Not sure if I should be mad at my mother or son--or mad at all!

[Anonymous]

Here's my vent:

--Both of my kids have birthday coming up in the next few weeks.
--I took my kids out shopping for a friends birthday recently and, while we were there, looked at toys for them to get birthday/Christmas ideas.
--There were a few things they wanted, I said great but we are not buying any more toys until your birthday. They understood that.
--I was away for a two nights and my almost 7yo convinced my mother to take him to the store to go toy shopping. My parents are local so they see my kids ALL the time. This was not a special visit from grandma. And she is constantly buying them things. Usually it is little things or books or a toy car or something and as much as it makes me nuts, I have learned to let the little things go. But she is well aware of the fact that in a few weeks, we have two birthdays in the house. Not to mention Christmas right after.
--She lets my older son coerce her into buying a $30 toy that not only was I going to buy anyway for the birthdays but I was going to buy it for my younger son--it's a toy for 4-7 year olds that is WAY below DS1's level. Yet, my mother still buys it.
--This is not the first time that this has happened. I gave her a specific toy to buy him for Easter last year and he walks into the house with the same toy two weeks before Easter. I hit the roof.

I am frustrated with my son because he is being manipulative and we have had this conversation over and over again. And I told him no new toys until his birthday (and he knew I was going to bring him home a little gift from my business trip). I am frustrated with my mom because she knows better too--we have been through this before. I sent her a text saying, "please do not buy them anything more until their birthday--I already had that gift picked out for DS2". She apologized and said "but DS1 is so convincing". So, basically blamed her lack of self-control on a 6yo who manipulated her.

I've already told my son that I was disappointed in his behavior and he knows that I'm upset with him. He showed me the toy before we left for work and school.

Here's my question---What can I do to get my mother to stop this and not have to shower them with whatever they want when they ask? And if I can't control her, how do I raise my kids to not manipulate adults into getting what they want? I'm fine with the occasional surprise but this is CONSTANT--and always happens right around another gift-giving holiday. In fact, just two weeks ago, she gave him a gift that she had bought for his birthday but "couldn't wait". And then when I get mad, she still gets to be the hero and I'm the evil witch mother. She's damaging my relationship with my son because she can't control herself when I am just trying to raise him properly.

Vent over--but I really do appreciate advice.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like these incidents are happening when your mom babysits the kids. Don't let her babysit. "Since you say that you can't help but listen to DS instead of me, I know now that I can't trust you to care for him in a way I am comfortable with. You can see the kids when I am available to supervise."

Or: let it go. This is not going to be the thing that ruins your kids.

[Anonymous]

I'd be irritated with my mom in this case, but not super angry. And I think it's too much to ask for a 6-year-old not to ask for toys from a willing grandparent.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a little dramatic and you sound like a bit too much of a control freak. I get that it's annoying, but isn't part of the fun of being 6 talking your grandparents into buying things for you? I'm sure your mom loves to play that role and is "blaming" your kid only because you call her on it and she probably thinks you're nuts and just wants to be a fun grandma. She gives your kid a birthday present early because she can't wait? So what? That's sweet, not something that warrants anger.

So is it worth being mad over, IMO? No. If the number of toys is an issue, get rid of them/donate regularly.

[Anonymous]

Activities with grandmother no longer include trips to the store. Period.
You have to remove the temptation from both of them. At this point, it's a bad habit.
I know you are irritated with both, but probably will do smoothly to just quietly talk to your mom about it (perhaps sympathizing a bit about how "convincing" your kid can be) and just getting her to commit to that.
Then conversation with the kid. Actually not a conversation. More a very matter-of-fact declaration.
Then find a time when both are in the room together to reiterate. That way neither side can claim they "didn't understand" the new normal.

[Anonymous]

Also, why are you dictating what toys she buys for them? If she asks you for a wish list, that's one thing, but let her have some autonomy over it.

[Anonymous]

Can't stop your mom. But you can return excessive gifts or put them away for future. She can buy all she wants, but in your house you get to decide what your kid plays with.

