Can't seem to forgive myself or DH

[Anonymous]

We had a rocky start when we started dating 6 years ago. He was in love with his ex-girlfriend he had just broken up with and he ghosted me a few times to go visit her in San Diego. At the time, when he suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, I did not know he went to go meet with/get back together with his ex. I only found out after I went through his phone a few years back and saw texts between them from that time. He has never admitted to me that he did that. When he came back and we officially got back together and started dating, we did not really talk about it. I was not ready to talk about it and assumed he'd eventually give me the apology/explanation I deserved.

Years passed by and he never mentioned it. We got engaged and married and now we keep having fights about what happened or did not happen back then. I only found out he had ghosted me to try to win her back AFTER we got together. I feel like I never really got closure for this and feel humiliated that I put myself through this and did not know better. I am also hurt that he hurt and deceived me.

Every time I bring it up my DH gets angry and says I am "time traveling." He says I need to let go of my grudge and live in the present where we are happy.

Its been 6 years. Am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. I had some feelings like that with my dh when we were first married. We're now married 10 years with two kids and its way way in the past. I wish I had a magic formula to give you to get past it. I think for us it was just living life and having lots of experiences together that made that time fade into the background. Perhaps you could try some individual therapy so you have a sounding board for your feelings that isn't him?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you didn't know what he was doing during this time, but you married him expecting he would offer an explanation or apology at some point.

What he did was wrong, but you married him without forgiving his prior transgressions.

If he has been a good husband since, you should leave it in the past.

If he still does things that make you uncomfortable, divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you didn't know what he was doing during this time, but you married him expecting he would offer an explanation or apology at some point.

What he did was wrong, but you married him without forgiving his prior transgressions.

If he has been a good husband since, you should leave it in the past.

If he still does things that make you uncomfortable, divorce.

No, he has been wonderful and utterly devoted to me. He says whatever his bad behavior was back then, he has atoned for it in our years together and I need to let it go.

[Anonymous]

What do you want from him?

[Anonymous]

You're under the stupid impression that life is a story book where you don't have scars. Toughen up buttercup or it will just get worse.

[Anonymous]

It's in the past. You weren't together. You need to
Let it go.

[Anonymous]

You need to let it go.

Or alternatively, keep it up and end up divorced and you know exactly who your kids stepmother will be.

[Anonymous]

You're an idiot. I hope he gets tired of your crap and dump you

[Anonymous]

So your issue is that you don't trust him and you need him to come clean on exactly what happened in the past so that you can have closure and move on. It troubles you because he wasn't honest with you in the past, and your gut tells you that this may be his way to deal with things in the future--hiding what he does and refusing to come clean when confronted.

He chose to be with you. Was it because his ex wouldn't have him? Did he ever clarify that? Do you worry you're second choice? Do you worry that in future, he will build her up into a fantasy dreamgirl and it will negatively affect you? And finally, do you expect him to be honest about any of this? Because he knows that what he says can haunt you both.

How did you get through dating, becoming engaged, and then marrying without resolving this? Did you think each next step would be the proof you'd need to set it to rest? And yet here it is, still bothering you.

At this point you really shouldn't still be arguing about his ex. Why should it even come up when you argue about other things? How is it related? Is he generally untrustworthy and doing things that make you feel insecure in his feelings and commitment towards you?

Yeah, I ask a lot of questions.

[Anonymous]

No, you are absolutely not crazy OP!!

It was a tough time for you & you need to get closure for what he did in order to move on.

If your DH is instead placing blame on you vs. openly discussing the issue then it is likely you will never move on from this hurt.

He also should be listening to your feelings about this + working on getting to a better place.

His "time traveling" comment makes zero sense.
Just a way to place any and all blame on you.

[Anonymous]

I think until rings r on the fingers you are single and it's fair play. If u have a fulfilling life and especially if you have children, let this go. Everyone is entitled to their secrets. Let him have his.

The only way this would bother me was if I felt like he wasn't currently committed.only you know if this is a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, to me your attitude seems completely passive agreesive. You let it go earlier, hoping he would come clean to fix it. You even got married to him. Now, by whatever trigger may be in place and after you have a good situation, you want him to come clean. If I were your spouse, I would give you time to work this out. And if you did not, I would let you go.

[Anonymous]

Do you love him unconditionally? If you do, can you find the strength to let it go? Hearing the story of that time would only hurt you and him both.

[Anonymous]

Too much drama. Get some individual therapy. You will be happier.