. I am beyond disappointed by my friends who are smarter, better educated, and (formerly) higher earning than their husbands but who have chosen to SAH. I fight the gender battle every. single. day. at work and I don't think these women appreciate the larger repercussions of their decisions. They make hiring, retention, and promotion SO much harder for their daughters when they embody the stereotypes/expectations that I am always fighting against. At this point most of my friends are no longer working or have "mom" jobs (self-employed consultants, tutors, etc.), and maybe I am crazy but I hate that my young daughters are growing up in a world where they see that, where they unconsciously internalize it and what it may mean about them, and where in the workforce they will have to battle expectations not that different from what my mom fought in the 80s. That is insane to me, and it is really difficult for me to understand how my friends don't see that and what sort of example/precedent they are setting.
- I hate cooking, gardening, and cleaning, and having a job gives me an excuse to outsource them.
- Prestige. This is probably a DC/NY/SF-specific thing, but it makes me very proud to tell people my job. I especially love watching men who completely underestimate me, and saying something snappy to the (typically older) women who rudely check in all the time to see if I am still working. They are ALL expecting that at some point I'm going to cave and join my friends, which I guess gets back to the point above about feeling like those of us working are trying to carry the mantle for our daughters.

I get that in a Barbie world, it would be liberating for women to have the choice whether to remain in or leave the workforce. But men aren't doing it; so until they are, all the women doing it -- even those who feel like they have "earned it" or like it is temporary or for their kids -- disappoint me. And don't get me started on the women who are staying at home to raise the next female CEO/president -- unless they are idiots, they are lying to themselves if they don't see that this is a self-perpetuating cycle.

LOL, you sound terrible. You are a misogynist parading as a feminist which is the absolute worst. You also most hilariously are proud of your consulting job. Find me a group of more self aggrandizing people who add nothing to society than the K Street consultant. You are dull and ignorant and I'm so sorry that you will end up one of those people who on their death bed maybe finally realize that life isn't about working.
Signed, a working mother

The best part is that PP comes from generational wealth and carries this attitude.

She probably has a small trust fund.

Our kids will get a trust fund of around $10m. I don’t really consider this generational wealth. I know others would. This is hardly enough to live off and raise a family with. You can’t.

Get bent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll go. DH and I both come from generational wealth and have worked for approx. 20 years (we are 43 and 45). I will continue to work for a million reasons but the highlights are:
- Genuinely love my job (big 4 consulting; I like the subject matter, my clients, and the substantive work).
- Continuing to build nest egg for my kids and not being the generation that drops the ball. Although I recognize that family money got us to where we are today (paid for education), I'd be embarrassed to be living on what we inherited rather than what we earn.
- The biggest one: my daughters and, to a lesser extent, my young female colleagues. I am beyond disappointed by my friends who are smarter, better educated, and (formerly) higher earning than their husbands but who have chosen to SAH. I fight the gender battle every. single. day. at work and I don't think these women appreciate the larger repercussions of their decisions. They make hiring, retention, and promotion SO much harder for their daughters when they embody the stereotypes/expectations that I am always fighting against. At this point most of my friends are no longer working or have "mom" jobs (self-employed consultants, tutors, etc.), and maybe I am crazy but I hate that my young daughters are growing up in a world where they see that, where they unconsciously internalize it and what it may mean about them, and where in the workforce they will have to battle expectations not that different from what my mom fought in the 80s. That is insane to me, and it is really difficult for me to understand how my friends don't see that and what sort of example/precedent they are setting.
- I hate cooking, gardening, and cleaning, and having a job gives me an excuse to outsource them.
- Prestige. This is probably a DC/NY/SF-specific thing, but it makes me very proud to tell people my job. I especially love watching men who completely underestimate me, and saying something snappy to the (typically older) women who rudely check in all the time to see if I am still working. They are ALL expecting that at some point I'm going to cave and join my friends, which I guess gets back to the point above about feeling like those of us working are trying to carry the mantle for our daughters.

