Can't seem to forgive myself or DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from him?

I think this is a great question, OP. I also agree with a lot of what 23:13 said.

XH cheated and did some awful things. I never got the closure I needed after we got back together. A marriage counselor told me it was my problem and to drop it. I did. But that allowed him to continue to abuse me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want from him?

I think this is a great question, OP. I also agree with a lot of what 23:13 said.

XH cheated and did some awful things. I never got the closure I needed after we got back together. A marriage counselor told me it was my problem and to drop it. I did. But that allowed him to continue to abuse me.

WTF? OP does not sound abused. She seems stuck on something that happened before they even were exclusive. I can see why DH is annoyed and says she is time traveling. She doesn't mention any other evidence DH has cheated. I would NOT call the original acts "cheating". That is just "figuring out whether you want to go forward" that early in a relationship.

Lots of people date multiple people these days. My DH dated a few women besides me right when we started dating. He didn't tell me for years either. I just laughed...he obviously voted with his feet in the long run. Digging up bones like this makes OP sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

Op, yes, you need to live in the present where you are now. There is just no point going back.

I would have understood your need for closure and apology had he ghosted you and went back to exgf after a year of dating. But you say that it was at the very beginning, that you knew he was still in love with his ex, that after he came back all went smoothly. So I don't get it, what do you want him to apologize for? He didn't cheat on you. You want him to apologize that for him it wasn't love at first sight for you? That after he met you, he still wanted to figure out his feelings and chances with the ex? You wanted him to be brutally honest to a person he just met? Were you so smitten by him that it hurt you so much that he disappeared for a while? Or is it really your pride that was hurt more by the fact that he'd even think of ex after he met you?

Op, is your relationship and life now so without problems that you're seeking them out? Or do you feel insecure in your relationship with him now that you are channeling this insecurity back to the past? Does it bother you that had she said yes, you wouldn't be together?

Op, if it's just about the past, and you feel loved and secure now, then let it go. If something is bothering you now (not about the past), then address the present concerns head on. Don't repeat the mistake you did of not addressing the issue when it is hot and alive and coming back to it 6 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a rocky start when we started dating 6 years ago. He was in love with his ex-girlfriend he had just broken up with and he ghosted me a few times to go visit her in San Diego. At the time, when he suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, I did not know he went to go meet with/get back together with his ex. I only found out after I went through his phone a few years back and saw texts between them from that time. He has never admitted to me that he did that. When he came back and we officially got back together and started dating, we did not really talk about it. I was not ready to talk about it and assumed he'd eventually give me the apology/explanation I deserved.

Years passed by and he never mentioned it. We got engaged and married and now we keep having fights about what happened or did not happen back then. I only found out he had ghosted me to try to win her back AFTER we got together. I feel like I never really got closure for this and feel humiliated that I put myself through this and did not know better. I am also hurt that he hurt and deceived me.

Every time I bring it up my DH gets angry and says I am "time traveling." He says I need to let go of my grudge and live in the present where we are happy.

Its been 6 years. Am I crazy?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Its been 6 years. Am I crazy?

I don't like the word "crazy." You're mentally ill. Meaning, you could be diagnosed with a mental disorder if you were evaluated. This is unhealthy and destructive. You have a good chance of getting relief and improving your life, however, through cognitive behavior therapy from a clinical psychologist.

[Anonymous]

OP you are looking for trouble in an otherwise ok relationship. This means you might want out or you simply don't have enough to do with your day to day life.

I seriously agree with everyone saying let it go, because its ancient history and rocky starts are sometimes the starts to long, solid marriages. And that's fine.

Is he ghosting you and visiting her now? No. so it's done. He is with you. That really should be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your issue is that you don't trust him and you need him to come clean on exactly what happened in the past so that you can have closure and move on. It troubles you because he wasn't honest with you in the past, and your gut tells you that this may be his way to deal with things in the future--hiding what he does and refusing to come clean when confronted.

He chose to be with you. Was it because his ex wouldn't have him? Did he ever clarify that? Do you worry you're second choice? Do you worry that in future, he will build her up into a fantasy dreamgirl and it will negatively affect you? And finally, do you expect him to be honest about any of this? Because he knows that what he says can haunt you both.

How did you get through dating, becoming engaged, and then marrying without resolving this? Did you think each next step would be the proof you'd need to set it to rest? And yet here it is, still bothering you.

At this point you really shouldn't still be arguing about his ex. Why should it even come up when you argue about other things? How is it related? Is he generally untrustworthy and doing things that make you feel insecure in his feelings and commitment towards you?

Yeah, I ask a lot of questions.

I don't think she wants proof that he loves her or chose her.
I think that she wants him to express some kind of understanding of how his actions affected her and how difficult that must have been for her. His getting angry and defensive is understandable, but not particularly helpful.

[Anonymous]

What? Before you were together, but you wanted to be together and he didn't, he tried to get his ex back? 6 years later you are harping and arguing about it? Has there been any reason to think he is trying/wanting to cheat on you now? If the answer is no, then you sounds so insecure and needy, and needy and insecure is the death of anything, let alone a marriage. Also, do you not have anything else in your life to obsess over? How boring is your life? You are the problem. Try to take responsibility for your own happiness.

[Anonymous]

Get over it. Years have passed and he seems happy. Why can't you? If my DW kept raising an old GF issue I'd be really pissed.

[Anonymous]

Haven't you posted this before? At least twice actually?

[Anonymous]

Do you want to keep dwelling on the past or lose your husband because eventually this is going to build up enough resentment that it will end your marriage, so stop.

Write down all of your insecure thoughts in a journal instead of hashing it out on your husband. Six years is a LONG time. Think of how much has changed in your own life in the past six years. Give it a rest, otherwise you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Anonymous]

What you are doing is a recipe for divorce.

It doesn't matter what your DH would have said or done. You feel like you are second best and until you stop feeling that way, no matter what he says or does won't make a difference.

If you truly can't move on, level with him and tell him that you need to part ways now. At least you can divorce on somewhat amicable terms now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't you posted this before? At least twice actually?

Yup, and she still hasn't grown up, moved on and gone to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Please.
He MARRIED you.
Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

For those of you telling op to get over it - how would you feel if you were your partner'a second choice?

OP - he needs to come clean, tell the truth and sincerely apologize. This shouldn't be minimized in any way just bc he decided to marry you. That just means you were his backup. Would he be as willing to accept you if the roles were reversed? I do think after he's admitted the truth and apologized that you should move forward.