Not sure if I should be mad at my mother or son--or mad at all!

[Anonymous]

My 5th grade and 3rd grade nephews negotiated (? I think more in line of tricked) with my mom (their grandma) and grandma bought them a new Nintendo Switch after casual shopping to the mall during a spring break. You know that Nintendo Switch costs like $300+ (in exchange, both nephews agreed to "no Christmas gift" from grandma this year. I wonder if my mom can keep up this promise. ha ha ha)

My sister (nephews' mom), of course, was upset at the time (but also knows that grandma always spoils her grand kids anyway even though sis is around). Boys don't play the game everyday, my sister made sure of it.

I just laugh at this whole thing. Grandma just cannot stop showering the grand kids.

[Anonymous]

Lighten way up here. There is a very small window where kids even like/want toys. Once they're 11 or 12, it's all video games and maybe jerseys.

Grandparents are meant to spoil their grandchildren. Let her do it and enjoy this fleeting time in their lives. You are lucky you even have a grandmother who enters a toy store. MIL hasn't bought a toy in 20 years. They like cash now, but when they were 5, I was like WTF?

Guess what? They won't be permanently harmed or actually spoiled by the extra junk but they will remember that grandma made them feel special. Isn't that what any of us wants?!

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I could've written this post.i am overwhelmed with toys. But withthe grandparents I just have to let it go.

Free babysitting, dont know how long they'll be around... all of mine died before I turned 3 so I know my parents in particular want to live up the grandparent thing while they can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate all of the advice and I do realize this is a first world problem. Believe me. When I think of kids who will never know their grandparents, I know that I am being a brat. But I knew all four of my grandparents and loved them without them showering me with gifts. That's part of the problem--I want them to love my mom for who she is (she's a great person, despite this issue) and not because they think she is an ATM machine. She obviously is not willing to teach them that lesson herself and they have grown to expect something from her each time she comes over. Because, she usually has something in her hands.

I would tell her to keep the toys at her house but she has TONS of toys at her house. Not just every single toy my brother and I had as a child but the hundreds of toys she buys at flea markets and junk stores. Her house is worse than mine.

And THAT, I think, is the real problem. Someone said I am a control freak and, yes, when it comes to clutter, I am. I hate it. And I have no issue throwing things away that I dont need or want. She is the opposite--she keeps or thinks she can re-purpose everything and refuses to get rid of things. To her, the more, the better. And she is turning my son into her. And, as a clutter freak, it makes me nuts. And she knows it. So, yes, it's a bit of a power issue but I just can't stand to have toys around that she bought for the sake of buying them. I try, I really do, but enough is enough.

When I texted her today, she said that the toy she bought was part of his birthday present. She does this all the time (she's done it twice now for this next birthday). But on birthday day, in she comes with 8-9 gifts. So, if I really thought she was being serious, I'd let it go. But she has no intention of making it a birthday gift. I've been through this before.

And as an aside, I told her I was going to get that gift for my younger son so she knew I was planning that. And bought it anyway, for the other child.

I also agree with the PP that said to focus on experience gifts--I much prefer that and try to do that as much as possible (we usually do a birthday trip to celebrate both). But because my mother has gotten them accustomed to so many gifts on birthdays and holidays, that is what they equate with love. And that, is a major part of my problem.

I think your fears are misplaced. You are a far bigger influence on your kids than a grandmother. I don't think she has the power to turn them into anything and as they grow older they will see more and more of her true personality, for good and for bad. You cannot stop her (other than by doing far worse things, like cutting her off). Her way of loving them is giving them things and I don't see how you stop that. Just keep talking about the things that you value, keep pruning the toys ruthlessly and accept it.

+1 This is the truth. Your kids are being raised by you, in your home. You are the one with the influence, and they are old enough to differentiate the way you handle things in your home and "being spoiled by grandma".

[Anonymous]

i read the advice on these boards on how to treat mom and in laws and the future looks bleaker and bleaker by the minute.

I am nice and accommodating with my parents and in laws and thought this is the norm, but reading the comments i am starting to dread the day my kids have significant others, who would treat me like an enemy who needs to be reigned in, controlled, and punished.

Thank your lucky stars that you have a mom who bothers to spend time with your kids and buys them things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did tell my son that since he feels he needs different toys, perhaps he has outgrown the toys he has and needs to give some away. The thought of getting rid of toys is usually daunting for him so I was hoping that would serve as enough of a lesson. But I do plan to follow through on it as it's at least one way to get the old junk out before the birthday onslaught begins. But that was going to happen anyway--it'll just happen a few weeks early. It's just tricky because a lot of the stuff that DS1 has outgrown is still age-appropriate for DS2 so I don't want to get rid of those toys--it's DS2's old toys that I want to get rid of.

I do like the one in, one out rule--I actually hold myself to that rule with clothes and jewelry. And I definitely sneak toys into the donation bin and trash can a lot.

