my grandma passed away and I feel like I never knew her

[Anonymous]

I don't know where to begin. My grandmother passed away and we were close, but toward the end of her life she constantly criticized me. I graduated during the recession and couldn't find a job in my field and struggled financially. She would always tell me I needed a college education and she knew money was tight for me, but would say, "Well can't you take out loans?" My grandpa took care of her and she lived like a queen all of her adult life. THey had a big house that was paid off, drove expensive cars, she didn't work and they also took expensive vacations and he would fly her there in his own plane that he flew himself. Her hobby was shopping. I didn't realize until after she died that she was a hoarder of designer clothes, shoes, and handbags. I found tons of stuff with the pricetags still on them even from the present to 20 years ago. I'm talking hundreds of ferragamo shoes, Gucci & Bottega handbags, tons of expensive designer clothing, you get the pic.

My dad was an only child and has been a lousy dad for all of my life. His second wife is a nightmare and has made our lives hell. My whole family is very in denial. They brush important issues under the rug. My dad was very spoiled growing up and always placed on a pedestal by his parents. He could do no wrong in their eyes (he was arrested for drinking in college, totaled their new car, etc but this was never talked about and they still acted like he was perfect). He would dump me at my grandparents house on the every other weekend when I would go to his house growing up. His wife clearly didn't want me there.

Well, it turns out grandma was a multi millionaire. She would criticize me for not having a high paying job or being able to make ends meet when she never had to work or worry about money at all. I paid my way through college, yet her son had his entire way paid through college by his parents. I found hoards of designer handbags with cash still stuffed in the purses from 20+ years ago. My dad inherited everything. I loved my grandma, but as I cleaned through her hoarded (and huge) home, feelings of resentment and anger started to creep in and I can't let go of those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Just because someone is family does make them any less likely to be an asshole or hipocrit. Considering the way your Dad treated you, it's not surprising his Mom was the same. That said, you weren't entitled to her money just like she had no entitlement to judge you.

I get you, I graduated in the same environment. Most of our parents or even older siblings don't get it. Hold you heard high, take what you inherit and find better people that you call friends/family.

[Anonymous]

Well I did inherit some money. Just nothing in comparison to what my dad got. That's not really the point of my post though. I feel like her whole life, my grandma acted one way but that really wasn't the true story. She would even press on about needing to be frugal and not going out to eat, watching your spending, etc. But it was nothing for her to go into Neiman Marcus and drop 2000+ on a handbag and that was in the 80s and 90s! (I know this now, but didn't all of her life).

I'm adopted. My sister (my dad's biological daughter) had her college education paid for at an expensive private uni, had cars bought for her, etc. I didn't get any of that, assuming because I'm adopted. I was always close to my grandma, at least I thought I was. Now I just feel like she was someone I didn't really know.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry, op. A dysfunctional family history is a hard thing to live with. I'm sure it's a lot to take in and try to make sense of. The best thing you can do is break the chain and create a better and more sensible life for yourself and whatever children you may have.

If you haven't tried it yet, I might recommend some therapy to deal with your father's abandonment. It's interesting that your thread title says you feel like you never knew your grandmother, but from reading your post, I got the sense you have some frustration that really it's that your grandmother didn't know you - she didn't understand your sense of loss or your struggles to reach adulthood without financial support.

I think there's a good bit to unpack in all this, and therapy may be a good setting for it.

[Anonymous]

And I forgot to reply to something else you wrote. You are so right about that -- our parents and older siblings don't have a clue what it was like to graduate in that environment. It's been a rough uphill battle for me. They don't get it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry, op. A dysfunctional family history is a hard thing to live with. I'm sure it's a lot to take in and try to make sense of. The best thing you can do is break the chain and create a better and more sensible life for yourself and whatever children you may have.

If you haven't tried it yet, I might recommend some therapy to deal with your father's abandonment. It's interesting that your thread title says you feel like you never knew your grandmother, but from reading your post, I got the sense you have some frustration that really it's that your grandmother didn't know you - she didn't understand your sense of loss or your struggles to reach adulthood without financial support.

I think there's a good bit to unpack in all this, and therapy may be a good setting for it.

Thank you for your reply. I am open to therapy. I have tried it in the past and had a slightly bad experience with therapist, but I'm willing to give it another shot. My dad has been a jerk this year and we haven't spoken in like 6 months now. He is everything he is because of his seriously spoiled upbringing by his parents. I loved my grandma, but I hate the way she raised my dad. Now that she is gone, it feels like all the dysfunction and lies are all out on the table in plain sight if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I think finding a therapist is like dating, it can take some trials to find the right one. I saw three. One was okay, one wasn't really good, and one changed my life - I doubt I'd be married with kids without her. Try again, and if it's not a fit, feel free to move on and try someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry, op. A dysfunctional family history is a hard thing to live with. I'm sure it's a lot to take in and try to make sense of. The best thing you can do is break the chain and create a better and more sensible life for yourself and whatever children you may have.

If you haven't tried it yet, I might recommend some therapy to deal with your father's abandonment. It's interesting that your thread title says you feel like you never knew your grandmother, but from reading your post, I got the sense you have some frustration that really it's that your grandmother didn't know you - she didn't understand your sense of loss or your struggles to reach adulthood without financial support.

I think there's a good bit to unpack in all this, and therapy may be a good setting for it.

Thank you for your reply. I am open to therapy. I have tried it in the past and had a slightly bad experience with therapist, but I'm willing to give it another shot. My dad has been a jerk this year and we haven't spoken in like 6 months now. He is everything he is because of his seriously spoiled upbringing by his parents. I loved my grandma, but I hate the way she raised my dad. Now that she is gone, it feels like all the dysfunction and lies are all out on the table in plain sight if that makes sense.

