I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Known, proven fact. Married folks, especially the wife, is much less happy post-kids.

It's an interesting fact and statistically true while parenting but then you measure people's contentedness late in life and those with kids score higher. Kids aren't going to make you happy but they make life more meaningful. Like anything, you derive meaning from effort and love

Who says they make life more meaningful? Contented Ness and meaning are different things. Maybe they are more content later in life because their point of comparison is 18 years of beING unhappy.

I actually think it would be better for all people -- those with and without children -- if we stopped sugh eating the only way a person can have meaning is through kids. It's actually what fuels the mommy martyrdom and that in turn leads to situations like OP has. If we stopped with this, then maybe people would be more practical and honest about sorting out logistics, division of labor, and maintaining a sense of self when they embark on having kids as a couple.

Not sure where you're getting the OP was pressured into something she didn't want. Maybe your kids haven't added meaning to your life but mine sure have to my life. Speak for yourself and don't overreact when others disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 12 years and while we never had a perfect marriage and there have been ups and downs we have always been pretty happy. However since having our baby over a year ago I feel like it ruined our marriage. We fight constantly and it seems the only thing we agree on is that we both love our child. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?

Did you talk about life after a baby before having one? Did you stop working? Did you start treating him like an idiot (see this quite often, DW always saying don't do it like that no matter what DH does)? You either go into with a plan to be a team, or you have issues. Particularly if the wife is overly critical

Non-perfect marriage, yep a baby is the right way to go. It always makes non-perfect worse.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't have another kid!

Your H probably can't handle sharing your attention. Men are weak like that.

Some men are weak like that. Possibly yours. But not all.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the frustration you are feeling OP. Marriage and children are both challenging and take much sacrifice. Has anything that has been suggested here on this thread been useful/helpful to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you don't have much sex? It amazes me how many times I witness this story: baby arrives, new mom loses sex drive, marriage decays. Sometimes this story continues on towards cheating or divorce. The good news is there is an easy, obvious fix that costs $0.

Yeah, duh, DH should be picking up a lot of the slack around the house & with kids so she had energy for date night time - but oh wait, now DH doesn't have the energy. Hmmmm. What to do now? Divorce, right? Because this is totally unacceptable and unnatural

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 11 years when Dd was born.We never had a fight (honestly), but later I realized that I had really babied him a lot. So when Dd was born, I shifted a lot of my attention, affection and energy to her. He was very hurt and actually jealous of our baby, but he could not express this and he was actually getting very depressed. I got very depressed and went to a therapist (he wouldn't go for marriage counseling because he didn't think anything was wrong). As I was talking to her, I mentioned that he had accused me of cheating on him because I was taking my Dd to playgroups (he actually said , "how do I know you are not going to a hotel and meeting someone? I said "yeah and I'm bringing the baby to watch". ) She said "how do you know he's not cheating on you?" Never crossed my mind. Well, I got so pissed it snapped me out of my depression. I couldn't wait to get home and I told him, "therapist thinks you are cheating on me. WTF?" He was totally shocked. That's when I realized he was actually worried about losing me and his feelings that he was not wanted anymore. This was a turning point- I explained the baby was always needy (like all babies) and I was tired and stressed, but I would make more of an effort to pay more attention to him and make him feel very loved. Maybe your DH is going through similar feelings (I only have one- didn't want to go through that period again)

Ugh, I am sorry you only got to have one child because you married a man child. Disgusting.

You are a harpy shrew. Geez lady, sometimes people need time to adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you don't have much sex? It amazes me how many times I witness this story: baby arrives, new mom loses sex drive, marriage decays. Sometimes this story continues on towards cheating or divorce. The good news is there is an easy, obvious fix that costs $0.

Yeah, duh, DH should be picking up a lot of the slack around the house & with kids so she had energy for date night time - but oh wait, now DH doesn't have the energy. Hmmmm. What to do now? Divorce, right? Because this is totally unacceptable and unnatural

Project much?
Who says DH isn't already picking up his fair share of slack?
Yes, it is totally unacceptable to be married and not have sex.
Seriously you don't know what to do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Known, proven fact. Married folks, especially the wife, is much less happy post-kids.