I get that in a Barbie world, it would be liberating for women to have the choice whether to remain in or leave the workforce. But men aren't doing it; so until they are, all the women doing it -- even those who feel like they have "earned it" or like it is temporary or for their kids -- disappoint me. And don't get me started on the women who are staying at home to raise the next female CEO/president -- unless they are idiots, they are lying to themselves if they don't see that this is a self-perpetuating cycle.

Lol. You’re working so…your daughters and her friends might not internalize that they too can make choice to stay at home? How about recognizing the autonomy of your fellow women to make the best choices for her and for her family? I hate when feminism gets twisted into the morality of mandatory paid employment. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll go. DH and I both come from generational wealth and have worked for approx. 20 years (we are 43 and 45). I will continue to work for a million reasons but the highlights are:
- Genuinely love my job (big 4 consulting; I like the subject matter, my clients, and the substantive work).
- Continuing to build nest egg for my kids and not being the generation that drops the ball. Although I recognize that family money got us to where we are today (paid for education), I'd be embarrassed to be living on what we inherited rather than what we earn.
- The biggest one: my daughters and, to a lesser extent, my young female colleagues. I am beyond disappointed by my friends who are smarter, better educated, and (formerly) higher earning than their husbands but who have chosen to SAH. I fight the gender battle every. single. day. at work and I don't think these women appreciate the larger repercussions of their decisions. They make hiring, retention, and promotion SO much harder for their daughters when they embody the stereotypes/expectations that I am always fighting against. At this point most of my friends are no longer working or have "mom" jobs (self-employed consultants, tutors, etc.), and maybe I am crazy but I hate that my young daughters are growing up in a world where they see that, where they unconsciously internalize it and what it may mean about them, and where in the workforce they will have to battle expectations not that different from what my mom fought in the 80s. That is insane to me, and it is really difficult for me to understand how my friends don't see that and what sort of example/precedent they are setting.
- I hate cooking, gardening, and cleaning, and having a job gives me an excuse to outsource them.
- Prestige. This is probably a DC/NY/SF-specific thing, but it makes me very proud to tell people my job. I especially love watching men who completely underestimate me, and saying something snappy to the (typically older) women who rudely check in all the time to see if I am still working. They are ALL expecting that at some point I'm going to cave and join my friends, which I guess gets back to the point above about feeling like those of us working are trying to carry the mantle for our daughters.

I get that in a Barbie world, it would be liberating for women to have the choice whether to remain in or leave the workforce. But men aren't doing it; so until they are, all the women doing it -- even those who feel like they have "earned it" or like it is temporary or for their kids -- disappoint me. And don't get me started on the women who are staying at home to raise the next female CEO/president -- unless they are idiots, they are lying to themselves if they don't see that this is a self-perpetuating cycle.

Lol. You’re working so…your daughters and her friends might not internalize that they too can make choice to stay at home? How about recognizing the autonomy of your fellow women to make the best choices for her and for her family? I hate when feminism gets twisted into the morality of mandatory paid employment. Gross.

Until men start becoming a SAHD, it’s not the choice and autonomy you say it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TLR all of the above, but in my case, it is b/c the "feminist" movement devalued the role of SAHM and then dual-income families drove prices up. So I like to contribute where I can and feel like I'm using my advanced degrees. However, my top priority remains emotional & physical availability for my kids. I stayed at home exclusively for many years. Now that my kids are older & mainly need me after school, and I found a flexible position with hours during the school day and a fair rate of pay (these things generally don't overlap!), I jumped at the chance to get back into the workplace. Things feel a little crazy even part-time so my hat is off to the FT work-outside-the-home moms. Because we don't need my income, I can be very picky about the job(s) I take. Every job I've had since kids has been part-time, higher rate of pay (vs benefits), and offered flexibility with hours & sick time if the kids need me. I do not know how FT dual income families are making things work, but if you are in a rat race situation, drop all the expensive activities and extras and see if you can simplify & live on one income. Do you even need a house as large as you have?! So much of what we think is necessary in NOVA just isn't. This is a bubble. A simpler life/childhood for your kids with more downtime & connection (especially if extended family isn't nearby) is critical for children. Look at the mental illness, suicidal ideation, and behavior issues. They need our connection.

