Does anyone really truly regret having a kid or kids?

[Anonymous]

Like if you could do it over differently, you would?

DH and I are on the fence about it and I wonder about this. You never hear people talking about this irl because it is so taboo. But I wondered if people might share anonymously. What are the worst case scenarios I should be considering? How tough is it really?

[Anonymous]

There's a Facebook group on this: https://www.facebook.com/IRegretHavingChildren/

[Anonymous]

Of course. Just search these boards.

[Anonymous]

If you're on the fence, please take your time to figure it out. Don't be this person - http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/650411.page

[Anonymous]

Or this person - https://www.yahoo.com/news/mom-allegedly-hands-off-2-182900883.html?.tsrc=fauxdal

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course. My son has significant special needs. It is very hard and I sometimes mourn my old life. I do not regret him being here. But I have thought about ending my life because there is no way out. I have gotten help, but it is still very, very hard.

[Anonymous]

I don't know that I regret it. I had kids to keep my husband. I am happy to have my husband. But I don't like having kids.

[Anonymous]

Love my kids so much it hurts, but I have them b/c it's what my husband wanted. I'm an introvert, and probably would have been happier without. This is exhausting.

I'd only admit this anonymously, of course.

[Anonymous]

Yes, people do regret having kids. Please do not have them unless you are 100% certain. There is no going back to your old life or your old self after you have a child.

[Anonymous]

I wanted nothing in life so much as being a mother and love them dearly, but think daily of things I can't do, am missing, or that are harder because they are here. Other things fill in instead so there's balance, but this is hard and it would be harder if I hadn't wanted them so much.

I tried to get pregnant for over a year with my second and then panicked when it happened - by then my older child was becoming easier. I even contemplated an abortion. She's here now and still an infant but has been a delight and the right choice for our family. But kids aren't for everyone.

The main things I miss are the gym, more easily going out (lack of spontaneity now), and adult vacations. Also can't really lean in at work and feel limited about what other jobs I'd consider.

Things I've gained: close bond with more people - children, husband, other mothers; more laughter; a better sense of balance and prioritizarion; an excuse to hang out at the park on a nice day; general feeling of compeltness; hope that they'll help care for me in 50 years (lol)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love my kids so much it hurts, but I have them b/c it's what my husband wanted. I'm an introvert, and probably would have been happier without. This is exhausting.

I'd only admit this anonymously, of course.

Do you ever resent your husband because you did it completely for him?

[Anonymous]

I regret having kids, and I would have regretted not having kids, but you can't have it both ways. I adore my children - they have taught me so much and I have grown so much because of them. But it is relentless work, worry, hassle, expense etc. I hear it gets easier in ways (they're three and six months).

For example, we went to the shore this weekend. It was great fun frolicking with my preschooler in the water, but the whole event was a schlep. As my husband played with our daughter in the water and I breastfed my son in the blazing heat, I noticed two girls next to me. Beautiful figures, sunning. One of them lit a joint and smoked while laying there - they literally just had the towels they were laying on and their purses, cover ups, and flip flops. I'll admit - I was jealous.

But I love family life. I love seeing my daughter grow and learn and have fun. I enjoy the hustle and bustle. It's been a huge adjustment for me - I was very independent and somewhat reckless and certainly hedonistic - but parenthood has changed me dramatically, and for the better.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wasn't sure I wanted kids, and I'm over the moon for them. Truly.

But there is absolutely no guarantee that you'd feel the same way.

And you know, maybe I'll feel differently when they are 15 & 13 instead of 2 & 3 months. I'm sure there will be times when I want to toss 'em both out the window!

I think there are some questions that might help though.

1) Is your husband truly an equal partner in your relationship, and would he continue to be that way with kids? As in, he takes as many night wakeups as you do etc.
1a) If he's unable to take on that role, do you have enough $$ to pay for needed help? Like, extended nanny hours, night nanny, yard work, house cleaning etc.

2) Are you someone that can go with the flow a bit, or do you have a very rigid idea of how things should be?

Based on these boards, the unhappy people tend to be people who have shitty partners, and they do 100% of the work, and it's strained their marriage. Also, people who have really unrealistic expectations for who their kids will / should be, and how they should behave.

This is a very hard decision. I spent a lot of time anguishing about this. In the end, I decided that I'm just not someone who is prone to regret, and that whatever decision I made, I'd find a way to make a happy life.

Good luck OP! And come back here and let us know what you decide

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course. Just search these boards.

Yep. This topic is probably more common than the SAHM vs WOHM debate.

Pretty much, it's the instant lifestyle change that makes parents resentful. Some handle the change better than others. That's the difference.

[Anonymous]

I did not want children. My husband did so we had one child. I think that is the key for us. I do not regret for a moment having her. In fact, I thank God every day that I met my husband and he insisted that becoming a Dad was a non-negotiable for him.