If you have two children of the same gender, how did you stop wanting the other gender?

[Anonymous]

I am due to have another boy in a few weeks. I have totally come to grips with the fact that I am having another boy but I haven't been able to completely wrap my brain around never having a little girl. I think about it quite a bit, insomuch that I am delayed having my tubes tied during my scheduled c-section. In reality, I know that we won't have another baby. We have never wanted more than two, can only afford two, and DH is very content in having two sons.

I have a terrible relationship with my mother and I have always dreamt of doing those missed 'mother/daughter' things with my daughter instead. I think about pedicures and manicures, pink princess bedrooms, first bras, prom dresses, wedding dress, helping her with her newborn, etc. and I get a little choked up.

And please don't get me wrong... I want my sons with all my heart and I know there will be tons of amazing things to do and experience with boys as well.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you stop wanting. You are human and you have these feelings -- doesn't mean they are bad or should go away. Doesn't diminish your love and care for your kids. Maybe one of your boys will bring you an awesome daughter in law who has no mom or a bad relationship with her mom and looks to you as a mom more than an in-law. How great would that be for the mother of a son? Maybe you will have granddaughters one day -- all the fun and none of the responsibility. I think your feelings are your feelings and as long as they don't negatively impact your existing children it is OK to have them and you will let them go when you can.

I have one girl and I will not be having any more children. One of the many reasons why I am having only one child is I don't want a boy. I am sure if I got over my zillion other reasons for having one and had a boy, I would think he was awesome, but I have one, she is a girl and I don't want a boy. I am sure some people think that is awful.

[Anonymous]

You will just become obsessed and smothering towards your daughters-in-law. My DH is on of 3 boys and my MIL pounced on me from day 1. It's kind of nice, since my mom doesn't live here.

[Anonymous]

What if down the road, both you and your husband unexpectedly changed your feelings about having a third child?

[Anonymous]

I am pregnant after YEARS of infertility and I REALLY want a boy - more like I REALLY wouldn't like to have a girl (I won't say "don't want" but strongly prefer a boy). My last one was a girl and I was SURE it was a boy - found out after the m/c. I have a feeling this one is a girl as well but I don't look forward for the "pink" stuff because I know one day, when she is grown up she will probably dislike me and come to a board like this to bad mouth me.

Honestly, I don't know ONE woman that doesn't have some kind of problem with her mother - and I think it is natural since women are so competitive. Some are more serious than others but still, there is always some level of complain and ungratefulness or self entailment.

Those are my reason to prefer a boy - at least for now. I would like to have a girl someday but if it doesn't happen I don’t' think I will mourn over it.

Honestly I just pray to have healthy child/ren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will just become obsessed and smothering towards your daughters-in-law. My DH is on of 3 boys and my MIL pounced on me from day 1. It's kind of nice, since my mom doesn't live here.

Ditto this. I adore my MIL and she's the one I took with me when I went wedding dress shopping! OP, I think it's ok to mourn your dream of a little girl, but it sounds like you know deep down the mother/daughter realtionship you fantasize about isn't guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

When I was pregnant with #2, I convinced myself it was a boy. I just KNEW it. Of course, being afflicted with the dreaded condition of advanced maternal age, and being the type that has to know everything, at about 16 weeks I learned definitively that it was another girl. I was bummed for a little while, and then started thinking of reasons to be glad it was another girl. By the time the baby arrived, I could not imagine it any other way.

Sometimes even now, despite my DH telling me repeatedly that he is glad we have two girls and that he really didn't want a boy, I still wonder what it would have been like to see him with a son. I play that tape in my head for about three seconds and then move on. Perhaps it is easier for me because I had kids of my gender, but I think it probably works both ways. A male colleague going through the same thing once called and relayed how devastated he and his wife were to learn that their second was another boy, so I have at least one bit of anecdotal evidence for my theory that these things work both ways.

[Anonymous]

I really really wanted to be tall, thin and rich. Eventually you come to grips with the things in life that you want but can't have.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to share that I can relate. I'm just over halfway through my second pregnancy. We decided (again) that we didn't want to know the sex in advance - one of those reasons being that if I was having another boy, I didn't want to know until I was holding him in my arms and he was truly at that point, my second little boy who I knew I would only feel love for. Well, unfortunately the tech we had slipped at our 20 wk u/s and we are about 95% sure told us that it's another boy. (We had to have another u/s on Monday and I'm looking at a sealed envelope now with a piece of paper in it confirming the sex and a picture...we haven't decided yet when or if we will open it.)