You have sophomoric understanding of economics and history with respect to the workforce and inflation and psychology for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll go. DH and I both come from generational wealth and have worked for approx. 20 years (we are 43 and 45). I will continue to work for a million reasons but the highlights are:
- Genuinely love my job (big 4 consulting; I like the subject matter, my clients, and the substantive work).
- Continuing to build nest egg for my kids and not being the generation that drops the ball. Although I recognize that family money got us to where we are today (paid for education), I'd be embarrassed to be living on what we inherited rather than what we earn.
- The biggest one: my daughters and, to a lesser extent, my young female colleagues. I am beyond disappointed by my friends who are smarter, better educated, and (formerly) higher earning than their husbands but who have chosen to SAH. I fight the gender battle every. single. day. at work and I don't think these women appreciate the larger repercussions of their decisions. They make hiring, retention, and promotion SO much harder for their daughters when they embody the stereotypes/expectations that I am always fighting against. At this point most of my friends are no longer working or have "mom" jobs (self-employed consultants, tutors, etc.), and maybe I am crazy but I hate that my young daughters are growing up in a world where they see that, where they unconsciously internalize it and what it may mean about them, and where in the workforce they will have to battle expectations not that different from what my mom fought in the 80s. That is insane to me, and it is really difficult for me to understand how my friends don't see that and what sort of example/precedent they are setting.
- I hate cooking, gardening, and cleaning, and having a job gives me an excuse to outsource them.
- Prestige. This is probably a DC/NY/SF-specific thing, but it makes me very proud to tell people my job. I especially love watching men who completely underestimate me, and saying something snappy to the (typically older) women who rudely check in all the time to see if I am still working. They are ALL expecting that at some point I'm going to cave and join my friends, which I guess gets back to the point above about feeling like those of us working are trying to carry the mantle for our daughters.

I get that in a Barbie world, it would be liberating for women to have the choice whether to remain in or leave the workforce. But men aren't doing it; so until they are, all the women doing it -- even those who feel like they have "earned it" or like it is temporary or for their kids -- disappoint me. And don't get me started on the women who are staying at home to raise the next female CEO/president -- unless they are idiots, they are lying to themselves if they don't see that this is a self-perpetuating cycle.

YES to this. +1000
I think that the women who hate this explanation have little gratitude for the sacrifices that women made and still make to ensure that girls and women are given the same opportunities as boys and men. I'm a tenured professor in a heavily male-dominated field, and every year I make a commitment to stay in academia even though DH makes several million a year, and I don't need to work for the money. Are there some years when I think, OK, I've had enough stress and enough BS, I want to quit and tend to my family and home? Of course. I actually enjoy doing "mom" stuff and decorating and gardening. I make the choice to work not because I got bored of SAH or my kids and family "need" me to cook, clean, etc. Whenever women drop out of academia so that they can better support their men, it is a loss for future generations of girls and women. This is why getting women promoted in academia remains an uphill battle. Universities are reluctant to invest in women if they're not in it for the long haul.
I am, too, so disappointed in the women I know, some of whom who have multiple graduate degrees, who choose to SAH even when they clearly have enough disposable income to outsource help, even when their kids are in middle school or high school or even college, even when they claim to espouse liberal or progressive values. If a parent's example is the most signifiant way in which we pass on our values to our children, then highly-educated, wealthy mothers are, in fact, sending a message to their daughters that the best life to choose, if given the option, is one in which your man is your plan and that a woman's education is nice, but not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll go. DH and I both come from generational wealth and have worked for approx. 20 years (we are 43 and 45). I will continue to work for a million reasons but the highlights are:
- Genuinely love my job (big 4 consulting; I like the subject matter, my clients, and the substantive work).
- Continuing to build nest egg for my kids and not being the generation that drops the ball. Although I recognize that family money got us to where we are today (paid for education), I'd be embarrassed to be living on what we inherited rather than what we earn.
- The biggest one: my daughters and, to a lesser extent, my young female colleagues. I am beyond disappointed by my friends who are smarter, better educated, and (formerly) higher earning than their husbands but who have chosen to SAH. I fight the gender battle every. single. day. at work and I don't think these women appreciate the larger repercussions of their decisions. They make hiring, retention, and promotion SO much harder for their daughters when they embody the stereotypes/expectations that I am always fighting against. At this point most of my friends are no longer working or have "mom" jobs (self-employed consultants, tutors, etc.), and maybe I am crazy but I hate that my young daughters are growing up in a world where they see that, where they unconsciously internalize it and what it may mean about them, and where in the workforce they will have to battle expectations not that different from what my mom fought in the 80s. That is insane to me, and it is really difficult for me to understand how my friends don't see that and what sort of example/precedent they are setting.
- I hate cooking, gardening, and cleaning, and having a job gives me an excuse to outsource them.
- Prestige. This is probably a DC/NY/SF-specific thing, but it makes me very proud to tell people my job. I especially love watching men who completely underestimate me, and saying something snappy to the (typically older) women who rudely check in all the time to see if I am still working. They are ALL expecting that at some point I'm going to cave and join my friends, which I guess gets back to the point above about feeling like those of us working are trying to carry the mantle for our daughters.

