I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a baby doesn't ruin your marriage, but it will certainly show you the cracks in it. All of the selfishness and lack of consideration that you could gloss over before because it wasn't a big deal suddenly comes out in spades when there's more being demanded of both of you and you can't both just abdicate responsibility. If your baby was just a few months old I'd say be kind to each other and give yourselves time to adjust, but after 14 months, I'd recommend marriage counseling.

I agree with all of this.

What would you guys say is the cut off for being kind or going to counseling, 3 months? 6 months? A year? I'm a PP and also having issues but I'm not Op.

There's no hard and fast rule, but I think one good guide is whether your baby is old enough to be sleeping through the night. Lack of sleep is a huge stressor, so if your baby is too young to sleep through, cur yourselves some slack. If your baby is old enough to sleep through but doesn't, consider sleep training (of whatever variety works for you) to take that piece out of the picture and see how,you're doing then.

Along with that, consider whether you two could talk about it and acknowledge that this is a tough stretch and you're not being your best to each other, but that it should get better once the baby gets a little older. If you can have that conversation and no one gets mad at each other, that's a good sign. If you can't have that conversation without one or both of you getting mad, or if you're afraid to have it at all, that's a sign to get some help.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the advice. I should add that DS is an awful sleeper and is still not STTN so we are both sleep deprived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the advice. I should add that DS is an awful sleeper and is still not STTN so we are both sleep deprived.

My experience is that sleep deprivation makes you angry and grumpy and just terrible to be around.

Wait until your child is older before you make any verdicts in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a baby doesn't ruin your marriage, but it will certainly show you the cracks in it. All of the selfishness and lack of consideration that you could gloss over before because it wasn't a big deal suddenly comes out in spades when there's more being demanded of both of you and you can't both just abdicate responsibility. If your baby was just a few months old I'd say be kind to each other and give yourselves time to adjust, but after 14 months, I'd recommend marriage counseling.

I agree with all of this.

What would you guys say is the cut off for being kind or going to counseling, 3 months? 6 months? A year? I'm a PP and also having issues but I'm not Op.

There's no hard and fast rule, but I think one good guide is whether your baby is old enough to be sleeping through the night. Lack of sleep is a huge stressor, so if your baby is too young to sleep through, cur yourselves some slack. If your baby is old enough to sleep through but doesn't, consider sleep training (of whatever variety works for you) to take that piece out of the picture and see how,you're doing then.

Along with that, consider whether you two could talk about it and acknowledge that this is a tough stretch and you're not being your best to each other, but that it should get better once the baby gets a little older. If you can have that conversation and no one gets mad at each other, that's a good sign. If you can't have that conversation without one or both of you getting mad, or if you're afraid to have it at all, that's a sign to get some help.

Agree with all of this with the caveat that if you have a SN kid, things may not settle after the kid starts STTN.

[Anonymous]

Married 11 years when Dd was born.We never had a fight (honestly), but later I realized that I had really babied him a lot. So when Dd was born, I shifted a lot of my attention, affection and energy to her. He was very hurt and actually jealous of our baby, but he could not express this and he was actually getting very depressed. I got very depressed and went to a therapist (he wouldn't go for marriage counseling because he didn't think anything was wrong). As I was talking to her, I mentioned that he had accused me of cheating on him because I was taking my Dd to playgroups (he actually said , "how do I know you are not going to a hotel and meeting someone? I said "yeah and I'm bringing the baby to watch". ) She said "how do you know he's not cheating on you?" Never crossed my mind. Well, I got so pissed it snapped me out of my depression. I couldn't wait to get home and I told him, "therapist thinks you are cheating on me. WTF?" He was totally shocked. That's when I realized he was actually worried about losing me and his feelings that he was not wanted anymore. This was a turning point- I explained the baby was always needy (like all babies) and I was tired and stressed, but I would make more of an effort to pay more attention to him and make him feel very loved. Maybe your DH is going through similar feelings (I only have one- didn't want to go through that period again)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have suggested counseling and I'm in counseling myself right now for postpartum mood issues. My birth was traumatic and I'm dealing with health issues as a result which has made this all the more difficult. I have brought it up but DH says the only problem is me and i just need to fix myself. He refuses to acknowledge that he plays an equal role in our relationship problems which is why I don't know how we move past this.

