I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been together for 12 years and while we never had a perfect marriage and there have been ups and downs we have always been pretty happy. However since having our baby over a year ago I feel like it ruined our marriage. We fight constantly and it seems the only thing we agree on is that we both love our child. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?

[Anonymous]

How old is your baby? This is a pretty common phenomenon. Eventually your baby isn't a baby anymore and isn't so much work. If the baby is 5 and you still feel this way, then you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

14 months.

[Anonymous]

My H and I had been together for almost twenty years when we had our son. And that first year was rough, especially since our son had many health issues. We had almost broken up a few years prior to our son's birth, and I truly think all the hard work we did rebuilding our relationship and the trust between us helped when going through that stressful first year.

It's very easy to create a competitive dynamic when the baby is around (you sleep more/I sleep less; I do more; you do less; etc) and I think it is key to talk through responsibilities as much as possible. Also maybe some counseling wouldn't hurt, to talk about stuff in front of a third party. If you're not into that, my H and I have a standing time for talks after our son goes to bed. In these talks we discuss things bothering us and how to tackle them together. And also talk about the good things going on, because it's easy to only focus on the bad stuff.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Having a baby ruins every marriage. The old, childless marriage is over. Now you have to make a new marriage.

Have you tried therapy?

[Anonymous]

Children are expensive and time-consuming and they often come with lots of stress and lost sleep for the first year. They also introduce a huge new category where you need to agree (parenting style). The final cherry on top if that they typically come with a huge drop in your sex life, often starting during pregnancy and then during the postpartum period and sometimes even longer if you breastfeed and your drive takes a hit. This means that you have more things to fight about (shared responsibilities, parenting choices and money) and fewer ways to reconnect (sex, time together) and everyone is just more tired and stressed and therefore less patient and considerate. If there are any faults in the marriage, having a child reveals them. Get thee into therapy. Together if possible, alone if you must. This doesn't have to be the end of your marriage, but the longer you stay in this rut, the harder it will be to dig your way out.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there. Babies and toddlers often put a strain on marriages. I felt the brunt of the child care when DD was born. We are 2 1/2 years into it and I can see the light of day on the horizon. I do not have my life where I want it to be but I am in no position to complain. My husband makes a great living that has afforded me to have a part time job doing what I love. I realize as my child get more self sufficient things will get easier. She does not play alone so we are 'on duty' when she is not sleeping or with her nanny. I have had a lot of fun with her but she is still highly dependent on us for her care, comfort and amusement. I never want to wish time away but I look forward to dating my husband again and sleeping in. Life is cyclical and your baby will be school age before you know it. Fight for your relationship if you love your husband, don't forget to talk to each other every day about work or current events or something funny, etc... and try do things you like to do together before baby.

[Anonymous]

I have suggested counseling and I'm in counseling myself right now for postpartum mood issues. My birth was traumatic and I'm dealing with health issues as a result which has made this all the more difficult. I have brought it up but DH says the only problem is me and i just need to fix myself. He refuses to acknowledge that he plays an equal role in our relationship problems which is why I don't know how we move past this.

[Anonymous]

I have been married for 18 years. No one would have been happier than me if my husband met a quick and painless death when our child was NB to about age 4. Don't have a second child.

[Anonymous]

Having a baby doesn't ruin your marriage, but it will certainly show you the cracks in it. All of the selfishness and lack of consideration that you could gloss over before because it wasn't a big deal suddenly comes out in spades when there's more being demanded of both of you and you can't both just abdicate responsibility. If your baby was just a few months old I'd say be kind to each other and give yourselves time to adjust, but after 14 months, I'd recommend marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 18 years. No one would have been happier than me if my husband met a quick and painless death when our child was NB to about age 4. Don't have a second child.

Are you happy now? Has your marriage improved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have suggested counseling and I'm in counseling myself right now for postpartum mood issues. My birth was traumatic and I'm dealing with health issues as a result which has made this all the more difficult. I have brought it up but DH says the only problem is me and i just need to fix myself. He refuses to acknowledge that he plays an equal role in our relationship problems which is why I don't know how we move past this.

For now, keep going on your own. Work on your own side of it and see what happens. Assuming things don't change (or at least not enough), then you can come back to him and point out that you've been counseling for X amount of time and things aren't getting better, so maybe it really is a marriage issue you both need to address together. If he still refuses, then you'll have some bigger decisions to make, but at least you'll have the support of your therapist to help you make them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a baby doesn't ruin your marriage, but it will certainly show you the cracks in it. All of the selfishness and lack of consideration that you could gloss over before because it wasn't a big deal suddenly comes out in spades when there's more being demanded of both of you and you can't both just abdicate responsibility. If your baby was just a few months old I'd say be kind to each other and give yourselves time to adjust, but after 14 months, I'd recommend marriage counseling.

I agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a baby doesn't ruin your marriage, but it will certainly show you the cracks in it. All of the selfishness and lack of consideration that you could gloss over before because it wasn't a big deal suddenly comes out in spades when there's more being demanded of both of you and you can't both just abdicate responsibility. If your baby was just a few months old I'd say be kind to each other and give yourselves time to adjust, but after 14 months, I'd recommend marriage counseling.

I agree with all of this.

What would you guys say is the cut off for being kind or going to counseling, 3 months? 6 months? A year? I'm a PP and also having issues but I'm not Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have suggested counseling and I'm in counseling myself right now for postpartum mood issues. My birth was traumatic and I'm dealing with health issues as a result which has made this all the more difficult. I have brought it up but DH says the only problem is me and i just need to fix myself. He refuses to acknowledge that he plays an equal role in our relationship problems which is why I don't know how we move past this.

ITs. OT the child in your case. Having thexhild resulted in health problems for you and your husband is not dealing with those well. That reaction would have happened if the health problems showed up for another reason. I'm so sorry. Your dh can't say it's all your fault. Work though your therapist how to address this and stand up for yourself and tell your husband your needs. Good luck. Enjoy your child as much as you can.