I get that in a Barbie world, it would be liberating for women to have the choice whether to remain in or leave the workforce. But men aren't doing it; so until they are, all the women doing it -- even those who feel like they have "earned it" or like it is temporary or for their kids -- disappoint me. And don't get me started on the women who are staying at home to raise the next female CEO/president -- unless they are idiots, they are lying to themselves if they don't see that this is a self-perpetuating cycle.

Lol. You’re working so…your daughters and her friends might not internalize that they too can make choice to stay at home? How about recognizing the autonomy of your fellow women to make the best choices for her and for her family? I hate when feminism gets twisted into the morality of mandatory paid employment. Gross.

Until men start becoming a SAHD, it’s not the choice and autonomy you say it is.

Some men are choosing this, so maybe that’s progress. I like setting a good example for my daughters by working. These men are also setting a good example to their daughters and their friend (my DD) by not working. My kids have a social circle where at the play dates there are moms, nannies, dads, au pairs, and sometimes grandma or another relative. This is truly an UC circle, so I think it will be some time before the rest of society joins in. My daughters see that their friends’ needs all get met in different ways by different people and that is normal.

[Anonymous]

There are those of us that work for unicorn companies where we WFH 100% and have a work culture where it’s expected that you will log off multiple times a week to take care of family matters, self care, etc. When I say it’s expected, it’s literally expected. My skip level manager holds monthly checkins with each of us to make sure we’re all getting the support and balance we need.

I spent years looking for this. I would never give it up no matter how much my DH makes. And for the record, my company pays me a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone contributes to society, what's the difference between raising your children, caring for your parents and managing your household vs doing it for money as an employee?

For me it’s because once kids were in school there was not much “raising kids/caring for parents/managing household “ to do.

I’m always surprised when people say this. I don’t think that my day to day changed that much when my youngest went to school. I just didn’t have my little buddy with me anymore.

I guess I don’t go to the zoo as much, but it’s not like I was spending hours a day playing CandyLand with a four year old before he went to school.

You don't think your day to day changed when you arent responsible for a human for most of the day? That's a huge difference to me!

I’m still ultimately responsible for all of my kids every day.
But yeah, it isn’t that different.
Now I go go book club on Thursday mornings on my own. I don’t have to bring stickers.
When I fold laundry, I listen to an audiobook instead of his little stories, and I have to match the socks myself.
I usually make dinner on my own without my little helper. (There’s too much going on after school to cook then.).

I mostly kind of miss him.

Sounds like you don’t do much of anything.

She cooks and cleans and takes care of her children after school. That’s plenty.

DP here. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I basically have 5 hours from last kid drop off to first kid ending school. I work out, shower, run errands, cook, clean up, etc. There isn’t that much time left. I do meet up with a friend for lunch or go to the spa but it is like once per week.

