Not sure if I should be mad at my mother or son--or mad at all!

[Anonymous]

I have a tiny cluttered house and this would make me so angry, OP. My sympathies.

1. Until they have more self-control, they will not inspire themselves right before their birthdays or holidays. No stores, no online browsing.
2. You tell everyone. Gifts will be opened on the date, not before. If they get a gift before, it disappears until the day of.
3. Perhaps you won't need Grandma's visits right before birthdays and holidays.
4. New rule - for every gift that you accept, you need to get rid of an old one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate all of the advice and I do realize this is a first world problem. Believe me. When I think of kids who will never know their grandparents, I know that I am being a brat. But I knew all four of my grandparents and loved them without them showering me with gifts. That's part of the problem--I want them to love my mom for who she is (she's a great person, despite this issue) and not because they think she is an ATM machine. She obviously is not willing to teach them that lesson herself and they have grown to expect something from her each time she comes over. Because, she usually has something in her hands.

I would tell her to keep the toys at her house but she has TONS of toys at her house. Not just every single toy my brother and I had as a child but the hundreds of toys she buys at flea markets and junk stores. Her house is worse than mine.

And THAT, I think, is the real problem. Someone said I am a control freak and, yes, when it comes to clutter, I am. I hate it. And I have no issue throwing things away that I dont need or want. She is the opposite--she keeps or thinks she can re-purpose everything and refuses to get rid of things. To her, the more, the better. And she is turning my son into her. And, as a clutter freak, it makes me nuts. And she knows it. So, yes, it's a bit of a power issue but I just can't stand to have toys around that she bought for the sake of buying them. I try, I really do, but enough is enough.

When I texted her today, she said that the toy she bought was part of his birthday present. She does this all the time (she's done it twice now for this next birthday). But on birthday day, in she comes with 8-9 gifts. So, if I really thought she was being serious, I'd let it go. But she has no intention of making it a birthday gift. I've been through this before.

And as an aside, I told her I was going to get that gift for my younger son so she knew I was planning that. And bought it anyway, for the other child.

I also agree with the PP that said to focus on experience gifts--I much prefer that and try to do that as much as possible (we usually do a birthday trip to celebrate both). But because my mother has gotten them accustomed to so many gifts on birthdays and holidays, that is what they equate with love. And that, is a major part of my problem.

It sounds like your mother suffers from hoarding syndrome--and if so, this is going to be a more difficult issue to address, but I'd try the no stores thing. I'd also try asking her to only give gifts at birthdays and Christmas, just to have it said out loud, but I wouldn't expect it to work.

Read up on hoarding. Google the Hoarding Scale pictures and see if it resembles your mom's house.

And, if that is part of the mix, realize that you have some work ahead of you to separate out your own feelings and reality from the distorted thinking of hoarding--most kids of hoarders need some support or therapy at some point.

[Anonymous]

He's 6. He can't help but try to get the toy he wants from his grandma. He understood no new toys from YOU. Maybe YOU and Dad/Other Mom. But Grandma is a totally different person.

Be mad at your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my vent:

--Both of my kids have birthday coming up in the next few weeks.
--I took my kids out shopping for a friends birthday recently and, while we were there, looked at toys for them to get birthday/Christmas ideas.
--There were a few things they wanted, I said great but we are not buying any more toys until your birthday. They understood that.
--I was away for a two nights and my almost 7yo convinced my mother to take him to the store to go toy shopping. My parents are local so they see my kids ALL the time. This was not a special visit from grandma. And she is constantly buying them things. Usually it is little things or books or a toy car or something and as much as it makes me nuts, I have learned to let the little things go. But she is well aware of the fact that in a few weeks, we have two birthdays in the house. Not to mention Christmas right after.
--She lets my older son coerce her into buying a $30 toy that not only was I going to buy anyway for the birthdays but I was going to buy it for my younger son--it's a toy for 4-7 year olds that is WAY below DS1's level. Yet, my mother still buys it.
--This is not the first time that this has happened. I gave her a specific toy to buy him for Easter last year and he walks into the house with the same toy two weeks before Easter. I hit the roof.

I am frustrated with my son because he is being manipulative and we have had this conversation over and over again. And I told him no new toys until his birthday (and he knew I was going to bring him home a little gift from my business trip). I am frustrated with my mom because she knows better too--we have been through this before. I sent her a text saying, "please do not buy them anything more until their birthday--I already had that gift picked out for DS2". She apologized and said "but DS1 is so convincing". So, basically blamed her lack of self-control on a 6yo who manipulated her.

I've already told my son that I was disappointed in his behavior and he knows that I'm upset with him. He showed me the toy before we left for work and school.

