Does anyone really truly regret having a kid or kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret having kids, and I would have regretted not having kids, but you can't have it both ways. I adore my children - they have taught me so much and I have grown so much because of them. But it is relentless work, worry, hassle, expense etc. I hear it gets easier in ways (they're three and six months).

This is very well said. I really miss my old life, and DH and I would have been very happy without kids. I think I would have regretted it more if we didn't though, particularly when they are older and we are retired, which is why we had two. An heir and a spare. I adore my kids, but every day is a battle, inconvenience, hassle, no-personal-time, exhaustion inc.,

[Anonymous]

Yes, some people do regret it - the decision, the person they had the child with...plenty of possibilities there.

IMO exhaustion is the main thing that makes it so tough, pending health/development issues. There is no support for new parents and the sleep deprivation and stress can really take a toll. Parents I talk to who don't seem phased by having little kids usually have family they can easily call on for support, or flexible jobs, extra money to spend on hired help, or they're lying. And in some cases, just really easy babies that sleep well on their own and don't cry excessively (they all hit a hellbeast phase at some point, though!). Without one or more of those elements it will be some variation of tough, at least the first year or two.

[Anonymous]

I am absolutely exhausted, but I love having a son. I didn't have him until I was 42 and I regret nothing. I lived my 20s and 30s doing whatever I wanted and it was great, but nothing beats this, I love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wasn't sure I wanted kids, and I'm over the moon for them. Truly.

But there is absolutely no guarantee that you'd feel the same way.

And you know, maybe I'll feel differently when they are 15 & 13 instead of 2 & 3 months. I'm sure there will be times when I want to toss 'em both out the window!

I think there are some questions that might help though.

1) Is your husband truly an equal partner in your relationship, and would he continue to be that way with kids? As in, he takes as many night wakeups as you do etc.
1a) If he's unable to take on that role, do you have enough $$ to pay for needed help? Like, extended nanny hours, night nanny, yard work, house cleaning etc.

2) Are you someone that can go with the flow a bit, or do you have a very rigid idea of how things should be?

Based on these boards, the unhappy people tend to be people who have shitty partners, and they do 100% of the work, and it's strained their marriage. Also, people who have really unrealistic expectations for who their kids will / should be, and how they should behave.

This is a very hard decision. I spent a lot of time anguishing about this. In the end, I decided that I'm just not someone who is prone to regret, and that whatever decision I made, I'd find a way to make a happy life.

Good luck OP! And come back here and let us know what you decide

Or the parenting lifestyle is simply not what they wanted, but they didn't stop to realize it before it was too late. Or felt societal/familiar pressures, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret having kids, and I would have regretted not having kids, but you can't have it both ways. I adore my children - they have taught me so much and I have grown so much because of them. But it is relentless work, worry, hassle, expense etc. I hear it gets easier in ways (they're three and six months).

This is very well said. I really miss my old life, and DH and I would have been very happy without kids. I think I would have regretted it more if we didn't though, particularly when they are older and we are retired, which is why we had two. An heir and a spare. I adore my kids, but every day is a battle, inconvenience, hassle, no-personal-time, exhaustion inc.,

This.

[Anonymous]

Some people obviously do or there wouldn't be so many cases of infanticide, or children dying in hot cars.

But personally, no, never regretted it for a second, not even when up at 3am cleaning up the vomit from the top of the bunk all over the room and the room next door from the other sick kid.

[Anonymous]

I don't regret it but it's very hard. Higher highs and lower lows than pre-kids. To me, the very intense phases of parenting are a season of life and not that long in the perspective of your entire life. It's a beyond major, life-altering experience and the love I have for them is like nothing I've ever felt. The experience has tested me and pushed me in ways I couldn't have imagined.

But nope, no regrets.

[Anonymous]

You need to ask people with older kids this question, not people with young kids.