Your time management skills are severely lacking. I guess it's good you don't have to work because it doesn't sound like you'd make it through a day.

So much hate! How do you know that her time management skills are lacking?

You’d put all three kids in the same school, right? Because you’re so brilliant, yeah? That actually sounds lazy to me. Maybe she’s chosen to make her life a little more difficult to put each kid at the best place for that child. She’s doing it because she can and she wants the best fit for all three.

For a third party like me, it’s obvious that you are seething with jealousy that you do not have the resources to send your kids to three different schools.

No it's pretty obvious she has 5 hours a day, but can't get anything done. Poor time management is most likely it. I say that as SAHM . I see many other SAHM claim it's just so hard and they don't have time for anything it almost always comes down to poor time management or undiagnosed depression and ADHD both of which have a time management component

What exactly am I not getting done? I have three kids and take care of them. I keep our house going. I am not saying I am doing anything more. I am planning a birthday party for one of my kids, spring break and summer.

I have plenty of time. What I don’t have time for is a full time job in my 5 hours the kids are at school. I like working out daily after kids are at school. I am not the type to wake up at 5am to work out before everyone wakes up. By the time I shower after exercise, clean up breakfast, it is already lunchtime. Then I have 2 hours before first kid gets out of school.

I am a fellow SAHM. I think it just boils down to phrasing. People get very prickly on here when you say you “can’t” work or “don’t have time.” Just say you could but choose not to and it works best for your family this way. Saying you don’t have time implies you think they are somehow short-changing someone and that is where they get defensive.

I agree with this. I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent. It’s fine if neither parent wants to stay at home, but there are a lot of families who wish they could afford a sahp and make the difficult sacrifice to work and prioritize their family’s financial well being. When a sahp claims they wouldn’t have time to work, that’s ridiculous and is a jab at the people who do everything you do to run a home and life, but also work full time. We all have the same number of hours in the day. You either don’t have to work or choose not to.

I actual think most families don’t function better with a SAHM.

I think that really bothers some SAHM’s to know some women work and run their house better/same and see their kids just as much,

This seems like kind of a weird thing to say.

I work in mental health. I’m a working mom, and my family functions better than a lot of my patients who grew up in very dysfunctional families and are dealing with mental illness. But I don’t say that. What would that accomplish besides you being kind of an ash hole?

People are doing the best they can. It isn’t a competition. You can say the pros and cons of your own situation without putting down someone else.

It's interesting you decided to respond to that post instead of the one that says "I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent".

Could you explain why you were compelled to respond to the post you responded to instead of the one it was addressing?

Yes. The one saying that many families would function better with a SAHP is referring to that person’s opinion of a before and after of the same family. You can agree or disagree and decide whether it’s really true for you. It’s kind of like saying, “I think that people look more attractive when they dye their hair blonde.”

The other one is making a comparison between families. Most of the back and forth here is people saying some version of, “well, actually I like my hair brown, blue, purple, etc, and this is why…”.
This poster seemed to agree that life is easier with a SAHP, but then went on to say that she was still a better parent with that handicap. Kind of like saying, “I think that really bothers some blondes to know that there are women who don’t dye their hair and are just as beautiful if not more so.”

No she refers to families she does not know and says those families who work would function better if they stayed at home.

If she said my family functions better with me at home… cool beans.

She’s actually making a judgement on working families and saying they don’t function well and they would function better if the wife didn’t work.

She’s wrong. I pointed out that her assertion that working families would run better with a SAHP is based in fantasy, and is a judgement.

But your response tells me more about you than you probably cared to share. Tsk!

What does my post tell you about me?

You’ll twist yourself in pretzels to find an angle that you think supports your biased opinion but highlights your bias but you’re too stubborn to admit it.

You can’t argue your way out of a bag but you’ll argue about anything .

You’re probably ADD which is why you kissed the obvious.

I’m also not the first person that told you this.

Are you the same person from earlier in this thread with all of the alcoholic SAHM friends?

[Anonymous]

Np. Didn't read the whole thread.

