Can't seem to forgive myself or DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you telling op to get over it - how would you feel if you were your partner'a second choice?

OP - he needs to come clean, tell the truth and sincerely apologize. This shouldn't be minimized in any way just bc he decided to marry you. That just means you were his backup. Would he be as willing to accept you if the roles were reversed? I do think after he's admitted the truth and apologized that you should move forward.

If it bothered me I wouldn't marry have married him.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to tell you the truth aka what they'd tell you if you were a man asking this question instead of a woman.

Your behavior is abusive.

You bringing it up repeatedly and badgering him about it is abusive.

Stop being an abuser, get the therapy you need to deal with you own issues. Because the former girlfriend isn't the problem.
Your DH isn't the problem.
Your issues are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you telling op to get over it - how would you feel if you were your partner'a second choice?

OP - he needs to come clean, tell the truth and sincerely apologize. This shouldn't be minimized in any way just bc he decided to marry you. That just means you were his backup. Would he be as willing to accept you if the roles were reversed? I do think after he's admitted the truth and apologized that you should move forward.

She married him knowing this. If I were my partner's second choice, I would never have married him. I prefer decisive men and I feel I deserve someone who wants me only. I'd rather be alone than obsess over my man's past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you telling op to get over it - how would you feel if you were your partner'a second choice?

OP - he needs to come clean, tell the truth and sincerely apologize. This shouldn't be minimized in any way just bc he decided to marry you. That just means you were his backup. Would he be as willing to accept you if the roles were reversed? I do think after he's admitted the truth and apologized that you should move forward.

Ha! An apology isn't going to fix this. OP will claim that it will, but then it will be why didn't you apologize earlier. Why not this > Why not that and on and on and on.

OP is an unhealthy person and she's the only one who can fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a rocky start when we started dating 6 years ago. He was in love with his ex-girlfriend he had just broken up with and he ghosted me a few times to go visit her in San Diego. At the time, when he suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, I did not know he went to go meet with/get back together with his ex. I only found out after I went through his phone a few years back and saw texts between them from that time. He has never admitted to me that he did that. When he came back and we officially got back together and started dating, we did not really talk about it. I was not ready to talk about it and assumed he'd eventually give me the apology/explanation I deserved.

Years passed by and he never mentioned it. We got engaged and married and now we keep having fights about what happened or did not happen back then. I only found out he had ghosted me to try to win her back AFTER we got together. I feel like I never really got closure for this and feel humiliated that I put myself through this and did not know better. I am also hurt that he hurt and deceived me.

Every time I bring it up my DH gets angry and says I am "time traveling." He says I need to let go of my grudge and live in the present where we are happy.

Its been 6 years. Am I crazy?

This isn't about the past and you know it. You want out of this marriage, but you are to afraid to admit that to yourself and take the steps towards separation and divorce, instead you spend your time picking fights and playing the victim.
Just end it.

[Anonymous]

The only way I might be concerned is if he just randomly showed up uninvited at the ex's house.

Is the ex around in your lives in any way shape or form?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to tell you the truth aka what they'd tell you if you were a man asking this question instead of a woman.

Your behavior is abusive.

You bringing it up repeatedly and badgering him about it is abusive.

Stop being an abuser, get the therapy you need to deal with you own issues. Because the former girlfriend isn't the problem.
Your DH isn't the problem.
Your issues are the problem.

This sounds exactly what is happening to a co-worker who is being abused by her husband verbally and physically. He found communications she'd had with other men about the time they began dating. They've been married 10 years yet he keeps throwing it back in her face.

OP, I remember your other posts. You really need to get help with this. I can't understand why you continue to wallow in this rather than seeking professional help. Your behavior is irrational and will destroy your marriage. It's so very healthy for you and your husband. He, at least, deserves better.

[Anonymous]

You need to let it go. this kind of drama is going to ruin your marriage.

You kept dating him even though he was ghosting you and disappearing. You knew something was up but looked past it. I am not sure how far into your relationship this continued but it sounds like it ended before the two of you were serious. His mistake was dating while he was still dealing with the aftermath of a serious relationship. But that was 6 years ago. Of course he wanted to get back with her then. He loved her. Sounds like she didn't want the relationship and it took him a while to figure out what moving on meant.

Go to therapy. Figure out why this matters so much to you that you are willing to damage your marriage to keep harping about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is at least the second time you've posted this! You've gotten the same advice as last time, which is TO GET THERAPY. Clearly you have no interest in doing it and just want to continue to be abusive to your husband. I hope he leaves you. YOU are the problem here. YOU are the one causing issues. I don't know why you bother to keep posting, clearly you won't listen to anyone.

I hope he leaves your crazy and abusive ass. He should have stayed with his ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is at least the second time you've posted this! You've gotten the same advice as last time, which is TO GET THERAPY. Clearly you have no interest in doing it and just want to continue to be abusive to your husband. I hope he leaves you. YOU are the problem here. YOU are the one causing issues. I don't know why you bother to keep posting, clearly you won't listen to anyone.

I hope he leaves your crazy and abusive ass. He should have stayed with his ex.

NP here. When I read this, my first thought was "oh, it's THIS poster again."

She posts this all the time.

[Anonymous]

You are 100% justified in being mad however its too late to do much about it other than make it clear you are not a fool. Make it clear you would have walked if you knew it back then and will walk if you are ever played like that again in the future.

[Anonymous]

If things are great now, let it go. The fact that he had trouble at the very beginning of your relationship with him letting go of a prior relationship just tells me that he is capable to deep attachments and had not finished working through old issues when he met you. That does not mean things with you were not real or great, just that he was not fully open to it at the time. In fact, maybe the reason he felt a need to give the old girlfriend another shot was that he sensed you were special and that things could get seriously with you quickly. If he had thought in the past that the ex might be the one for him, I can see how confusion over his budding feelings for you might make him want to go back and give the ex another shot. Sometimes a fleeting desire to win someone back is part of the process of letting go once and for all.

If anything, be grateful that he went back and got himself whatever closure he needed back then. It sounds like he is fully committed to you now and has been for most of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

At least you have him. I only have a ghost.
Live your life at present.

[Anonymous]

Those of you who say you wouldn't have married if you were your husband's second choice sound very young and simple in your thinking. She may have been his second choice at one moment in time when they had just met and he already had history and unfinished business with someone else. It sounds like he later chose her first when he proposed and continues to choose her first every day that he stays committed.

How many of you were hoping to conceive a boy and got a girl, or vice versa. Did that diminish your joy when you actually got to hold the baby you actually delivered? He or she was your second choice, after all.

How many of you have ever wavered about putting in an offer on a house, then lost the bid and kicked yourself for missing out on that great opportunity, only to find a house later that was a better fit in every way? It was your second choice, but you quickly realized it was perfect.

My point is just that people make choices at different times, and not necessarily at the first opportunity. What matters is that we make them eventually and then feel good about it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP is married to the same man that another person posted about the xbf contacting her. That poster seems to think that she was the guy's first and true love even though he married another woman.