DH's 1950s-era women friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they resent you?

It's clear that you and your DH don't think their invitations are important because you don't reply to emails sent to you, and sometimes he forgets. I'd think you're not interested after a couple of times with no response.

And, if I got a business-like email "Remember I'm the POC for social invitations now, not Karen" I'd think you didn''t want to hang out with us. well, and that you can't be bothered with your DH's friends.

I'd think that, too, or that you were having marital problems. I can't imagine getting an invitation from someone and telling them they have to send it to my DH - or vice versa. Now, my DH will forward me invitations he's gotten because he's got terrible organizational skills and I value our relationship with friends too much to leave it to him. However, he is responsible for handling invitations from his family. There's a difference.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Just deal.

[Anonymous]

To those of you saying 'I'd think you didn't want to hang out with us' - has this thread in anyway been an eye opener? Can you hear the message that it isn't that, but that some people organize their lives differently to you and that's ok… (after all, it's no harder for you to send an invite to a man than a woman is it?)

[Anonymous]

Just ask them to add you both. This is really not a difficult issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP but this is a very odd post. I don't understand the whole 50's reference. Your making a big deal out of nothing.

I don't get it either. It's like she felt the need to insult women that have manners. I would never email a married man an invitation to any gathering. That includes my brother.

I guess OP is trying to be that woman no one likes, so hip so cool so trendy so bossy and she's shifting blame. Won't be long before no invites arrive or only her husband will be invited.

Makes you wonder if OP dared to tell the others what she really thinks.

This is truly one of the strangest, most sinister things I have ever read on DCUM. Is your SIL so twisted and psychopathic that she thinks you have sexual designs upon your brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His female friends prefer to communicate with his wife to avoid any appearance or possibility of impropriety. In your shoes, if I got the evite, I'd handle the response after checking with him. They're mad at you because you are in fact, not responding.

You're all a bunch of "couple friends" now. Typically wives communicate with the other wives. Is what it is.

+1

They are trying to do the right thing OP - they are good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP but this is a very odd post. I don't understand the whole 50's reference. Your making a big deal out of nothing.

I don't get it either. It's like she felt the need to insult women that have manners. I would never email a married man an invitation to any gathering. That includes my brother.

I guess OP is trying to be that woman no one likes, so hip so cool so trendy so bossy and she's shifting blame. Won't be long before no invites arrive or only her husband will be invited.

Makes you wonder if OP dared to tell the others what she really thinks.

This is truly one of the strangest, most sinister things I have ever read on DCUM. Is your SIL so twisted and psychopathic that she thinks you have sexual designs upon your brother?

Seriously. What a weird ass thing to say. If my SIL started emailing me invites instead of HER OWN BROTHER because of some weird "women aren't allowed to communicate with married men", DH would mock her to the ends of the earth and back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get what your saying and I don't know why no one else does. I don't enjoy being the general social calendaring person for the family. Thankfully, most of the couple friends or friends that originated through him, are considerate enough to put both of us on evites or emails. I couldn't care less if it's a wife emailing him about us getting together. I get hundreds of emails a day between work and all the home life crap (as I do take responsibility for kids' medical appointments, shopping for kids, and the absolutely endless crap-string of emails about the kids school stuff and sports snack schedules) -- I certainly appreciate anything that DOESN'T go onto my plate.

I agree with you that it's a 1950s mindset that the wife runs the social calendar, or that it's inappropriate for other wives to email your husband. Maybe all the PPs are from the Mike Pence world, where a married man isn't allowed to have lunch with a woman not his wife.

Agreed. It is seriously stepford wives 5000 on this thread and with this mentality.

[Anonymous]

Oh, please "DH is the main point of contact" sounds like business delegation and that the inviter isn't worthy of your time. Women are social organizers, men are like whatever! My husband will organize a social event that centers around sports (Mixed golf or tennis) but that might be 10% of our social life. I and my GF's handle the other 90% and hope we get our DH's to nod their assent.

