He loves me, has great benefits, good income, sex is terrible

[Anonymous]

I'm 46 and single. I have 2 kids. I own my own home, and make a decent amount of money to support my kids and myself.
I've been dating a very nice guy. He is 45 as well, never married, never had kids. Very career focused. He has great benefits, makes a good amount of money (about equal to me). He has saved and invested a ton of money, while I have spent most of mine raising my kids on my own. I am not broke. I am ok. My benefits at work are not great at all.

He has a good future ahead of him, retirement etc. He wants to get married. He loves me, loves my kids ( 17,15). I love him. My only hesitation is that in bed, he is practically dead. It's me doing it all.
He doesn't decline sex, he just doesn't do, well, much of anything. His personality is not a very touchy feely type. We hold hands, when I take his hand. he kisses me every day. Passionately, no, but he kisses me. He hugs me. He tells me he loves me.

At my age, do I commit to a crappy sex life, but a secure future for me and my kids, or do I wait for the whole package?
Can I live with this type of sex life, I think so.
Not having to worry about benefits or retirement and just feeling overall secure financially for me and my kids for the rest of my life is very appealing.

I'm not looking for his money, I have college savings accounts started for both of my kids. I have my own 401K and it's decent.

Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life, NO. I've been alone long enough and love the comfort of a partner.

What do I do?

[Anonymous]

You surface the sex issue with him. There is no path forward without addressing it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You surface the sex issue with him. There is no path forward without addressing it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Have you tried asking him to do specific things and he refuses, or have you just put up with it so you don't embarrass him?

I'm not sure I'd marry him if the sex was that bad, but I'd at least give him a chance to fix it first.

[Anonymous]

How much do you care about sex? Where do you see yourself in 5 years - do you see yourself getting anxious and horny and having an affair with someone who is better in bed? Or do you see yourself comfortable in a sex-free marriage?

Personally, I probably wouldn't bother staying with this guy. I don't see the point of being in a sexless marriage. If I don't want sex, I can just stay single. I think I'd end up getting jealous of other couples I saw who were clearly in a better place, passion-wise.

[Anonymous]

Rx: porn

[Anonymous]

I couldn't move forward. But sex is the highest priority for me in my next relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 46 and single. I have 2 kids. I own my own home, and make a decent amount of money to support my kids and myself.
I've been dating a very nice guy. He is 45 as well, never married, never had kids. Very career focused. He has great benefits, makes a good amount of money (about equal to me). He has saved and invested a ton of money, while I have spent most of mine raising my kids on my own. I am not broke. I am ok. My benefits at work are not great at all.

He has a good future ahead of him, retirement etc. He wants to get married. He loves me, loves my kids ( 17,15). I love him. My only hesitation is that in bed, he is practically dead. It's me doing it all.
He doesn't decline sex, he just doesn't do, well, much of anything. His personality is not a very touchy feely type. We hold hands, when I take his hand. he kisses me every day. Passionately, no, but he kisses me. He hugs me. He tells me he loves me.

At my age, do I commit to a crappy sex life, but a secure future for me and my kids, or do I wait for the whole package?
Can I live with this type of sex life, I think so.
Not having to worry about benefits or retirement and just feeling overall secure financially for me and my kids for the rest of my life is very appealing.

I'm not looking for his money, I have college savings accounts started for both of my kids. I have my own 401K and it's decent.

Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life, NO. I've been alone long enough and love the comfort of a partner.

What do I do?

Sounds to me like you ALREADY are financially secure. And yet still there's this undercurrent of "I want his money to make me overall secure". He's just an ATM to you. Think you should pass rather than setting both of you up for future heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

Marry him and get a toy. After a couple years of marriage, you won't want to have sex with him anyway. It's will work.

[Anonymous]

Other issues are bound to arise in a marriage without satisfying sex. I wouldn't go through with it because I think the marriage has a low chance of success. I wouldn't just ditch him though-- I'd buy some books/videos and see if that doesn't give him some better ideas.

[Anonymous]

I would marry him. Sex is important but if everything else is there he sounds great.you are 46 I don't know that if you let him go you will find something better. Can you try to teach him? Have you talked about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marry him and get a toy. After a couple years of marriage, you won't want to have sex with him anyway. It's will work.

That's sad. Both men and women should plan to have satisfying sex with their future spouse, not a life of bad sex or no sex in exchange for a certain standard of living.

I read that men whose DW's outearned them are more likely to cheat and usually with a lower income woman who reports the sex is great. They bring their A game with the OW because they can't impress her with money.

[Anonymous]

Really, truly not trying to be snarky, but: how many women are really interested in sex after menopause. And how many are interested in sex after a couple of years of marriage.

Point being, the overwhelming likelihood is that in a couple years, sex may not be something you care so much about. Having an awesome life companion who is your age, financially and emotionally stable, its rare and even harder to find in your 50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, truly not trying to be snarky, but: how many women are really interested in sex after menopause. And how many are interested in sex after a couple of years of marriage.

Point being, the overwhelming likelihood is that in a couple years, sex may not be something you care so much about. Having an awesome life companion who is your age, financially and emotionally stable, its rare and even harder to find in your 50s.

True, but to me it's meaningful to be with someone with whom you shared sexual chemistry, even if it dwindles over time.