Here's my question---What can I do to get my mother to stop this and not have to shower them with whatever they want when they ask? And if I can't control her, how do I raise my kids to not manipulate adults into getting what they want? I'm fine with the occasional surprise but this is CONSTANT--and always happens right around another gift-giving holiday. In fact, just two weeks ago, she gave him a gift that she had bought for his birthday but "couldn't wait". And then when I get mad, she still gets to be the hero and I'm the evil witch mother. She's damaging my relationship with my son because she can't control herself when I am just trying to raise him properly.

Vent over--but I really do appreciate advice.

Your kid is who he is. And it sounds like he is 2017's Zack Morris.

Seriously though, he thinks that he can manipulate adults into getting what he wants because it works. It works with grandma, does it work with you? What I would do is take said toy and throw it away. Do that every time your kid ends up with something he shouldn't have because he manipulated his way into it. Don't just say "oh well, grandma bought it so what can we do? It's already here, and I was going to buy it anyway, so darn that mother in law of mine!"...because by doing that, you are PROVING that manipulation gets him what he wants.

Then, fast forward 30 years. He will either be killing it in sales, or as a prosecutor. Regardless, six figures for sure. And his wife will do everything around the house because he convinces her to.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it gives you any hope, my DD is 14.5 now. When she was your son's age she was a packrat. Toys, clothes, random crap, even garbage.

Towards the end of elementary school (and I wish I'd thought of this sooner) I started telling DD "What about if we take a picture of you wearing it before we give this too-short dress away?" And she was into it. She'd pose with clothes, books, rocks, scribbles, whatever. She NEVER asked to see the pictures.

Now, while I wouldn't say she's a minimalist, her room is very organised and neat. I never thought she'd become this person.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did tell my son that since he feels he needs different toys, perhaps he has outgrown the toys he has and needs to give some away. The thought of getting rid of toys is usually daunting for him so I was hoping that would serve as enough of a lesson. But I do plan to follow through on it as it's at least one way to get the old junk out before the birthday onslaught begins. But that was going to happen anyway--it'll just happen a few weeks early. It's just tricky because a lot of the stuff that DS1 has outgrown is still age-appropriate for DS2 so I don't want to get rid of those toys--it's DS2's old toys that I want to get rid of.

I do like the one in, one out rule--I actually hold myself to that rule with clothes and jewelry. And I definitely sneak toys into the donation bin and trash can a lot.

Another part of the issue is that DS1 has a strong personality (obviously) so we butt heads more than I would like about a lot of things. He can be difficult. So having to deal with creating conflict over something as silly as too many toys is just frustrating. I have enough conflict with the child--there is no reason for this to be yet another one. And to make matters worse, it's my mother who is causing the conflict. After being told again and again to stop. It's almost like she is trying to purposely sabotage me and make my life harder, which just pisses me off. For example, DS will ask for a snack 15 minutes before we eat dinner or lunch. My mother, instead of just saying no like a normal person, will just pause, I will say "no, we are eating soon" and she will say "well, DS, mommy said no so you have to wait". WTF???? How about backing me up a little?

I just feel like she isn't on my side and is willing to sell me out if it means she gets to be the hero. I have multiple examples of this and have talked to her time and time again. And my kid is too young to understand that I'm trying to look out for his best interest.

[Anonymous]

Start taking away any toys they get before birthdays/holidays. Tell your kid straight up if he asks grandma for something and she buys it he doesn't get to keep it. Follow through. I guarantee this will stop after the first or second time.

[Anonymous]

Your issue is that she is undermining you. You need tom confront her on that. Yes she wants to make the kids happy all the time, but you need to make her see that she is doing it at your expense. If she cant respect your parenting, you will have to take whatever steps you think necessary to get what you want.. . or agree to sit by and let it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is that she is undermining you. You need tom confront her on that. Yes she wants to make the kids happy all the time, but you need to make her see that she is doing it at your expense. If she cant respect your parenting, you will have to take whatever steps you think necessary to get what you want.. . or agree to sit by and let it happen.

Op here, yes you are right. That is exactly the problem. It's not about the fact that she bought him a toy, it's that she does it even though I have asker her not to do that right before holidays. She constantly ignores my wishes if it means that the kids will see her as supergrandma. She completely disregards my wishes if it doesn't suit her--she does the same with my brother so it's not just me. What she doesn't realize is that she is hurting her relationship with her own child and causing trouble between me and my kid. And that's what irritates me the most. And she doesn't seem to understand. Then she goes into this whole "no one likes me and I always screw up and it's so hard to be me" act and I'm so freaking sick of it.

When we had a similar issue last year, I did take the toy away. Didn't seem to make a difference but that was a year ago.

I have talked to her about this time and time again. I just don't know what else I can do. I've tried yelling, asking politely, shutting her out, I don't know how else to deal with it. I don't want to (and don't have time to) monitor her every minute with the children. She's an adult--I want her to act like one.

[Anonymous]

I would return the toy, or if it's not possible, donate to charity. When your son realizes that he doesn't get to keep what he's wheedled out of her, he'll stop. And when your mother realizes that she's throwing her money away, she'll stop, too (hopefully). You have more control over this situation than you think.

