Do I bring it up or let it go?

[Anonymous]

Quick little family history before I get into the post. I grew up in a big family, with 5 siblings and about 7 cousins (4 on my moms side, 3 on my dads). Most of us are married and have kids, and most of us all live within 2 hours of each other. As a family we are all really close, no major family drama,and we all tend to see each other a couple times a month, and theres usually a niece or nephews birthday once a month.

So this drama pretty much revolves around my nieces and my DD. My DD is 16, one of my nieces is 14 (my sisters daughter), another is 19 (my cousins daughter), and the eldest is 24 (another cousins daughter).

DD16 and N14 are very close, we live about 10 minutes away from each other and see each other often. DD16 and N19 are kind of close, they briefly worked at the same retail job together and get along. DD16 is not as close with N24, but they do hang out as a group since all 4 of them tend to stick together during family gatherings.
N19 and N24 are the closest as they are the 2 oldest ‘kids’ out of the family.
N19, N24, and N14 are pretty close too as both of the eldest nieces tend to babysit N14 and her sister who is 5 about once a week,

There is a popular teen TV show filmed in our area, and on that show the characters often chill out in a diner, which is about 45 minutes away from where we live. My DD saw on N19’s snapchat story that she went to the diner tonight with N14 and N24. DD was reluctant to tell me about it, but after dinner she was sulking around and eventually showed me the snapchat story. She was kind of bitter at first saying stuff like ‘I introduced N14 to the show, why wouldn’t she invite me?” And just an hour ago she asked if I could take her and her friends with her to the diner on the weekend. She’s kind of a mix of bitter and upset right now, and she was having trouble falling asleep.

The 3 nieces are way more social and outgoing, while DD is a little more reserved and quiet, and while DD often gets left out of social activities with peers at school, being left out with her cousins seems to have affected her way more than it usually does.

I’m wondering what you guys would do in this situation? I don’t know if I should let my sister and cousins know, as the nieces probably planned this themselves. Do I bring it up to my nieces? I know DD won’t say anything to her cousins because she is really non-confrontational, but this whole event is really bringing her down.

I guess it's one thing to be left out by peers at school, and another to be left out by family members that you grew up with.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should do anything, OP. I'm sorry, that's a sucky situation for your DD, but you can't force the cousins to include her anymore than you can force classmates to hang out. And saying something to your sister/cousins will just make it awkward for everyone.

Let DD sulk a bit but try to have her plan some fun things to do with her cousins that she can invite them to.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, but I have to say that apart from telling your DD that she is overreacting, there is nothing to handle at all. I wouldn't say anything to anybody since nobody did a single wrong thing.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP's, just a quick reality check that it's no ones fault and my DD is just going to have to sulk for a little bit.

What I did find out is by reading DD's text messages (I take her phone away every night and do weekly checks) about 4 days ago she was the one to ask if they wanted to go to the diner together, all the nieces agreed and said that it would be fun and they should go sometime this week.

That makes more sense as to why DD was more upset than usual. It's still no ones fault - I think making pancakes for breakfast tomorrow might cheer her up a bit!

[Anonymous]

I think by 16 your DD should not need her texts read by her mother. She needs to develop coping skills. Life has disappointments. She should use this situation as an opportunity to figure out her coping skills. Let HER decide to make pancakes to make herself feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP's, just a quick reality check that it's no ones fault and my DD is just going to have to sulk for a little bit.

What I did find out is by reading DD's text messages (I take her phone away every night and do weekly checks) about 4 days ago she was the one to ask if they wanted to go to the diner together, all the nieces agreed and said that it would be fun and they should go sometime this week.

That makes more sense as to why DD was more upset than usual. It's still no ones fault - I think making pancakes for breakfast tomorrow might cheer her up a bit!

She suggested it and they went without her? And the posted about it?

I think that is mean. Granted, we could still be missing some details.

I'm not sure what you do about it, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP's, just a quick reality check that it's no ones fault and my DD is just going to have to sulk for a little bit.