It's an interesting fact and statistically true while parenting but then you measure people's contentedness late in life and those with kids score higher. Kids aren't going to make you happy but they make life more meaningful. Like anything, you derive meaning from effort and love

Who says they make life more meaningful? Contented Ness and meaning are different things. Maybe they are more content later in life because their point of comparison is 18 years of beING unhappy.

I actually think it would be better for all people -- those with and without children -- if we stopped sugh eating the only way a person can have meaning is through kids. It's actually what fuels the mommy martyrdom and that in turn leads to situations like OP has. If we stopped with this, then maybe people would be more practical and honest about sorting out logistics, division of labor, and maintaining a sense of self when they embark on having kids as a couple.

I 100% agree with this.

[Anonymous]

First year after having a baby is extremely tough on any marriage. What exactly are "your problems," per your DH? What health issues are you facing? Having a baby is plenty of hard work and stress and adding health issues? Who is the primary care taker of your baby?
Don't do anything rash and get a divorce, I remember when my DS was not even a year old, I actually went to get a ticket to fly back home( we were living overseas). We are just about the happiest couple you could meet now and have been for a long time.
The thing I recommend to new moms is not to be high strung, maybe you are not, but so many are and only later your realize that it was stupid and insane.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I re read the update where DS is "eating up every last iota of" well anything" Is that your post OP?
Honestly, I was trying to give productive advice above, but if this is OP, all I am reading is that your and your DH were a single couple who was happy with their "all about me lifestyle," and are now unhappy not to be the center of attention any more. Guess what? That is what being a parent means. Somebody is more important than you needs and your wants. Many older parents have this trouble, they put their "loved and cherished kid" in a day care so they can continue their single life style. You are too set in your ways and unwilling to change. If this is OP, or whomever this pp is, you sound selfish as heck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 18 years. No one would have been happier than me if my husband met a quick and painless death when our child was NB to about age 4. Don't have a second child.

I needed a laugh today and this provided it. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

What you're experiencing is very common. It's just, out of loyalty to the marriage, people rarely talk about it, so when it's happening to you it feels strange and unprecedented.

The first year of a child's life and the sleep deprivation and all the changes that happen are hugely trying and stressful for a marriage. If there are postpartum mood issues, it becomes even more challenging. And, if people have any issues with their own family of origin, having children and creating a new family often brings up those long-ago issues that you might have thought were resolved or irrelevant to adult life.

I wish I had gone to marriage therapy with my husband when we had issues after #1 but instead I waited until after #2 when we had really hit the pits and our marriage had suffered a lot of damage to trust. I would really encourage you to interview a few therapists and find one you and your spouse both like and go. It can be very helpful.Going to counseling doesn't mean your marriage is going to end. It just means you are getting some outside insight into your dynamics from someone who has a lot of experience who can help you guys navigate this stuff.

I will say though that our marriage had, looking back, issues prior to kids that we just successfully ignored. When you're just two adults largely doing your own thing, you can do that. But once the two of you are forced to collaborate on something (your kid) that is hugely important and meaningful to you both, all those ignored issues can come to the surface. So does having a baby "ruin" a marriage? No, but it tests it. It's easy to say platitudes like "be nice to each other" or "just have sex" but the reality is that some of this stuff, issues with intimate relationships, really takes some thinking and work and having a professional --if it's a good one-- can really help.

[Anonymous]

PP here--just to say, we are now 4 years since the birth of our last child, and I would say our marriage is stronger than ever. But there were a couple years there when the level of conflict between us was unbelievable, and this was after nearly a decade of pre-kids marriage that had seemed pretty solid.

[Anonymous]

Be nice to each other
Just have sex.
Yes, it really is that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess: you don't have much sex? It amazes me how many times I witness this story: baby arrives, new mom loses sex drive, marriage decays. Sometimes this story continues on towards cheating or divorce. The good news is there is an easy, obvious fix that costs $0.

You forgot the step "husband continues to act like a single manchild while wife is the responsible adult". It goes right between "baby arrives" and "mom loses sex drive".