[Anonymous]

So much drama! Let grandma buy him things. Say thank you so much. The end.

[Anonymous]

My mom showers DC with toys and at first, when I tried to limit her, she got offended and told me not to tell her how to spend her money (and it was not even that, I had the same reasons you do OP). I gave up and figured that at the end, it's not about the toys, it's about going to the store with GM, browsing, selecting, and buying something together. That's an experience, fwiw. Mom also does not mind if I donate the toys DC outgrew, so I don't feel obligated to keep everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You hit the roof because she got a toy for a child a few weeks early? What happens when you have an actual problem?

Yeah, you need to chill way, way down. This doesn't even rank in the list of things to call problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did tell my son that since he feels he needs different toys, perhaps he has outgrown the toys he has and needs to give some away. The thought of getting rid of toys is usually daunting for him so I was hoping that would serve as enough of a lesson. But I do plan to follow through on it as it's at least one way to get the old junk out before the birthday onslaught begins. But that was going to happen anyway--it'll just happen a few weeks early. It's just tricky because a lot of the stuff that DS1 has outgrown is still age-appropriate for DS2 so I don't want to get rid of those toys--it's DS2's old toys that I want to get rid of.

I do like the one in, one out rule--I actually hold myself to that rule with clothes and jewelry. And I definitely sneak toys into the donation bin and trash can a lot.

Another part of the issue is that DS1 has a strong personality (obviously) so we butt heads more than I would like about a lot of things. He can be difficult. So having to deal with creating conflict over something as silly as too many toys is just frustrating. I have enough conflict with the child--there is no reason for this to be yet another one. And to make matters worse, it's my mother who is causing the conflict. After being told again and again to stop. It's almost like she is trying to purposely sabotage me and make my life harder, which just pisses me off. For example, DS will ask for a snack 15 minutes before we eat dinner or lunch. My mother, instead of just saying no like a normal person, will just pause, I will say "no, we are eating soon" and she will say "well, DS, mommy said no so you have to wait". WTF???? How about backing me up a little?

I just feel like she isn't on my side and is willing to sell me out if it means she gets to be the hero. I have multiple examples of this and have talked to her time and time again. And my kid is too young to understand that I'm trying to look out for his best interest.

Wow, you are totally mental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my vent:

--Both of my kids have birthday coming up in the next few weeks.
--I took my kids out shopping for a friends birthday recently and, while we were there, looked at toys for them to get birthday/Christmas ideas.
--There were a few things they wanted, I said great but we are not buying any more toys until your birthday. They understood that.
--I was away for a two nights and my almost 7yo convinced my mother to take him to the store to go toy shopping. My parents are local so they see my kids ALL the time. This was not a special visit from grandma. And she is constantly buying them things. Usually it is little things or books or a toy car or something and as much as it makes me nuts, I have learned to let the little things go. But she is well aware of the fact that in a few weeks, we have two birthdays in the house. Not to mention Christmas right after.
--She lets my older son coerce her into buying a $30 toy that not only was I going to buy anyway for the birthdays but I was going to buy it for my younger son--it's a toy for 4-7 year olds that is WAY below DS1's level. Yet, my mother still buys it.
--This is not the first time that this has happened. I gave her a specific toy to buy him for Easter last year and he walks into the house with the same toy two weeks before Easter. I hit the roof.

I am frustrated with my son because he is being manipulative and we have had this conversation over and over again. And I told him no new toys until his birthday (and he knew I was going to bring him home a little gift from my business trip). I am frustrated with my mom because she knows better too--we have been through this before. I sent her a text saying, "please do not buy them anything more until their birthday--I already had that gift picked out for DS2". She apologized and said "but DS1 is so convincing". So, basically blamed her lack of self-control on a 6yo who manipulated her.

I've already told my son that I was disappointed in his behavior and he knows that I'm upset with him. He showed me the toy before we left for work and school.

Here's my question---What can I do to get my mother to stop this and not have to shower them with whatever they want when they ask? And if I can't control her, how do I raise my kids to not manipulate adults into getting what they want? I'm fine with the occasional surprise but this is CONSTANT--and always happens right around another gift-giving holiday. In fact, just two weeks ago, she gave him a gift that she had bought for his birthday but "couldn't wait". And then when I get mad, she still gets to be the hero and I'm the evil witch mother. She's damaging my relationship with my son because she can't control herself when I am just trying to raise him properly.

Vent over--but I really do appreciate advice.

Wow I had this same discussion with my mom in the Fall of last year (2016). I still have the long email I drafted and her emotional response back, telling me she bought the stuff because it made her feel good about doing things for my child and one day she may not be here to do these things, so just accept the items. My mom unexpectedly died in March of 2017. Boy, do I wish I could take back that conversation. I thought my kid had too many toys and clothes because of grandma and now she'll never get anymore. Perspective. Just give the excess to Goodwill.