Asexual

[Anonymous]

What does an asexual man really look like, describe him.
I think my boyfriend is asexual.

Zero interest in it, only does it out of obligation. He says nothing is a "turn on" to him.

Is that asexual?

[Anonymous]

More likely that he was abused, gay, or both.

[Anonymous]

DTMFA

He's a loser

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you asking what a generic "asexual man looks like"? Your boyfriend is an individual, and hearing strangers tell you their ideas of what an asexual man is like means nothing. What is HE like?

You are going to get the kinds of idiot answers like the "dump him" one above, with all the deep thought they involve. Do you really want to trust your relationship's future to those kinds of responses?

He might be gay, or asexual. That's entirely possible. But if you and he are in a serious relationship, you owe it t yourself, him and the relationship to dig deeper and help him, if you want to have sex that isn't an obligation.

Please be open to the idea that there could be many issues besides closeted homosexuality or asexuality that could be causing his lack of interest in sex.

Depression absolutely can kill sex drive. If you think, "Oh, he never acts sad or down, so he can't be depressed," you need to understand that depression does not always cause the person to act "sad" outwardly. Or if he has an exceptionally stressful job or other intense stress in his life, that also can kill off drive. Or he could have been sexually abused when younger, which would definitely call for him to get serious therapy to work through that--for his own sake and for the sake of your relationship. Or if he is on medication for any reason (psychiatric meds, pain meds, meds for a chronic condition or illness, etc.), one side effect of many medications is that they reduce sex drive, sometimes drastically. In terms of drugs rather than medications: If he smokes marijuana, be aware that for some users, especially heavy users, weed can affect sex drive.

If you and he are in a relationship, you should be able to have an open, adult discussion about this.Have you talked with him about why he never feels aroused? If you have and his reply is, "I don't know why," you need to talk again -- not once but as an ongoing conversation-- and work through the possibilities like depression, abuse, meds, drugs, and sexual orientation. It may get difficult and painful for you because you need to get him to think and talk about whether he has always been this way, or if he was able to feel aroused and sexual with past girlfriends and this is a change to his past self.

I really would consider getting couples therapy because sometimes it helps to have a third-party professional guiding you in tough discussions. If your relationship is a real and serious one there is work you both have to do if you want more than obligatory sex. But even more than sex (yeah, there are some aspects of life that are more important than sex, despite what much of DCUM believes)--he has something going on in his past or his mind that is separating the two of you and making him unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you asking what a generic "asexual man looks like"? Your boyfriend is an individual, and hearing strangers tell you their ideas of what an asexual man is like means nothing. What is HE like?

You are going to get the kinds of idiot answers like the "dump him" one above, with all the deep thought they involve. Do you really want to trust your relationship's future to those kinds of responses?

He might be gay, or asexual. That's entirely possible. But if you and he are in a serious relationship, you owe it t yourself, him and the relationship to dig deeper and help him, if you want to have sex that isn't an obligation.

Please be open to the idea that there could be many issues besides closeted homosexuality or asexuality that could be causing his lack of interest in sex.

Depression absolutely can kill sex drive. If you think, "Oh, he never acts sad or down, so he can't be depressed," you need to understand that depression does not always cause the person to act "sad" outwardly. Or if he has an exceptionally stressful job or other intense stress in his life, that also can kill off drive. Or he could have been sexually abused when younger, which would definitely call for him to get serious therapy to work through that--for his own sake and for the sake of your relationship. Or if he is on medication for any reason (psychiatric meds, pain meds, meds for a chronic condition or illness, etc.), one side effect of many medications is that they reduce sex drive, sometimes drastically. In terms of drugs rather than medications: If he smokes marijuana, be aware that for some users, especially heavy users, weed can affect sex drive.

If you and he are in a relationship, you should be able to have an open, adult discussion about this.Have you talked with him about why he never feels aroused? If you have and his reply is, "I don't know why," you need to talk again -- not once but as an ongoing conversation-- and work through the possibilities like depression, abuse, meds, drugs, and sexual orientation. It may get difficult and painful for you because you need to get him to think and talk about whether he has always been this way, or if he was able to feel aroused and sexual with past girlfriends and this is a change to his past self.

I really would consider getting couples therapy because sometimes it helps to have a third-party professional guiding you in tough discussions. If your relationship is a real and serious one there is work you both have to do if you want more than obligatory sex. But even more than sex (yeah, there are some aspects of life that are more important than sex, despite what much of DCUM believes)--he has something going on in his past or his mind that is separating the two of you and making him unhappy.