So, I've been through some of your same feelings. After a couple of weeks of feeling a bit weird about it, I'm more coming around the realization now that what is meant to be, is meant to be. And, no relationships in life are guaranteed. All humans and all relationships have their pluses and minuses and that goes for daughters and sons. My son now is the world to me and he is the sweetest thing. I think he is going to be so thrilled to have a little brother and I'm excited to see him be able to connect with a little brother. Of course having a sister would have been wonderful too, but I'm hopeful there will be something magical about watching these two boys grow up together and hopefully they'll have a great relationship. So, maybe it would help a bit to focus on your son and what this sibling will mean to him versus just being sad about what it means for you? That has helped me, at least. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP: I hope you don't mind me commenting since I have a son and daughter...I think there is something really special about brothers and sisters, not that brother and sister siblings cannot have a strong connection/bond. I love my brother dearly, but I have different, deeper relationships with my sisters. And, I grew up knowing several families with 2-4 boys only and the boys were really great friends. Families come in different shapes and sizes...how terribly boring it would be otherwise! )Perhaps you have a niece(s) you can occasionally borrow and dote on (e.g., pedicures, teas, etc.). Wishing you peace and happiness...

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't mean to hijack your post, but I have a related question. I have a friend who had a boy first and is currently pregnant with baby #2. She finds out in a couple of weeks if baby #2 is a boy/girl. She has explicitly stated that she WANTS a girl. We both had good relationships with our mothers and wanted that same experience. I had a girl before she had her son and then recently had a son, so now that i have one of each and that is what she is openly wishing for I am so nervous as to what to say if she calls to say they are having another boy.

Any suggestions on what to say to make her feel better at that moment? I think I will almost feel guilty if she doesn't get one of each alsohe asked me to hold on to DD's clothes in case she has a girl.

OP, I know you already had a boy but FWIW I had a terrible time bonding with my DD who seemed (and still does sometime) to prefer my DH. My DS however has preferred me over his daddy from day 1. We both love our kids equal, but I never thought that having a son would be so special.

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old is a complete tomboy who dresses up as a pirate, hates pink, has no idea what a tea set is, is the dad or brother when she plays house and refuses to play with any girl who is into princess stuff. I have not been able to get her to wear a dress since she was an infant...
I don´t see any manis and pedis in our future, so maybe even if you had a girl it might not be what you thought it would be.
Congratulations on your 2 sons!

[Anonymous]

OP maybe in a few years you could foster a little girl? Foster care provides a stipend and I think, child care if you work outside the home.

This could help you share your love with a little girl and goodness knows, could be a wonderful blessing to the child.

[Anonymous]

What about people like me, who would rather be a mom to one gender? I prefer one gender over the other. I won't be unhappy to have the less desired gender, but just prefer one over the other, mainly because my intersts seem to appeal more to the gender I favor. I too must agree with another poster who mentioned that same sex siblings are very special. I can attest to that with my relationship with my sister, though we are complete opposites we are super close. My brother has always been the odd man out. I'm pg with #2 (not finding out the gender) and do hope that it turns out to be the same sex as my first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe in a few years you could foster a little girl? Foster care provides a stipend and I think, child care if you work outside the home.

This could help you share your love with a little girl and goodness knows, could be a wonderful blessing to the child.

As a former foster parent this is a HUGE NO NO. They do not want anyone looking to foster a child for self-gratifying reasons in order to fill a void in your life. They make this loud and clear. I'm sorry to say this and I know your intentions are pure, but a foster child is not a doll to dress in bows and taffeda, but normally a child who often has deep emotional issues that requires foster parents who are willing to sacrifice much peace in their own lives and be willing to have it upturned for awhile while they do everthing possible to help build that child's trust in at least one human being that will not hurt them. Only in the end to often have your heart ripped off and return the child to the horrible environment knowing that they probably will get cycled through the system again.

Normally when one has gender specific requests for a foster child (again, something frowned upon) it is because they might have experience iwth their own boys or girls, not because they want to go for pedicures and shop at the mall with the little girl they always wanted.