What I did find out is by reading DD's text messages (I take her phone away every night and do weekly checks) about 4 days ago she was the one to ask if they wanted to go to the diner together, all the nieces agreed and said that it would be fun and they should go sometime this week.

That makes more sense as to why DD was more upset than usual. It's still no ones fault - I think making pancakes for breakfast tomorrow might cheer her up a bit!

She suggested it and they went without her? And the posted about it?

I think that is mean. Granted, we could still be missing some details.

I'm not sure what you do about it, though.

A similar thing happened to me as an adult and though I didn't say it do anything about it, my feelings were hurt bc I realized it was a deliberate exclusion.

Is there any reason to think they deliberately left her out? Or could it have been a last minute thing they decided to do. Would it have been easy for dd to join them?

[Anonymous]

Stop reading her texts! Yikes. You say she is often left out by her peers. So it sounds like she doesn't have a busy social life. Sounds like she is unlikely to get into trouble. Why read her texts? Why are you taking away the phone from a kid with a minimal social life? I know this isn't what your original post is about but do NOT read her texts. That's the equivalent of having your mom read your diary.

I don't know the whole story of how you got in the habit of that and why. But reading her texts on a routine basis? No.

- mom of three college daughters who were once your DD's age and whose texts I didn't read (and one was a really "difficult" teen during those years with a lot of social messes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she was the one to ask if they wanted to go to the diner together, all the nieces agreed and said that it would be fun and they should go sometime this week.

So your DD needs to be able to say to them, "I was really disappointed that you went to the diner without me." And then she needs to find a more reliable group of friends to do those sorts of things with. Just because they are cousins doesn't make them friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she was the one to ask if they wanted to go to the diner together, all the nieces agreed and said that it would be fun and they should go sometime this week.

So your DD needs to be able to say to them, "I was really disappointed that you went to the diner without me." And then she needs to find a more reliable group of friends to do those sorts of things with. Just because they are cousins doesn't make them friends.

I agree with this. Your original question was, what should you do. You don't do anything- it's up to your DD and her cousins to work this out. I do think that the cousins were mean if your DD was the one to suggest going to the diner and then they went without her. But unfortunately it's for her to figure out. I think she can say something to them, along the lines of what PP suggested above. Being excluded is a part of life unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for your DD. It hurts when your friends purposely leave you out, and she suggested going. She needs better friends. Of course, you can't say anything to neices or their mothrs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she was the one to ask if they wanted to go to the diner together, all the nieces agreed and said that it would be fun and they should go sometime this week.

So your DD needs to be able to say to them, "I was really disappointed that you went to the diner without me." And then she needs to find a more reliable group of friends to do those sorts of things with. Just because they are cousins doesn't make them friends.

I agree with this. Your original question was, what should you do. You don't do anything- it's up to your DD and her cousins to work this out. I do think that the cousins were mean if your DD was the one to suggest going to the diner and then they went without her. But unfortunately it's for her to figure out. I think she can say something to them, along the lines of what PP suggested above. Being excluded is a part of life unfortunately.

I'm sorry she was left out...I know it's hard for you to see her upset like this, and I would've been hurt, too, if I were her. PPs are right that you absolutely can't bring it up with your nieces or their parents. 100% no way. BUT you can say something to validate her feelings like "I know you were so disappointed/hurt/etc" (as you may have already) and if she wants advice, you can tell her what PP said above, or maybe she can say to them "I thought we were all going together! What happened?"

Congrats on having the kind of relationship with your 16 year old where she lets you know when and why she's upset about things with friends! It's good that she feels like she can be honest with you about her feelings.

[Anonymous]

PS from 00:08 that it could help to acknowledge (to yourself only) YOUR feelings if you haven't already...that you feel upset and disappointed that they left your daughter out. (I would, too!) I hope the pancakes helped

[Anonymous]

FTR, I think you are fine reading her texts. Who are the PPs telling you to stop? Have they not taken Parenting 101?

[Anonymous]

She needs to learn how to deal with these things by herself, and you need to let her. Her social skills won't get any better if you try to fix things for her.