Hi, this is the OP. He is happy. He is very happy. He is completely happy with how life is. This situation doesn't seem to phase him. It talks about it matter of factly. We have talked extensively, and I still can't figure out the situation or how to improve it. So, I was wondering what an asexual person typically "looks like" to determine if that is it. Here's some info that I know from my conversations with him:

-He is currently 38
-He started having sex at 17.
-He said he had a high drive in his 20's and had a lot of sex
-His drive cooled down considerably around 32-33
-He said that he is low drive right now, with no interest in sex and is fine being that way
-He has tried porn to turn himself on (that doesn't work)
-When he does masturbate, he said it takes him 30+minutes
-He said that he has never been sexually abused, no traumatic experiences
-He takes a medication for anxiety
-He has ed. Very difficult getting an erection.
-He will not try Viagra.
-He has low T but will not take medication for that
-I asked him what he needed me to do to help, he said that what I already do is fine
-He has such little interest in sex that he barely touches me. It's always with me prompting, and I can tell he's not into it.
-He said that he can't think of anything that is a turn on to him to even get him in the mood.

Ask me questions and I'm happy to answer them. With all that he has told me, I was just wondering if he is asexual, but I don't really know what that is, besides the textbook definition. I love him he is a great person. I don't want to give up on him. He everything else is great with us. He has brought up my patience with him, and that he sees a future with me. I want to help him if I can. I really do. I would love to see a future with him and if the sexual issue wasn't in the picture I absolutely could see a future with him. I have NEVER gone through this situation every in any relationship I have been in.

[Anonymous]

you said it yourself he is low t
He needs to take test for health reasons which in turn will increase his desire considerably.
Once he has the desire if he still has ED, he will want to take viagra

[ddintysons]

He is currently 38
-He started having sex at 17.
-He said he had a high drive in his 20's and had a lot of sex
-His drive cooled down considerably around 32-33
-He said that he is low drive right now, with no interest in sex and is fine being that way
-He has tried porn to turn himself on (that doesn't work)
-When he does masturbate, he said it takes him 30+minutes
-He said that he has never been sexually abused, no traumatic experiences
-He takes a medication for anxiety
-He has ed. Very difficult getting an erection.
-He will not try Viagra.
-He has low T but will not take medication for that
-I asked him what he needed me to do to help, he said that what I already do is fine
-He has such little interest in sex that he barely touches me. It's always with me prompting, and I can tell he's not into it.
-He said that he can't think of anything that is a turn on to him to even get him in the mood.

Both of the bolded items can have a huge impact on his sex drive. However, if he does not see it as a problem he will not get help for it.

Have considered a relationship where you saw other another man just for sex? This does not sound like something you are looking for. However, if sex is important to you but not him, it might work.

[Anonymous]

Eh who knows if he is technically asexual but it is a low enough drive that it might as well be.

If he is aware of his low T but won't go on TRT - which definitely fixes it - then there's nothing you can do. He has to see it as enough of a problem to take the necessary steps, and right now he doesn't.

I highly doubt he was not abused in some way.

Have considered a relationship where you saw other another man just for sex?

Why would she want to do that? Go find a man with a higher drive and make a clean break with this guy. He needs time alone to work on himself anyway.

[Anonymous]

Yes he's asexual by definition If he has low T and won't take medication it's not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend has physical conditions (low T and ED and taking meds for other things) that have rendered him asexual. Those can be addressed with meds. He's unable to deal with the situation emotionally, so he's not.

The question is why isn't he jumping at the chance to fix this?

[Anonymous]

But it could also be that's just the way he is, like some other people, and all the meds and treatments won't change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your boyfriend has physical conditions (low T and ED and taking meds for other things) that have rendered him asexual. Those can be addressed with meds. He's unable to deal with the situation emotionally, so he's not.

The question is why isn't he jumping at the chance to fix this?

This is the earlier PP at 10:43. The issue is that he is happy in every way, OP says-- but he refuses to get help for TWO utterly treatable medical conditions that affect not only him but also the GF he says he loves.

OP, why does he refuse medical help for two, not uncommon, easily treated medical conditions? He is willing to accept treatment and meds for his anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your boyfriend has physical conditions (low T and ED and taking meds for other things) that have rendered him asexual. Those can be addressed with meds. He's unable to deal with the situation emotionally, so he's not.

The question is why isn't he jumping at the chance to fix this?

This is the earlier PP at 10:43. The issue is that he is happy in every way, OP says-- but he refuses to get help for TWO utterly treatable medical conditions that affect not only him but also the GF he says he loves.

OP, why does he refuse medical help for two, not uncommon, easily treated medical conditions? He is willing to accept treatment and meds for his anxiety. This is Op. I don't know. I've asked him and he says he's not taking more medicine.

[Anonymous]

Op, have you gained weight or cut your hair off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you gained weight or cut your hair off?

This is Op. Neither, I am in very good shape and have long wavy hair.