I work because I love my job, get intellectual stimulation and social interaction with likeminded peers, and find meaning and purpose in my work.

I like having my world be wider than just my family. I feel lucky that I can balance both, mostly thanks to my short commute and flexible/remote work. I really do feel like I have it all.

[Anonymous]

You all should channel Don Draper and regarding other mothers “not think about them at all.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

YES to this. +1000
I think that the women who hate this explanation have little gratitude for the sacrifices that women made and still make to ensure that girls and women are given the same opportunities as boys and men. I'm a tenured professor in a heavily male-dominated field, and every year I make a commitment to stay in academia even though DH makes several million a year, and I don't need to work for the money. Are there some years when I think, OK, I've had enough stress and enough BS, I want to quit and tend to my family and home? Of course. I actually enjoy doing "mom" stuff and decorating and gardening. I make the choice to work not because I got bored of SAH or my kids and family "need" me to cook, clean, etc. Whenever women drop out of academia so that they can better support their men, it is a loss for future generations of girls and women. This is why getting women promoted in academia remains an uphill battle. Universities are reluctant to invest in women if they're not in it for the long haul.
I am, too, so disappointed in the women I know, some of whom who have multiple graduate degrees, who choose to SAH even when they clearly have enough disposable income to outsource help, even when their kids are in middle school or high school or even college, even when they claim to espouse liberal or progressive values. If a parent's example is the most signifiant way in which we pass on our values to our children, then highly-educated, wealthy mothers are, in fact, sending a message to their daughters that the best life to choose, if given the option, is one in which your man is your plan and that a woman's education is nice, but not necessary.

Beautifully said. As someone in the target audience for OP’s original inquiry, I share this sense of disappointment and am motivated to continue to work in part because I don’t want to be a disappointment myself. I appreciate that some people stay home for financial or personal or family health or other completely valid reasons. And also that we need a complete upheaval of our workforce so that everyone (men and women alike) in EQUAL measure cuts back when they have kids, and balances it all in a healthier way. And I so badly want to respect when a couple decides that one spouse should leave the workforce to focus on family.

But. But until it is a toss-up which spouse it will be to SAH, I am going to feel a sense of disappointment and anger toward women who SAH not because of any need but because of personal want. I feel strongest about this and most disappointed with my highly educated and financially stable friends, because those are the ones I have watched leave right before their careers could have skyrocketed to places where they would finally be in a position to change corporate and institutional culture for the better. To make things better for our daughters and also for the women forced out of the workplace because of lack of fair wages, no childcare support, etc. Those of you who think this is misogynism or the rants of workaholics are completely missing the point - the goal is not that everyone should be working nonstop, or even that everyone should be working. The goal is to get enough women to stay in the workforce that the workforce has to change to accommodate the magnitude of us (and I don’t just mean numbers). Because it is not going to change with men in charge. It’s just not.

I like my job, but I also view it sort of like reducing your carbon footprint. It’s definitely not the easiest and most convenient route, nor is it what I would choose to do in a vacuum, but we don’t live in a vacuum, we have children who both watch and are systemically impacted by our decisions, and we do it for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

YES to this. +1000
I think that the women who hate this explanation have little gratitude for the sacrifices that women made and still make to ensure that girls and women are given the same opportunities as boys and men. I'm a tenured professor in a heavily male-dominated field, and every year I make a commitment to stay in academia even though DH makes several million a year, and I don't need to work for the money. Are there some years when I think, OK, I've had enough stress and enough BS, I want to quit and tend to my family and home? Of course. I actually enjoy doing "mom" stuff and decorating and gardening. I make the choice to work not because I got bored of SAH or my kids and family "need" me to cook, clean, etc. Whenever women drop out of academia so that they can better support their men, it is a loss for future generations of girls and women. This is why getting women promoted in academia remains an uphill battle. Universities are reluctant to invest in women if they're not in it for the long haul.
I am, too, so disappointed in the women I know, some of whom who have multiple graduate degrees, who choose to SAH even when they clearly have enough disposable income to outsource help, even when their kids are in middle school or high school or even college, even when they claim to espouse liberal or progressive values. If a parent's example is the most signifiant way in which we pass on our values to our children, then highly-educated, wealthy mothers are, in fact, sending a message to their daughters that the best life to choose, if given the option, is one in which your man is your plan and that a woman's education is nice, but not necessary.