[Anonymous]

I regretted having kids after my first. I had horrible PPD, and my whole life had changed -- I was suddenly staying a home with a baby who did not seem to fit any of the information I read about and did not seem terribly attached to me. I didn't know what I was doing, I was super insecure as a parent, and my kid had a few minor but stressful medical issues. I was super Type A and very success-driven, and I felt like a miserable failure because it felt like I had no control over anything in my life and was not achieving success in any way.

I got on meds and learned a lot during the first 2 years about what it meant to be a parent. By age 1, I was enjoying my kid a lot more finally but still pretty on the fence about whether I had ruined my life by having kids or not. By age 2, I felt confident as a parent and pretty satisfied with my life. I had another kid and am now very happy with my life.

I'm still a SAHM and sometimes desperately miss work and the life I used to have. I used to travel all over and lived abroad -- had amazing experiences and a job I felt proud of. I intend to go back to work again in a few years but know it won't ever be quite the same. That makes me sad, but I also recognize that I don't entirely want it to be the same. I'm very happy with the life I live and the time I spend with my kids, and I wouldn't trade that for the alternative. I know that I would have been miserable by this point if I hadn't had kids -- I could have slept in and done what I wanted whenever I wanted to, and perhaps I would have "achieved" more in a tangible way, but I would have felt a gap that would have only grown each year without kids. I know that others don't all feel this way, and I don't mean to suggest that all people should have kids to feel fulfilled. I'm just saying that I personally wouldn't have been happy. I also know that I couldn't have appreciated how awesome it would be to sleep in and do whatever I wanted because I wouldn't have even known the opposite!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret having kids, and I would have regretted not having kids, but you can't have it both ways. I adore my children - they have taught me so much and I have grown so much because of them. But it is relentless work, worry, hassle, expense etc. I hear it gets easier in ways (they're three and six months).

This is very well said. I really miss my old life, and DH and I would have been very happy without kids. I think I would have regretted it more if we didn't though, particularly when they are older and we are retired, which is why we had two. An heir and a spare. I adore my kids, but every day is a battle, inconvenience, hassle, no-personal-time, exhaustion inc.,

This.

Pretty much spot-on (except maybe the "heir and spare" part)

[Anonymous]

Sort of, but not for the reasons discussed here.
I didn't really anticipate that my children would inherit my husband's mental health and personality challenges. Now I suspect they have and I feel bad for the challenges they will face. I'm also really worried about climate change and a general sense of American decline in the world marketplace so I'm worried for the future that they will face. What will this world look like in their old age? I'm really afraid it will be very hot, with food shortages and a worldwide refugee crisis. It makes me sad to think of them growing old in that world, not knowing what kinds of a social safety net there will be for them.

[Anonymous]

I love my child so much it hurts. But I have PTSD from the horrible PPD I suffered. I lost my job as an airline pilot over it. I don't exist anymore as a person, just an empty shell.

The only thing that makes it ok is hugging him every nihgt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people obviously do or there wouldn't be so many cases of infanticide, or children dying in hot cars.

But personally, no, never regretted it for a second, not even when up at 3am cleaning up the vomit from the top of the bunk all over the room and the room next door from the other sick kid.

Ugh you made it sound like those cases are deliberate. I don't think ppl leave their kids in the car because they regret having them!

[Anonymous]

I have baby twins and I have never felt so much damn joy in my entire life. Pregnancy and this first year were the hardest things I've ever done and I consider myself to be pretty damn tough and resilient. Sometimes I shed tears just singing to them or playing with them because a feeling of happiness overwhelms me. So it's hard and unrelenting but worth it. I just hope we all survive the teenage stage and then I have lovey adult children on the other side of it.

[Anonymous]

I was in the fence and remained that way while pregnant. I was pretty sure I might have been ruining my life. When he was born, a single tear rolled down my cheek because I was scared and thought this might be terrible.

He is my most favorite human. He has made my life richer in every single way. I would trade any single day of my old life for an extra with him. I'm so glad I didn't miss this kid.