This was us. I was told all of the problems were my fault and he could do nothing differently. I left 10 months ago, DD is 5. It sucks a lot. But I was not allowed to be a person.

[Anonymous]

Don't have another kid!

Your H probably can't handle sharing your attention. Men are weak like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 12 years and while we never had a perfect marriage and there have been ups and downs we have always been pretty happy. However since having our baby over a year ago I feel like it ruined our marriage. We fight constantly and it seems the only thing we agree on is that we both love our child. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?

Doesn't sound like you love your child as you are laying the blame for your problems at his/her feet. Please get help now before you ruin an innocent life.

[Anonymous]

I guess it's all about perspective. Same sex couple who struggled through infertility before DS 1. He felt like a gift from God. Three losses later, DW is pregnant with our second and I feel like our marriage and sex life have never been stronger. Agree with those who say that babies are work. Once they start becoming real people it gets pretty fun.

[Anonymous]

Early childhood years were hell on my marriage. Just be kind to each other, carve out time for sleep and have sex even if you don't feel like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 12 years and while we never had a perfect marriage and there have been ups and downs we have always been pretty happy. However since having our baby over a year ago I feel like it ruined our marriage. We fight constantly and it seems the only thing we agree on is that we both love our child. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?

Doesn't sound like you love your child as you are laying the blame for your problems at his/her feet. Please get help now before you ruin an innocent life.

I don't think you are understanding me. This child could not be more loved and I am not blaming my innocent child for my marriage problems. I too struggled with infertility. It was a hard road to get pregnant for me and an extremely difficult birth. And between dealing with my postpartum mood issues, birth injuries, two full time jobs, etc. it's like DS eats up every last iota of goodwill, love, civility, patience, and energy that DH and I have and there's nothing left for each other let alone time for ourselves. He's been a lousy sleeper since birth so we don't even get to enjoy an hour or two together after he goes to bed because he is still waking up at least 2-3x per night. I just don't know how we get past the point where this needy human eats up all the energy we have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess it's all about perspective. Same sex couple who struggled through infertility before DS 1. He felt like a gift from God. Three losses later, DW is pregnant with our second and I feel like our marriage and sex life have never been stronger. Agree with those who say that babies are work. Once they start becoming real people it gets pretty fun.

I honestly think two women couples are the best at handling babies though because women in general are more nurturing and willing to be selfless and get their hands dirty. The disconnect is usually with couples where the man because a dad and expects to maintain a similar lifestyle to what he's always had and the woman is resentful.

[Anonymous]

My babies are working out great, but unfortunately I had to take the husband as well.

Oh well. We can't have it perfect, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess it's all about perspective. Same sex couple who struggled through infertility before DS 1. He felt like a gift from God. Three losses later, DW is pregnant with our second and I feel like our marriage and sex life have never been stronger. Agree with those who say that babies are work. Once they start becoming real people it gets pretty fun.

I honestly think two women couples are the best at handling babies though because women in general are more nurturing and willing to be selfless and get their hands dirty. The disconnect is usually with couples where the man because a dad and expects to maintain a similar lifestyle to what he's always had and the woman is resentful.

I don't think women are naturally more nurturing. I think it's been ingrained in them since birth that their highest actuality is to be a mother, so when they have a kid with a man, everyone thinks the mom should naturally want to do more. That's the root of a lot of issues.

But in a same-sex marriage of two women, the expectations aren't different for one spouse v. the other the way it is with man/woman pairings.

I'm sure there are still challenges (due to the stress and huge change that having a baby brings), but I think a couple is better positioned for parenting success if they don't have all of the societal baggage of unequal expectations for who does what.

[Anonymous]

Having children (I.e. a less simple life) can really magnify bad habits. Things like being a slob, losing things, generally unorganized, poor communication or time mgmt. That quickly affects your spouse and kids negatively and eventually teaches your kids the same lousy habits.

Each individual needs to get it together, especially by the time the second kid comes. Life is to simple work, eat, live in a smal apartment. It is truly time to grow up, others are counting on you (and for more than just a paycheck).