Beautifully said. As someone in the target audience for OP’s original inquiry, I share this sense of disappointment and am motivated to continue to work in part because I don’t want to be a disappointment myself. I appreciate that some people stay home for financial or personal or family health or other completely valid reasons. And also that we need a complete upheaval of our workforce so that everyone (men and women alike) in EQUAL measure cuts back when they have kids, and balances it all in a healthier way. And I so badly want to respect when a couple decides that one spouse should leave the workforce to focus on family.

But. But until it is a toss-up which spouse it will be to SAH, I am going to feel a sense of disappointment and anger toward women who SAH not because of any need but because of personal want. I feel strongest about this and most disappointed with my highly educated and financially stable friends, because those are the ones I have watched leave right before their careers could have skyrocketed to places where they would finally be in a position to change corporate and institutional culture for the better. To make things better for our daughters and also for the women forced out of the workplace because of lack of fair wages, no childcare support, etc. Those of you who think this is misogynism or the rants of workaholics are completely missing the point - the goal is not that everyone should be working nonstop, or even that everyone should be working. The goal is to get enough women to stay in the workforce that the workforce has to change to accommodate the magnitude of us (and I don’t just mean numbers). Because it is not going to change with men in charge. It’s just not.

I like my job, but I also view it sort of like reducing your carbon footprint. It’s definitely not the easiest and most convenient route, nor is it what I would choose to do in a vacuum, but we don’t live in a vacuum, we have children who both watch and are systemically impacted by our decisions, and we do it for them.

I mean, that’s nice and all but I just wanted to hold my babies all day and have awesome summers and school breaks with my older kids. I could have paid someone else to do that, but I wanted to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

YES to this. +1000
I think that the women who hate this explanation have little gratitude for the sacrifices that women made and still make to ensure that girls and women are given the same opportunities as boys and men. I'm a tenured professor in a heavily male-dominated field, and every year I make a commitment to stay in academia even though DH makes several million a year, and I don't need to work for the money. Are there some years when I think, OK, I've had enough stress and enough BS, I want to quit and tend to my family and home? Of course. I actually enjoy doing "mom" stuff and decorating and gardening. I make the choice to work not because I got bored of SAH or my kids and family "need" me to cook, clean, etc. Whenever women drop out of academia so that they can better support their men, it is a loss for future generations of girls and women. This is why getting women promoted in academia remains an uphill battle. Universities are reluctant to invest in women if they're not in it for the long haul.
I am, too, so disappointed in the women I know, some of whom who have multiple graduate degrees, who choose to SAH even when they clearly have enough disposable income to outsource help, even when their kids are in middle school or high school or even college, even when they claim to espouse liberal or progressive values. If a parent's example is the most signifiant way in which we pass on our values to our children, then highly-educated, wealthy mothers are, in fact, sending a message to their daughters that the best life to choose, if given the option, is one in which your man is your plan and that a woman's education is nice, but not necessary.

Beautifully said. As someone in the target audience for OP’s original inquiry, I share this sense of disappointment and am motivated to continue to work in part because I don’t want to be a disappointment myself. I appreciate that some people stay home for financial or personal or family health or other completely valid reasons. And also that we need a complete upheaval of our workforce so that everyone (men and women alike) in EQUAL measure cuts back when they have kids, and balances it all in a healthier way. And I so badly want to respect when a couple decides that one spouse should leave the workforce to focus on family.

But. But until it is a toss-up which spouse it will be to SAH, I am going to feel a sense of disappointment and anger toward women who SAH not because of any need but because of personal want. I feel strongest about this and most disappointed with my highly educated and financially stable friends, because those are the ones I have watched leave right before their careers could have skyrocketed to places where they would finally be in a position to change corporate and institutional culture for the better. To make things better for our daughters and also for the women forced out of the workplace because of lack of fair wages, no childcare support, etc. Those of you who think this is misogynism or the rants of workaholics are completely missing the point - the goal is not that everyone should be working nonstop, or even that everyone should be working. The goal is to get enough women to stay in the workforce that the workforce has to change to accommodate the magnitude of us (and I don’t just mean numbers). Because it is not going to change with men in charge. It’s just not.