I think this is more about being adopted and feeling like you were treated as 'less than' than anything else. Maybe your grandma was trying to raise you differently because she saw how spoiling your dad worked out. I wouldn't be upset about forgiving him for wrecking the car in college - that was a really long time ago! I'm assuming there's some other reason why you say he was spoiled. At any rate, it sounds like your grandmother had some flaws that didn't come to light after her death, but don't we all? I also suggest therapy for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I understand except it was my mother who was a compulsive shopper and hoarded. This summer cleaned out her house which was full of clothes, shoes, and handbags going back to the 80s, with the tags still on them. And from the 90s-until now she didn't want my kids, her grandchildren, in her house. You bet I'm resentful. Trying therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry, op. A dysfunctional family history is a hard thing to live with. I'm sure it's a lot to take in and try to make sense of. The best thing you can do is break the chain and create a better and more sensible life for yourself and whatever children you may have.

If you haven't tried it yet, I might recommend some therapy to deal with your father's abandonment. It's interesting that your thread title says you feel like you never knew your grandmother, but from reading your post, I got the sense you have some frustration that really it's that your grandmother didn't know you - she didn't understand your sense of loss or your struggles to reach adulthood without financial support.

I think there's a good bit to unpack in all this, and therapy may be a good setting for it.

Thank you for your reply. I am open to therapy. I have tried it in the past and had a slightly bad experience with therapist, but I'm willing to give it another shot. My dad has been a jerk this year and we haven't spoken in like 6 months now. He is everything he is because of his seriously spoiled upbringing by his parents. I loved my grandma, but I hate the way she raised my dad. Now that she is gone, it feels like all the dysfunction and lies are all out on the table in plain sight if that makes sense.

I think this is more about being adopted and feeling like you were treated as 'less than' than anything else. Maybe your grandma was trying to raise you differently because she saw how spoiling your dad worked out. I wouldn't be upset about forgiving him for wrecking the car in college - that was a really long time ago! I'm assuming there's some other reason why you say he was spoiled. At any rate, it sounds like your grandmother had some flaws that didn't come to light after her death, but don't we all? I also suggest therapy for you. Good luck.

I agree with last pp. But maybe your grandmother didn't do as well financially in the last 15 years? You said her purses were from the 80s and 90s. Is it possible your sibling didn't do so well after they paid for everything and that's why you were treated differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand except it was my mother who was a compulsive shopper and hoarded. This summer cleaned out her house which was full of clothes, shoes, and handbags going back to the 80s, with the tags still on them. And from the 90s-until now she didn't want my kids, her grandchildren, in her house. You bet I'm resentful. Trying therapy.

I'm sorry you've been through it too but it also feels good to know there's someone out there who relates! I can't talk to my siblings about my anger and resentment I'm experiencing because everyone talks about our grandma like she was a saint. But I seem to know a different side of her. My grandma also hoarded food and kleenex (for some weird reason!). There were 5 fridge/freezers full of food that had gone bad and two huge pantries full of expired food. And over 150 boxes of kleenex! (wtf)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry, op. A dysfunctional family history is a hard thing to live with. I'm sure it's a lot to take in and try to make sense of. The best thing you can do is break the chain and create a better and more sensible life for yourself and whatever children you may have.

If you haven't tried it yet, I might recommend some therapy to deal with your father's abandonment. It's interesting that your thread title says you feel like you never knew your grandmother, but from reading your post, I got the sense you have some frustration that really it's that your grandmother didn't know you - she didn't understand your sense of loss or your struggles to reach adulthood without financial support.

I think there's a good bit to unpack in all this, and therapy may be a good setting for it.

Thank you for your reply. I am open to therapy. I have tried it in the past and had a slightly bad experience with therapist, but I'm willing to give it another shot. My dad has been a jerk this year and we haven't spoken in like 6 months now. He is everything he is because of his seriously spoiled upbringing by his parents. I loved my grandma, but I hate the way she raised my dad. Now that she is gone, it feels like all the dysfunction and lies are all out on the table in plain sight if that makes sense.

I think this is more about being adopted and feeling like you were treated as 'less than' than anything else. Maybe your grandma was trying to raise you differently because she saw how spoiling your dad worked out. I wouldn't be upset about forgiving him for wrecking the car in college - that was a really long time ago! I'm assuming there's some other reason why you say he was spoiled. At any rate, it sounds like your grandmother had some flaws that didn't come to light after her death, but don't we all? I also suggest therapy for you. Good luck.

I agree with last pp. But maybe your grandmother didn't do as well financially in the last 15 years? You said her purses were from the 80s and 90s. Is it possible your sibling didn't do so well after they paid for everything and that's why you were treated differently?

The bulk of the handbags were from the 90s, but I'm just guessing. They are handbags that are so expensive that they they would still be in fashion today (Bottega veneta, chanel, etc).

She still shopped a lot up to probably 2012 or so. The last 5 years she didn't shop as much due to health reasons. Still died with multi millions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think finding a therapist is like dating, it can take some trials to find the right one. I saw three. One was okay, one wasn't really good, and one changed my life - I doubt I'd be married with kids without her. Try again, and if it's not a fit, feel free to move on and try someone else.

This. Interview several until you find a good fit.

OP, I'm sorry your family treated you inequitably compared to your sibling. That is deeply unfair and it's OK to feel sad and angry.

[Anonymous]

So people aren't perfect, your grandmother wasn't perfect. And as people age you can not hold them to a rational standard - - they may not be rational.

[Anonymous]

It was her money. Not yours. How does that take away from her encouraging you to earn your own money? Maybe she realized too late that her son was spoiled and never worked hard because of it. Maybe your dad asked her to not help you to make you a stronger person. What doeshow much money she have change her as the person you knew?