[Anonymous]

OP, to summarize: these friends email you to invite you and your DH to something. Neither of you respond to the invite. The friends are, very reasonably, annoyed that nobody responded. To me there's nothing 1950s about this--you (both) just failed to respond to their invitation!

There doesn't seem to be any reason to think that your DH would be better about responding if he got the invites initially (rather than you forwarding them)--right? So that issue is a red herring. In any case, it's not really somebody else's responsibility to remember which person in a couple is "point person" for responding to invites. It's reasonable to treat an invite to either person as having been received by the couple.

If, as you say, you feel like "Oh well" about missing their events, then maybe that means you are ready to ditch these friends. If so, then OK, you don't really have a problem here.

But if not, then you and your DH need to figure out a way to successfully respond to invitations. That's basic etiquette.

If your plan is to forward the invites to your DH and then he forgets to respond, then that doesn't seem like a good plan if you want to keep these friendships. I'd be annoyed with your DH if I were you, but I'd probably take over responding to invites and give him another household assignment that he will actually do instead.

Getting mad at the friends doesn't accomplish anything other than perhaps making you feel better about the slow death of those friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP but this is a very odd post. I don't understand the whole 50's reference. Your making a big deal out of nothing.

I don't get it either. It's like she felt the need to insult women that have manners. I would never email a married man an invitation to any gathering. That includes my brother.

I guess OP is trying to be that woman no one likes, so hip so cool so trendy so bossy and she's shifting blame. Won't be long before no invites arrive or only her husband will be invited.

Makes you wonder if OP dared to tell the others what she really thinks.

This is truly one of the strangest, most sinister things I have ever read on DCUM. Is your SIL so twisted and psychopathic that she thinks you have sexual designs upon your brother?

Seriously. What a weird ass thing to say. If my SIL started emailing me invites instead of HER OWN BROTHER because of some weird "women aren't allowed to communicate with married men", DH would mock her to the ends of the earth and back.

You guys jump to some odd conclusions. I assumed she wouldn't email a married man because she knows he will either forget, or just send it to his wife, so why not just send it to her? How you got something sexual from that is beyond me

[Anonymous]

OP, I get the annoying factor -- in our family, DH is in charge of all the social calendaring. I am an introvert and if it was up to me, we'd stay at home all the time!

But your problem is that you are getting offended by others failing to remember specifics about how you arrange your calendaring. It really is too much to ask. People are busy and can't be expected to know/recall something that mundane.

I just forward to DH, or if an in-person DH, say "thanks! that sounds fun. I'll check with DH -- I don't really know our schedule as he does all that for us!" Then I pass the info along. No big deal. I forward any "Evite Reminders" too which helps him not forget.

This isn't some grand statement about the Little Woman's Job is to Respond to Evites.

I have to think there must be something else about this friend group you find too Stepford Wives for you, because this is really a small detail to draw that conclusion.

FWIW, I get along with DH's friends well but don't have that much in common so I get being "oh well" about social engagements. But I usually have fun when I do go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those of you saying 'I'd think you didn't want to hang out with us' - has this thread in anyway been an eye opener? Can you hear the message that it isn't that, but that some people organize their lives differently to you and that's ok… (after all, it's no harder for you to send an invite to a man than a woman is it?)

Not at all. Who remembers this kind of thing? I usually add both spouses to my Evites, FWIW. Then whoever is the responder can respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those of you saying 'I'd think you didn't want to hang out with us' - has this thread in anyway been an eye opener? Can you hear the message that it isn't that, but that some people organize their lives differently to you and that's ok… (after all, it's no harder for you to send an invite to a man than a woman is it?)

Not at all. Who remembers this kind of thing? I usually add both spouses to my Evites, FWIW. Then whoever is the responder can respond.

I don't care how you arrange your marriage or your social life, but I also don't think it's my problem. You are a married couple. Figure out a way to effectively communicate with each other about invitations. It is not my problem to solve.