Another part of the issue is that DS1 has a strong personality (obviously) so we butt heads more than I would like about a lot of things. He can be difficult. So having to deal with creating conflict over something as silly as too many toys is just frustrating. I have enough conflict with the child--there is no reason for this to be yet another one. And to make matters worse, it's my mother who is causing the conflict. After being told again and again to stop. It's almost like she is trying to purposely sabotage me and make my life harder, which just pisses me off. For example, DS will ask for a snack 15 minutes before we eat dinner or lunch. My mother, instead of just saying no like a normal person, will just pause, I will say "no, we are eating soon" and she will say "well, DS, mommy said no so you have to wait". WTF???? How about backing me up a little?

I just feel like she isn't on my side and is willing to sell me out if it means she gets to be the hero. I have multiple examples of this and have talked to her time and time again. And my kid is too young to understand that I'm trying to look out for his best interest.

Wow, you are totally mental.

+1
you are the mom. why are you competing who is the hero?
my iaws (so not even my parents) are much more permissive than I am. All the time with them is fun and almost nothing is asked of my kids. So what? I let them be "heros", that's what grandparents are for.

[Anonymous]

Could you suggest to your mom that when she is with them instead of going to the store to buy toys she does fun things with them? Mini golf, bowling, museum, going to the movies, IMAX movie, out to lunch/ice cream. Explain that you know she loves them and the memories that they create will last much much longer than any toy that she buys them. Maybe sit down with you kids and have them brainstorm a wish list of places to go and activities to do with grandma. If you get the kids excited about the idea it will be easier to tell them no shopping!!

Another idea that has worked well with my kids to cut down on the begging to buy something every time we go somewhere like a museum is start a bumper sticker collection. We bought two old doors and added a hinge so they stand up like a screen. The kids painted the doors a fun color and now every thime we go somewhere they can buy a sticker from that place to add to the door. I figure it is less toy clutter, stickers are usually only a few $$ and because they are on the freestanding door the kids can take them when they move out of the house.

[Anonymous]

You told mom after the fact, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much drama! Let grandma buy him things. Say thank you so much. The end.

And then get rid of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a little dramatic and you sound like a bit too much of a control freak. I get that it's annoying, but isn't part of the fun of being 6 talking your grandparents into buying things for you? I'm sure your mom loves to play that role and is "blaming" your kid only because you call her on it and she probably thinks you're nuts and just wants to be a fun grandma. She gives your kid a birthday present early because she can't wait? So what? That's sweet, not something that warrants anger.

So is it worth being mad over, IMO? No. If the number of toys is an issue, get rid of them/donate regularly.

The bolded is an understatement. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a little dramatic and you sound like a bit too much of a control freak. I get that it's annoying, but isn't part of the fun of being 6 talking your grandparents into buying things for you? I'm sure your mom loves to play that role and is "blaming" your kid only because you call her on it and she probably thinks you're nuts and just wants to be a fun grandma. She gives your kid a birthday present early because she can't wait? So what? That's sweet, not something that warrants anger.

So is it worth being mad over, IMO? No. If the number of toys is an issue, get rid of them/donate regularly.

The bolded is an understatement. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did tell my son that since he feels he needs different toys, perhaps he has outgrown the toys he has and needs to give some away. The thought of getting rid of toys is usually daunting for him so I was hoping that would serve as enough of a lesson. But I do plan to follow through on it as it's at least one way to get the old junk out before the birthday onslaught begins. But that was going to happen anyway--it'll just happen a few weeks early. It's just tricky because a lot of the stuff that DS1 has outgrown is still age-appropriate for DS2 so I don't want to get rid of those toys--it's DS2's old toys that I want to get rid of.

I do like the one in, one out rule--I actually hold myself to that rule with clothes and jewelry. And I definitely sneak toys into the donation bin and trash can a lot.

Another part of the issue is that DS1 has a strong personality (obviously) so we butt heads more than I would like about a lot of things. He can be difficult. So having to deal with creating conflict over something as silly as too many toys is just frustrating. I have enough conflict with the child--there is no reason for this to be yet another one. And to make matters worse, it's my mother who is causing the conflict. After being told again and again to stop. It's almost like she is trying to purposely sabotage me and make my life harder, which just pisses me off. For example, DS will ask for a snack 15 minutes before we eat dinner or lunch. My mother, instead of just saying no like a normal person, will just pause, I will say "no, we are eating soon" and she will say "well, DS, mommy said no so you have to wait". WTF???? How about backing me up a little?

I just feel like she isn't on my side and is willing to sell me out if it means she gets to be the hero. I have multiple examples of this and have talked to her time and time again. And my kid is too young to understand that I'm trying to look out for his best interest.

Np. I get your frustration but, I don't think the bolded is a problem. You are the boss, correct? What's wrong with her telling your son that? To me it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues. Maybe a professional could help you sort your feelings with your mom over past issues and see how it relates to your currant issues.

Just a thought what if you dropped the rope? Ie don't tell your mom what to buy and if she buys a present too soon than don't buy any presents for the actual birthday. Have the "experience" birthday you would like your mom to do. So,for example take him to on a fun trip ( mini golf or rock climbing or whatever) cake and a small present. If mom buys too much put them away, donate or re-gift them.

Life is too short to get worked up on this issue.