DH rejects any intimacy

[Anonymous]

He's always been this way, just worse as the years have gone on. Been married 5yrs, no kids. He doesn't hold my hand, he never initiates, when I initiate I am rejected 99.9% of the time (not an exaggeration). We have had sex 6 times in 5 years of marriage. We had sex once a week prior to marriage. When we got married, it stopped. He takes care of the house, does nice things for me, we go out on "date nights" dinner, movies, sporting events, travel. There is no intimacy at all. We go to the gym together, we are both fit and in good shape. I'm 29, he's 34

We are best friends, room mates basically.

We read the 5 languages of love and both fill out the exercise in the back of the book.
My number 1 is physical touch, my number is 2 words of encouragement, my number 5 is receiving gifts
His number 1 is receiving gifts, his number 2 is words of encouragement, his number 5 is physical touch

I've brought it up a lot. He says he'll try to change. He never has.

Do I give him an ultimatum? Are we just completely incompatible as a couple?

I can't live the rest of my life this way.

[Anonymous]

Lose weight.

[Anonymous]

Serious question: Is he gay? That isn't just low drive.

[Anonymous]

The word ultimatum has really negative connotations but I do think I would tell my spouse that I'm not willing to live like this anymore and am considering leaving. Not to blackmail them but to let them know how serious it is to me and to put it out there that the relationship is being so damaged by it. They could then decide whether withholding physical affection was worth losing the relationship over. Maybe it is for them, maybe your husband despises physical affection so much he'd rather not be married than give it and that's his right but it's also your right to choose to leave. But I do think you owe it to your spouse to at least let him know before it's too late how bad things are for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's always been this way, just worse as the years have gone on. Been married 5yrs, no kids. He doesn't hold my hand, he never initiates, when I initiate I am rejected 99.9% of the time (not an exaggeration). We have had sex 6 times in 5 years of marriage. We had sex once a week prior to marriage. When we got married, it stopped. He takes care of the house, does nice things for me, we go out on "date nights" dinner, movies, sporting events, travel. There is no intimacy at all. We go to the gym together, we are both fit and in good shape. I'm 29, he's 34

We are best friends, room mates basically.

We read the 5 languages of love and both fill out the exercise in the back of the book.
My number 1 is physical touch, my number is 2 words of encouragement, my number 5 is receiving gifts
His number 1 is receiving gifts, his number 2 is words of encouragement, his number 5 is physical touch

I've brought it up a lot. He says he'll try to change. He never has.

Do I give him an ultimatum? Are we just completely incompatible as a couple?

I can't live the rest of my life this way.

Are you sure you got the love languages right?? His number 1 is receiving gifts??? Sounds very female and not male at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: Is he gay? That isn't just low drive.

Good question!

[Anonymous]

why are you staying. No kids, write this off as a starter marriage. Do NOT have kids, holy cow, that will make this 1,000 times worse. He isn't going to change. At this age, this is as good as he is going to ever be.

[Anonymous]

sex 6 times in 5 years of marriage

This is just unhealthy. He either has a medical problem, is gay, or is getting sex elsewhere. I would have added that he may not be attracted to you at all, but I think even that is unlikely. No healthy, married, heterosexual man married to a woman is ok with sex only 6 times in 5 years to a point he would reject her when she initiates it. A lot of guys DREAM of having a wife that initiates sex on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Initiate with me. I promise I won't say no.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the trolls.

Cut bait. You are incompatible. He will make some very low drive woman very happy. You will make almost every other man on the planet very happy.

Or you could have kids and at least be grateful during the toddler years that you don't have a husband pestering you for sex

[Anonymous]

Ditch love languages. Flawed concept and big shocker but every spouse here and in book reviews who is cut off physically shows up with physical touch as #1. Then they tell their partner how the test went in guilt trip ways and it's all la dee da fairy like because some book told them they need physical touch and now they know why they don't feel loved!! No sh*t. Then they push their partner and suggest they better up giving it because it's their 'love language'.

I would leave. His issues sound extreme. Once a year in early marriage before kids is a big issue. Get therapy for yourself. Were you happy with once a week before marriage?

[Anonymous]

It could be that he is into kinky sex. My husband sounds a lot pike yours only if I begged him I could get sex once a month or every 2 months. He finally admitted to me a couple days ago that he is into masochism and it turns him on. He likes being beaten. He was embarrassed to tell me. Maybe that could be what is going on with your DH as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be that he is into kinky sex. My husband sounds a lot pike yours only if I begged him I could get sex once a month or every 2 months. He finally admitted to me a couple days ago that he is into masochism and it turns him on. He likes being beaten. He was embarrassed to tell me. Maybe that could be what is going on with your DH as well.

How have the past few days in the bedroom been?

[Anonymous]

Just found out Saturday and haven't find me anything yet since then. I was severely abused until I left home at 18 and then again by my ex-husband after I married him at the young age of 21. I need a few days to process the info and decide how much of this I can actually do. I have a hard time thinking about beating on the person I love.