However, you can control your kid. Take the toy away and never give it back. If your son is this manipulative now, you need to teach him some real consequences. The more smart-mouthed he gets, the fewer toys he gets. Even if that leaves him with a pile of rocks to play with.

[Anonymous]

You hit the roof because she got a toy for a child a few weeks early? What happens when you have an actual problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't stop your mom. But you can return excessive gifts or put them away for future. She can buy all she wants, but in your house you get to decide what your kid plays with.

However, you can control your kid. Take the toy away and never give it back. If your son is this manipulative now, you need to teach him some real consequences. The more smart-mouthed he gets, the fewer toys he gets. Even if that leaves him with a pile of rocks to play with.

Tell her she can buy the kids whatever she wants so long as she keeps them at her house. If she has a big house, fine, they'll have stuff to play with when you visit. If she thinks that's unreasonable, point out that it's just as unreasonable to have it at your place.

You can't stop her from buying gifts and I'm not really sure why you want to. I know you don't want your kids to be spoiled, and I get that. You probably also don't want an expectation created that every time they see grandma, they get gifts. But you can't change her. So work on your kids to make sure they are properly grateful.

[Anonymous]

I totally get you OP, but I think getting your mom, or kids, to
change is going to be more conflict than it's worth. In this case, your kid already knows you are disappointed so no more needs to be said. Your mom clearly loves the role of indulgent grandmother and I think you will be fighting a losing battle. I also get your annoyance with too many toys around the house. My suggestion is to change the type of gifts you give your kids. Make yours experience gifts- like going to the batting cage or a day at Dave and Busters, etc. That way you aren't constantly having worry about her buying things you had already planned on buying.

I guess I'm a little more lenient on this because my parents have passed away and my in-laws give my kids The crappiest gifts like going through her old jewelry box and sending them her broken and crappy costume jewelry- for my sons and my daughter or giving them a shit ton of used books from a garage sale that aren't even age appropriate. But that's a whole other thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't stop your mom. But you can return excessive gifts or put them away for future. She can buy all she wants, but in your house you get to decide what your kid plays with.

However, you can control your kid. Take the toy away and never give it back. If your son is this manipulative now, you need to teach him some real consequences. The more smart-mouthed he gets, the fewer toys he gets. Even if that leaves him with a pile of rocks to play with.

Tell her she can buy the kids whatever she wants so long as she keeps them at her house. If she has a big house, fine, they'll have stuff to play with when you visit. If she thinks that's unreasonable, point out that it's just as unreasonable to have it at your place.

You can't stop her from buying gifts and I'm not really sure why you want to. I know you don't want your kids to be spoiled, and I get that. You probably also don't want an expectation created that every time they see grandma, they get gifts. But you can't change her. So work on your kids to make sure they are properly grateful.

My mom does this. She buys the toy for one grandchild, but she keeps it at her house. All the kids play with it when they come over. She gets the joy of buying it for the kid whose excited, all the kids have a fun toy to play with when they go to her house (she has 6 local grandkids) and we don't have the clutter. Usually, the toy does end up at our house at some point, but the newness has worn off by then and we either use it or I get rid of it.

It's a good first step to stem the buying, since she will have to store the stuff. My mother does send cheap plastic stuff home with them sometimes, but she usually will say "oh sorry, I sent home some crap, you can toss that".

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really appreciate all of the advice and I do realize this is a first world problem. Believe me. When I think of kids who will never know their grandparents, I know that I am being a brat. But I knew all four of my grandparents and loved them without them showering me with gifts. That's part of the problem--I want them to love my mom for who she is (she's a great person, despite this issue) and not because they think she is an ATM machine. She obviously is not willing to teach them that lesson herself and they have grown to expect something from her each time she comes over. Because, she usually has something in her hands.

I would tell her to keep the toys at her house but she has TONS of toys at her house. Not just every single toy my brother and I had as a child but the hundreds of toys she buys at flea markets and junk stores. Her house is worse than mine.

