DH's 1950s-era women friends

[Anonymous]

DH and I are starting to lose touch with some of his friends, because of the 1950s attitude of some of the females in the group. It's a big group who met in college, and added in spouses in the past 15 or so years. Even though they are spread out over the DC area, they get together a few times a year for "big" outings, with more casual meet-ups sprinkled in for whomever can participate.

I'm a wife who "married in" with no ties to this group other than my husband. I generally enjoy all of them, like the get-togethers, and have developed my own friendships with some of the women in the group.

But, a few years ago, I shifted from being willing to "manage" some of DH's calendar and family/friend relationships to not being willing to do that at all any more; DH is more than fine with this. The shift came after we had kids--we both WOH, we both agreed that we are each responsible for answering and extending invites, remembering birthdays, being the "primary host" during visits, etc. That's our plan, it's what works for us, and DH communicated the "shift" to his family/friends when needed.

To my surprise, while DH's very traditional family has gotten comfortable with this change, his 30/40something female friends have not. They absolutely refuse to change the way they try to connect with us. All invitations come to me, and just to me: evites, phone calls, texts, etc. I always send everything to DH as soon as I get it, and he then responds directly, even sometimes saying, "Please remember that I'm the main point of contact now. I'll keep Karen in the loop, don't worry." Sometimes, especially when evites are concerned, he drops the ball, and doesn't respond/doesn't remember, and we miss out. To me, it's an "Oh well."

But his friends have now started resenting ME for him being forgetful/unresponsive.

What would you do in my case? Keep on keeping on? Just give in and respond? It's so annoying!

[Anonymous]

Wow, you're a micromanager. People forget--you're supposed to be friends not a business associate. Unclench and RSVP to the invites.

[Anonymous]

LOL "it's so annoying" for the 6 times a year you get an e-vite. Oh, the horror.

[Anonymous]

I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Anonymous]

If the friendships/gatherings were important to me, I'd respond. If not, I wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

If you're not interested in these people, you should accept that they might resent you (temporarily, I'm sure).

My husband has ADHD and is incapable of managing his own schedule. Apart from really important things, like taxes and work meetings, I let him make his own mistakes, and if he loses out socially, too bad - I can't do everything. Mind you, this rebounds on both of us - some of his mistakes have been grave indeed, like the time he had no job and missed the deadline for Cobra - we ended up with no health insurance for months.

But I can't do everything, especially when he insists he can.

[Anonymous]

I'm not getting how this is 1950s? Most men aren't great at arranging socializing for couples that wives/gfs actually would enjoy. They probably learned the hard way early on, that the men would wait until the last minute and pick a dive bar or bowling every single time. If you hate organizing social activities, just say so. If you're assuming a sinister gendered motive, speak up and be prepared to laugh at yourself when the wives don't say that's a woman's job since none of them work and there's no soaps on most of the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

His female friends prefer to communicate with his wife to avoid any appearance or possibility of impropriety. In your shoes, if I got the evite, I'd handle the response after checking with him. They're mad at you because you are in fact, not responding.

You're all a bunch of "couple friends" now. Typically wives communicate with the other wives. Is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Sometimes, especially when evites are concerned, he drops the ball, and doesn't respond/doesn't remember, and we miss out. To me, it's an "Oh well."

But his friends have now started resenting ME for him being forgetful/unresponsive.

I think this sums up the central issue. The relationship with these friends not as important to you and DH as it is to the friends. Otherwise between the two of you, you'd figure out how to make it to the events. The friends realize this and are resentful. I think you're getting hung up on your internal couple communication issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His female friends prefer to communicate with his wife to avoid any appearance or possibility of impropriety. In your shoes, if I got the evite, I'd handle the response after checking with him. They're mad at you because you are in fact, not responding.

You're all a bunch of "couple friends" now. Typically wives communicate with the other wives. Is what it is.

This.

Also OP, you are overlooking that you don't know the ins and outs of the relationship that exists between these women and the
ir husbands and what arrangments they have,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His female friends prefer to communicate with his wife to avoid any appearance or possibility of impropriety. In your shoes, if I got the evite, I'd handle the response after checking with him. They're mad at you because you are in fact, not responding.

You're all a bunch of "couple friends" now. Typically wives communicate with the other wives. Is what it is.

NP and no way. I have a college group like this--men and women, with spouses who came in along the way. I'm not going to not "primarily" invite my good friend Greg because he now has a wife of seven months, Sally. I'm not going to stop sending him dumb Internet videos related to inside jokes from back in the day because we are now both married. We're friends, and we're always going to be friends, and I treat him no differently from my other friends from that era who are women.

[Anonymous]

Maybe, just maybe they want to be friends with YOU and they are reaching out to YOU as a way to connect.

I don't know why because you seem needlessly difficult and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Be flexible, OP. And social. This is not about gender roles. Do you really want to lose friends because they won't follow some arbitrary rule you made up about how you manage your household division of labor? That really is not their problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His female friends prefer to communicate with his wife to avoid any appearance or possibility of impropriety. In your shoes, if I got the evite, I'd handle the response after checking with him. They're mad at you because you are in fact, not responding.

You're all a bunch of "couple friends" now. Typically wives communicate with the other wives. Is what it is.

NP and no way. I have a college group like this--men and women, with spouses who came in along the way. I'm not going to not "primarily" invite my good friend Greg because he now has a wife of seven months, Sally. I'm not going to stop sending him dumb Internet videos related to inside jokes from back in the day because we are now both married. We're friends, and we're always going to be friends, and I treat him no differently from my other friends from that era who are women.

That's you. Not everyone functions like you or thinks like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I generally enjoy all of them, like the get-togethers, and have developed my own friendships with some of the women in the group.

And yet you say these are DH's relationships to manage... If you want to be friends with them, be friendly to them!