DH rejects any intimacy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just found out Saturday and haven't find me anything yet since then. I was severely abused until I left home at 18 and then again by my ex-husband after I married him at the young age of 21. I need a few days to process the info and decide how much of this I can actually do. I have a hard time thinking about beating on the person I love.

If that is how he wants to be loved, love him. Take charge and own it. Discuss lay out ground rules. Make it a bedroom only thing. Love his soul and everything else will fall into place.

[Anonymous]

My sister went through this for ten years and finally gave up and left him. Happily remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just found out Saturday and haven't find me anything yet since then. I was severely abused until I left home at 18 and then again by my ex-husband after I married him at the young age of 21. I need a few days to process the info and decide how much of this I can actually do. I have a hard time thinking about beating on the person I love.

You are absolutely wise to be hesitant about this.

Does this mean there's significant porn use going on for him?

I feel for you and really think protecting yourself from being retraumatized is top priority. I question too what place his wants come from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's always been this way, just worse as the years have gone on. Been married 5yrs, no kids. He doesn't hold my hand, he never initiates, when I initiate I am rejected 99.9% of the time (not an exaggeration). We have had sex 6 times in 5 years of marriage. We had sex once a week prior to marriage. When we got married, it stopped. He takes care of the house, does nice things for me, we go out on "date nights" dinner, movies, sporting events, travel. There is no intimacy at all. We go to the gym together, we are both fit and in good shape. I'm 29, he's 34

We are best friends, room mates basically.

We read the 5 languages of love and both fill out the exercise in the back of the book.
My number 1 is physical touch, my number is 2 words of encouragement, my number 5 is receiving gifts
His number 1 is receiving gifts, his number 2 is words of encouragement, his number 5 is physical touch

I've brought it up a lot. He says he'll try to change. He never has.

Do I give him an ultimatum? Are we just completely incompatible as a couple?

I can't live the rest of my life this way.

Are you sure you got the love languages right?? His number 1 is receiving gifts??? Sounds very female and not male at all.

Yep, I am correct. Gifts = #1 to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ditch love languages. Flawed concept and big shocker but every spouse here and in book reviews who is cut off physically shows up with physical touch as #1. Then they tell their partner how the test went in guilt trip ways and it's all la dee da fairy like because some book told them they need physical touch and now they know why they don't feel loved!! No sh*t. Then they push their partner and suggest they better up giving it because it's their 'love language'.

I would leave. His issues sound extreme. Once a year in early marriage before kids is a big issue. Get therapy for yourself. Were you happy with once a week before marriage?

I would prefer more (3 times a week), but once a week was keeping me content.

[Anonymous]

OP the bottom line is that whatever the underlying reason is for him not wanting sex more often (he is a young guy in good shape who knows that his young wife wants him), that this will never change. The only question here is whether you love him enough to make a sacrifice to stay with him long term. Trust me, even if you do this or that and it picks up for a month or two, he will revert back to no sex after a while. Can you live with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the bottom line is that whatever the underlying reason is for him not wanting sex more often (he is a young guy in good shape who knows that his young wife wants him), that this will never change. The only question here is whether you love him enough to make a sacrifice to stay with him long term. Trust me, even if you do this or that and it picks up for a month or two, he will revert back to no sex after a while. Can you live with that?

No, I can't live with that. But I don't know if I can live without him in my life.

[Anonymous]

What about the vows "for better or worse" this is worse. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the bottom line is that whatever the underlying reason is for him not wanting sex more often (he is a young guy in good shape who knows that his young wife wants him), that this will never change. The only question here is whether you love him enough to make a sacrifice to stay with him long term. Trust me, even if you do this or that and it picks up for a month or two, he will revert back to no sex after a while. Can you live with that?

No, I can't live with that. But I don't know if I can live without him in my life.

Therapy. Not a healthy mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about the vows "for better or worse" this is worse. Deal with it.

You completely misunderstand the meaning of that phrase.

For better or worse means in good times and bad. Meaning if one spouse gets sick or loses a job, the other will stick by and not just jump ship. What it DOESN'T MEAN is that one spouse decides to completely neglect the needs of another for YEARS and expect that spouse to just put up with it. Especially if there is no medical or emotional reason. Or maybe he has one of those reason, but obviously he is not willing to investigate or even admit that he has a problem. This is really no different from verbal or physical abuse in my book. So, no...your vows do not apply in this case. But nice try.

[Anonymous]

Are we just completely incompatible as a couple?

I can't live the rest of my life this way.
[Report Post]

If you can't live the rest of your life this way then yes, you are completely incompatible.

I would suggest giving it 6 months in couples counseling where you see if you can figure out what it is but honestly if it didn't change or you didn't discover a real reason, then I'd leave the marriage. You're only 29 and you dont have kids. You're too young and free to settle for a sexless life.

question: how was it before marriage? Once a week is not a lot for childless couples at the start /early stages of a romance. DH and I are now at once a week, but we are a decade into marriage with 2 kids and we're middle aged. We probably had sex most nights we were together when dating.

I was in a relationship for a couple years that became sexless, more or less, once we moved in together and there the sex was never that frequent. It was truly a terrible thing for both of us--I ultimately broke up with him for a variety of reasons, but the main one was the lack of physical intimacy, which in his case reflected a deeper issue with intimacy. he never did get married to anyone else. I dont know in the end what the issue was with sex, but it frankly didn't matter. I couldn't be happy without the physical expression of intimacy and pleasure.

A friend of mine got married in her mid 20s, the sex dropped off precipitiously. Ultimately her "dh" told her he was no longer attracted to her (nothing had changed!). they divorced 6 years in. He came out a few years later. She is with someone else and is very, very happy.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes OP. Leaving was the best decision I ever made. Second best decision was having an affair with someone who drove me wild- showed me what I was missing out on and gave me the courage to leave.

Of course, after I left he started trying to fix his sex drive. Too little, too late.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I'm in the same position, except my DH has no love language. Just wanted to commiserate. We've been together for 20 years -- no kids, but fully enmeshed with each other's families and friends. I have no idea how to leave.

[Anonymous]

11:55 no there isn't significant porn use by him. He is more of what I describe as asexual and once a month forces himself to have sex. If I was beating the crap out of him as he states he wants then he said he knows that would turn him on.

[Lucky20]

If you have talked about it and he won't change, try going to counseling. If that does not work, end it.