And THAT, I think, is the real problem. Someone said I am a control freak and, yes, when it comes to clutter, I am. I hate it. And I have no issue throwing things away that I dont need or want. She is the opposite--she keeps or thinks she can re-purpose everything and refuses to get rid of things. To her, the more, the better. And she is turning my son into her. And, as a clutter freak, it makes me nuts. And she knows it. So, yes, it's a bit of a power issue but I just can't stand to have toys around that she bought for the sake of buying them. I try, I really do, but enough is enough.

When I texted her today, she said that the toy she bought was part of his birthday present. She does this all the time (she's done it twice now for this next birthday). But on birthday day, in she comes with 8-9 gifts. So, if I really thought she was being serious, I'd let it go. But she has no intention of making it a birthday gift. I've been through this before.

And as an aside, I told her I was going to get that gift for my younger son so she knew I was planning that. And bought it anyway, for the other child.

I also agree with the PP that said to focus on experience gifts--I much prefer that and try to do that as much as possible (we usually do a birthday trip to celebrate both). But because my mother has gotten them accustomed to so many gifts on birthdays and holidays, that is what they equate with love. And that, is a major part of my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Activities with grandmother no longer include trips to the store. Period.
You have to remove the temptation from both of them. At this point, it's a bad habit.
I know you are irritated with both, but probably will do smoothly to just quietly talk to your mom about it (perhaps sympathizing a bit about how "convincing" your kid can be) and just getting her to commit to that.
Then conversation with the kid. Actually not a conversation. More a very matter-of-fact declaration.
Then find a time when both are in the room together to reiterate. That way neither side can claim they "didn't understand" the new normal.

Yep. That's what I would do. Say that it is too much, and to prevent this thing, no taking him to stores.

And then to DS a lecture about not begging to his grandparents and that they won't be doing that anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate all of the advice and I do realize this is a first world problem. Believe me. When I think of kids who will never know their grandparents, I know that I am being a brat. But I knew all four of my grandparents and loved them without them showering me with gifts. That's part of the problem--I want them to love my mom for who she is (she's a great person, despite this issue) and not because they think she is an ATM machine. She obviously is not willing to teach them that lesson herself and they have grown to expect something from her each time she comes over. Because, she usually has something in her hands.

I would tell her to keep the toys at her house but she has TONS of toys at her house. Not just every single toy my brother and I had as a child but the hundreds of toys she buys at flea markets and junk stores. Her house is worse than mine.

And THAT, I think, is the real problem. Someone said I am a control freak and, yes, when it comes to clutter, I am. I hate it. And I have no issue throwing things away that I dont need or want. She is the opposite--she keeps or thinks she can re-purpose everything and refuses to get rid of things. To her, the more, the better. And she is turning my son into her. And, as a clutter freak, it makes me nuts. And she knows it. So, yes, it's a bit of a power issue but I just can't stand to have toys around that she bought for the sake of buying them. I try, I really do, but enough is enough.

When I texted her today, she said that the toy she bought was part of his birthday present. She does this all the time (she's done it twice now for this next birthday). But on birthday day, in she comes with 8-9 gifts. So, if I really thought she was being serious, I'd let it go. But she has no intention of making it a birthday gift. I've been through this before.

And as an aside, I told her I was going to get that gift for my younger son so she knew I was planning that. And bought it anyway, for the other child.

I also agree with the PP that said to focus on experience gifts--I much prefer that and try to do that as much as possible (we usually do a birthday trip to celebrate both). But because my mother has gotten them accustomed to so many gifts on birthdays and holidays, that is what they equate with love. And that, is a major part of my problem.

I think your fears are misplaced. You are a far bigger influence on your kids than a grandmother. I don't think she has the power to turn them into anything and as they grow older they will see more and more of her true personality, for good and for bad. You cannot stop her (other than by doing far worse things, like cutting her off). Her way of loving them is giving them things and I don't see how you stop that. Just keep talking about the things that you value, keep pruning the toys ruthlessly and accept it.

[Anonymous]

Neither. Let grandma buy your kid a $30 toy. Be grateful you have that and free babysitting.