Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
If you have two children of the same gender, how did you stop wanting the other gender?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I find this thread quite sad. I understand some posters can't "help" these feelings. But really? You have a child. It's not about YOU anymore. It's not about relationships YOU had as a child. There are pros/cons to every situations of girl-girl, boy-boy, boy and a girl, and on.
Please please please try to find the good on each one before you really do interfere with the relationships you form with your children. It will be your own self-fulfilling prophecy if you indeed do have a poor relationship eventually with the child (as many mentioned they fear.) |
Anonymous
|
OP here. I didn't mean to start a "sad" topic. I was looking for some guidance on how to, well, move on. I believe in fate and I believe that I was meant to raise two boys (although I don't know why yet). Regardless, I would not change this path had I been given the choice. I won't apologize for feeling how I feel and while I will miss not having a girl, I will never, ever regret having two sons. The thing I appreciate, aside from having healthy children, is that my boys will be brothers.
For those of you that found my inquiry appalling, I love DS1 and my life with him more than life itself. We were at a community concert tonight and DH had scooped DS in his arms so they could dance together. DS was giggling uncontrollably and beaming from ear to ear. At that moment, I looked at his beautiful face and thought about how perfect he is... I also thought about how much I couldn't wait to dance with my unborn son next summer. For those that could connect with me, I found a great article while surfing the web today: http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/fetal_development/genetics_gender/article/overcoming-gender-disappointment And yes, I've already learned that dinosaurs are really cool. 
|
Anonymous
| OP - If you aren't moving on, then get yourself some therapy. |
Anonymous
I'm 18:49 from the first page. Really, you've done a great job at capturing my feelings exactly so I really can sympathize. And while I know that there have been a couple of examples of folks being disappointed over having a girl, the majority seems to involve women having boys. I truly believe there is some value that our society - especially among women - places on having little girls/daughters. I read the article that you suggested and thought it was really great and did a wonderful job explaining that we all have this image in our minds - especially the mother/daughter relationship - that can be gone in a flash. And it's okay to grieve over that for a bit. I can also really relate to what it said about when family members, etc. are wishing for one gender and then you don't deliver - you internalize it like you've personally failed them. I know my mom was disappointed that her first grandson was not a granddaughter and is now really hoping for a granddaughter this time around. I actually dread telling her it's another boy, like I somehow failed to be a good daughter by not producing a granddaughter for her. It's silly, of course, but our feelings aren't always rational. Also, it did piss me off even more to read how one of the suggestions was to not find out the gender in advance, since that is what we tried to do specifically for this reason and that was taken away from me/us against our will. Thanks for the article. I think I'll pass it along to a friend who recently had her second boy and who I've had this conversation with, including our feelings of guilt over feeling this way and shame of expressing it to anyone. |
Anonymous
OP: I hope you get the most wonderful daughters-in-law some day and a bunch of little granddaughters, too!! In the meantime, I have no doubt you will love and cherish your little boys. All the best!
|
Anonymous
|
I have one of each. I actually wanted 2 boys. But then I was very happy that I got one of each thinking I was going to have the ultimate girl experience. And then it turned out that my son was autistic (He was only 13 months old when I got pregnant again) so I thought, wow thank god I at least have a healthy daughter. Turns out she has special needs as well. And while I love them from the bottom of my heart, wer struggle on a daily basis. So for me, wishing for a healthy baby is very much a real concept.
I don't know what it would be like to raise children without special needs. But from what I experienced when I watched my nieces, it seems easier. Perspective is everything, OP. I remind myself on a daily basis that things could have been different. At least I know that if I work hard and help my kids as much as possible, they will live a (somewhat) normal life. |
Anonymous
| Thanks for posting this OP. I can completely relate to you. Not only was I disappointed with having two boys, but my mother was as well. I have a fear that they will leave me when they are older. Also, I get jealous when I see teenage girls shopping with their mothers. Now I know everyone is going to hate hate hate me for saying this, but I have often considered having a third child through gender selection. Anyway, I do not have much more to say other than I can relate to you. |
Anonymous
Well said. And best of luck to you and your kids. |
Anonymous
|
Please know I'm not trying to be snarky. But do many of you realize that your posts commented about your own parents and their expectations?
Perhaps the answer is not in having the gender you were hoping for, but rather find ways that truly resolve the desire? Honestly, until then whether you realize it or not you're going to put unnecessary burden on the child(ren) you DO have. |
Anonymous
Not the OP, but you are very insightful. This made me tear up. I had never thought of it that way before, but you may be right. |
Anonymous
Again, not the OP, but I can also relate to this. Everything you said. Except my MIL was disappointed also (my second son was her fourth grandson, no granddaughters yet). |
Anonymous
| envision not having any more kids at all. Then you can have a better grip on the children you have and can have. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I can really empathize with you. My heart sank when I found out DC #2 was a boy. I was dumbfounded. It was supposed to be a girl. I'd had NO doubt in my mind for the past nine months. I knew it was a girl, and yet here I was fighting back tears when the sono technician said "yep, here are the testicles".
Don't get me wrong, I love both my boys more than I could ever describe, and I'm sure there's a lot of psychology going into why we yearned to have a girl. I'll read the article you posted. I think for me it has to do with recreating good baggage with my mum. She is my best friend and I had this picture in my mind of recreating a similar relationship. As a PP also noted, society puts out the mother-daughter image that is hard to avoid or want to have. Now that I have two boys, well intentioned relatives and close family friends keep asking me when we'll go for #3 so that we have a daughter, or say things like "next a daughter!" with a broad smile. Hard to move on in this environment. Of course we know how blessed we are with the children we have, but the same as some moms know their family won't be complete until they have a 3rd, or 4th, in my guts I know mine won't be complete until I have a daughter. |
Anonymous
It is absolutely okay for people to take a few minutes and mourn what isn't to be. Most will do this and move on. What is not okay is for you to make them feel bad or wrong about it. People are human. You can be frustrated or sad about something for moments of a lifetime, and still be thankful and grateful. How about showing a little tolerance? |
Anonymous
Not that poster - but I think the point is many of these posters have not mourned for only "a few minutes" and "moved on." There are children's emotions at sake here. I get that posters are disappointed and can't help it, but it's time for them to take accountability and get appropriate help in dealing with it. |