DH's 1950s-era women friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His female friends prefer to communicate with his wife to avoid any appearance or possibility of impropriety. In your shoes, if I got the evite, I'd handle the response after checking with him. They're mad at you because you are in fact, not responding.

You're all a bunch of "couple friends" now. Typically wives communicate with the other wives. Is what it is.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP but this is a very odd post. I don't understand the whole 50's reference. Your making a big deal out of nothing.

I don't get it either. It's like she felt the need to insult women that have manners. I would never email a married man an invitation to any gathering. That includes my brother.

I guess OP is trying to be that woman no one likes, so hip so cool so trendy so bossy and she's shifting blame. Won't be long before no invites arrive or only her husband will be invited.

Makes you wonder if OP dared to tell the others what she really thinks.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His female friends prefer to communicate with his wife to avoid any appearance or possibility of impropriety. In your shoes, if I got the evite, I'd handle the response after checking with him. They're mad at you because you are in fact, not responding.

You're all a bunch of "couple friends" now. Typically wives communicate with the other wives. Is what it is.

This

Yes. It's bad manners to go directly to the husband.

[Anonymous]

Friends are hard to come by. I would love to have a big group of people inviting me and DH to outings.

You are being super petty, OP. They clearly consider you--not just DH--their friend.

[Anonymous]

They thought, after years, you were friends with them too. And they feel uncomfortable only reaching out to someone's husband. I'd ask them to also include dh, but not to cut you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends are hard to come by. I would love to have a big group of people inviting me and DH to outings.

You are being super petty, OP. They clearly consider you--not just DH--their friend.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they resent you?

It's clear that you and your DH don't think their invitations are important because you don't reply to emails sent to you, and sometimes he forgets. I'd think you're not interested after a couple of times with no response.

And, if I got a business-like email "Remember I'm the POC for social invitations now, not Karen" I'd think you didn''t want to hang out with us. well, and that you can't be bothered with your DH's friends.

+1

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that this is the social dynamic of the group. OP and her DH can choose to maintain the friendships or not.

I don't like the 1950s reference but I concede that I feel frustration that women still - working or not - on point for a disproportionate amount of the mental load for running a household and managing the family calendar and correspondence. It's definitely the case in my house, and seems to be the case with nearly every family I know, with the exception of a couple of stay at home dads. Sheryl Sandberg talks about this problem frequently.

My DH has ADHD and a really demanding job, but also can be pretty thoughtless in household stuff when he is around (dishes, trash, etc.) I fought and resented DH for years and didn't get anywhere so now I outsource what we can afford and then do the rest. I am also focusing on having my kids learn how to do things, and hold them accountable.

I have a flexible job outside the home but even if I didn't, I would definitely feel sad to be labeled 1950s. The friends might be picking up on OP's judgment.

[Anonymous]

Pretty soon this issue will resolve itself. You won't have any invitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL "it's so annoying" for the 6 times a year you get an e-vite. Oh, the horror.

+ 1

People tend to cut the people they like slack. OP, you obviously don't like these people for other reasons which is fine. But don't pretend that the entire reason is getting the random text or email from them.

[Anonymous]

OP have you considered that the women texting/emailing you really want to be YOUR friend which is why they continue to reach out to you and not your DH?

Maybe they really like YOU and are making a special effort to reach out and you're determined to see it as some sinister plot to send us all back to female servitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are starting to lose touch with some of his friends, because of the 1950s attitude of some of the females in the group. It's a big group who met in college, and added in spouses in the past 15 or so years. Even though they are spread out over the DC area, they get together a few times a year for "big" outings, with more casual meet-ups sprinkled in for whomever can participate.

I'm a wife who "married in" with no ties to this group other than my husband. I generally enjoy all of them, like the get-togethers, and have developed my own friendships with some of the women in the group.

But, a few years ago, I shifted from being willing to "manage" some of DH's calendar and family/friend relationships to not being willing to do that at all any more; DH is more than fine with this. The shift came after we had kids--we both WOH, we both agreed that we are each responsible for answering and extending invites, remembering birthdays, being the "primary host" during visits, etc. That's our plan, it's what works for us, and DH communicated the "shift" to his family/friends when needed.

To my surprise, while DH's very traditional family has gotten comfortable with this change, his 30/40something female friends have not. They absolutely refuse to change the way they try to connect with us. All invitations come to me, and just to me: evites, phone calls, texts, etc. I always send everything to DH as soon as I get it, and he then responds directly, even sometimes saying, "Please remember that I'm the main point of contact now. I'll keep Karen in the loop, don't worry." Sometimes, especially when evites are concerned, he drops the ball, and doesn't respond/doesn't remember, and we miss out. To me, it's an "Oh well."

But his friends have now started resenting ME for him being forgetful/unresponsive.

What would you do in my case? Keep on keeping on? Just give in and respond? It's so annoying!

It's not a 1950's thing, it's just women in general. Most have this sexist attitude that men are helpless and the woman runs everything. If he does not respond, he does not want to go. Women do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His female friends prefer to communicate with his wife to avoid any appearance or possibility of impropriety. In your shoes, if I got the evite, I'd handle the response after checking with him. They're mad at you because you are in fact, not responding.

You're all a bunch of "couple friends" now. Typically wives communicate with the other wives. Is what it is.

This

Yes. It's bad manners to go directly to the husband.

If the couple have explicitly asked you to do that, it is terrible manners NOT to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you're a micromanager. People forget--you're supposed to be friends not a business associate. Unclench and RSVP to the invites.

So she can continue to be the personal assistant? They both work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you're a micromanager. People forget--you're supposed to be friends not a business associate. Unclench and RSVP to the invites.

So she can continue to be the personal assistant? They both work full time.

But she is the woman and therefore apparently more capable of doing this than someone with a penis.

And they say that sexism is done...