I like my job, but I also view it sort of like reducing your carbon footprint. It’s definitely not the easiest and most convenient route, nor is it what I would choose to do in a vacuum, but we don’t live in a vacuum, we have children who both watch and are systemically impacted by our decisions, and we do it for them.

Wow thank you for this. All three of you PPs. These are exactly my thoughts but I’ve never been able to articulate them like you do (non native speaker). This is feminism. So proud to be a working woman.

[Anonymous]

I mean, that’s nice and all but I just wanted to hold my babies all day and have awesome summers and school breaks with my older kids. I could have paid someone else to do that, but I wanted to do it.

Right. So you put those wants first. And the point is that that decision — multiplied millions and millions of times — has an enormous impact on the world. But enjoy the pool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

YES to this. +1000
I think that the women who hate this explanation have little gratitude for the sacrifices that women made and still make to ensure that girls and women are given the same opportunities as boys and men. I'm a tenured professor in a heavily male-dominated field, and every year I make a commitment to stay in academia even though DH makes several million a year, and I don't need to work for the money. Are there some years when I think, OK, I've had enough stress and enough BS, I want to quit and tend to my family and home? Of course. I actually enjoy doing "mom" stuff and decorating and gardening. I make the choice to work not because I got bored of SAH or my kids and family "need" me to cook, clean, etc. Whenever women drop out of academia so that they can better support their men, it is a loss for future generations of girls and women. This is why getting women promoted in academia remains an uphill battle. Universities are reluctant to invest in women if they're not in it for the long haul.
I am, too, so disappointed in the women I know, some of whom who have multiple graduate degrees, who choose to SAH even when they clearly have enough disposable income to outsource help, even when their kids are in middle school or high school or even college, even when they claim to espouse liberal or progressive values. If a parent's example is the most signifiant way in which we pass on our values to our children, then highly-educated, wealthy mothers are, in fact, sending a message to their daughters that the best life to choose, if given the option, is one in which your man is your plan and that a woman's education is nice, but not necessary.

Beautifully said. As someone in the target audience for OP’s original inquiry, I share this sense of disappointment and am motivated to continue to work in part because I don’t want to be a disappointment myself. I appreciate that some people stay home for financial or personal or family health or other completely valid reasons. And also that we need a complete upheaval of our workforce so that everyone (men and women alike) in EQUAL measure cuts back when they have kids, and balances it all in a healthier way. And I so badly want to respect when a couple decides that one spouse should leave the workforce to focus on family.

But. But until it is a toss-up which spouse it will be to SAH, I am going to feel a sense of disappointment and anger toward women who SAH not because of any need but because of personal want. I feel strongest about this and most disappointed with my highly educated and financially stable friends, because those are the ones I have watched leave right before their careers could have skyrocketed to places where they would finally be in a position to change corporate and institutional culture for the better. To make things better for our daughters and also for the women forced out of the workplace because of lack of fair wages, no childcare support, etc. Those of you who think this is misogynism or the rants of workaholics are completely missing the point - the goal is not that everyone should be working nonstop, or even that everyone should be working. The goal is to get enough women to stay in the workforce that the workforce has to change to accommodate the magnitude of us (and I don’t just mean numbers). Because it is not going to change with men in charge. It’s just not.

I like my job, but I also view it sort of like reducing your carbon footprint. It’s definitely not the easiest and most convenient route, nor is it what I would choose to do in a vacuum, but we don’t live in a vacuum, we have children who both watch and are systemically impacted by our decisions, and we do it for them.

I mean, that’s nice and all but I just wanted to hold my babies all day and have awesome summers and school breaks with my older kids. I could have paid someone else to do that, but I wanted to do it.

No one fucking cares.