Teenage Brother Yet to Call or Acknowledge My 4 mo Baby's Birth

[Anonymous]

I have a 17 yo brother. He lives with the rest of my family in Massachusetts (where I grew up). I had a baby about four months ago. My mom and sister (9 yo) drove down for the birth, but my brother needed to go to class - I was of course supportive of that. However, he never called. Never texted. Never messaged. Nothing. I texted him a picture of my son a couple of weeks after he was born, hoping to goad him into a conversation, and he replied with an "aw". THAT'S IT.

Some background - our father (long out of picture) was (is? who knows) a drug addict, is abusive, and because he was never around or lucid I essentially raised my brother for a good chunk of his youth while my mother worked multiple jobs. I eventually put myself through college, traveled pretty extensively, and now in my late twenties have a great career, loving partner, and new baby. One of my biggest motivators getting to where I am today was the hope that I could open up some doors for my siblings and make it easier for them than it was for me. But - my brother rejects the idea of college, insisted on going to a technical high school for a landscaping program, and doesn't feel the need to take the SATs or challenge himself academically in any way. He considers himself a "country boy" (even though he lives in Massachusetts ). I'll admit that all of these things have led to a strained relationship for the past few years. Whenever I see him or talk to him, I try to encourage him to focus more on school and dream bigger (i.e. get the hell out of our hometown), mainly because I know that no one else does that for him; no matter how subtle I am, though, he takes it as a lecture and shuts down. So we don't talk as much anymore. In fact, ever since he came out (which I was thrilled about) and has been with his current boyfriend (who I am not thrilled about), he has been pretty much ignoring everyone.

I get that a lot of this is him being an angsty teenager. I really do. But my son? His first nephew? I mean, the fact that my brother can't pick up the phone to so much as acknowledge my son's existence REALLY F*CKING HURTS. So does the fact that my mother brushes it off and gives him a pass, claiming that she thinks he's too embarrassed now by the time that has passed to talk to me.

Am I being petty by not taking the high road and breaking the ice on this conversation with my brother? I'm just still so angry with him right now that I can't imagine the conversation going well.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps some interest in him as a person and his interests and aspirations would go along way. Trying to beat him into the person you want him to be or your expectation that he be like you is only going to further push him away.

You said that since he wouldn't have the only conversation you wanted to have, that you have nothing to talk about. Yet now that you have a baby, you want to again dictate what he is to talk about.

You need to let go of your need to control him. He is 17. Likely if you start treating him with respect and as his own person, you will begin to mend the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 yo brother. He lives with the rest of my family in Massachusetts (where I grew up). I had a baby about four months ago. My mom and sister (9 yo) drove down for the birth, but my brother needed to go to class - I was of course supportive of that. However, he never called. Never texted. Never messaged. Nothing. I texted him a picture of my son a couple of weeks after he was born, hoping to goad him into a conversation, and he replied with an "aw". THAT'S IT.

Some background - our father (long out of picture) was (is? who knows) a drug addict, is abusive, and because he was never around or lucid I essentially raised my brother for a good chunk of his youth while my mother worked multiple jobs. I eventually put myself through college, traveled pretty extensively, and now in my late twenties have a great career, loving partner, and new baby. One of my biggest motivators getting to where I am today was the hope that I could open up some doors for my siblings and make it easier for them than it was for me. But - my brother rejects the idea of college, insisted on going to a technical high school for a landscaping program, and doesn't feel the need to take the SATs or challenge himself academically in any way. He considers himself a "country boy" (even though he lives in Massachusetts ). I'll admit that all of these things have led to a strained relationship for the past few years. Whenever I see him or talk to him, I try to encourage him to focus more on school and dream bigger (i.e. get the hell out of our hometown), mainly because I know that no one else does that for him; no matter how subtle I am, though, he takes it as a lecture and shuts down. So we don't talk as much anymore. In fact, ever since he came out (which I was thrilled about) and has been with his current boyfriend (who I am not thrilled about), he has been pretty much ignoring everyone.

I get that a lot of this is him being an angsty teenager. I really do. But my son? His first nephew? I mean, the fact that my brother can't pick up the phone to so much as acknowledge my son's existence REALLY F*CKING HURTS. So does the fact that my mother brushes it off and gives him a pass, claiming that she thinks he's too embarrassed now by the time that has passed to talk to me.

Am I being petty by not taking the high road and breaking the ice on this conversation with my brother? I'm just still so angry with him right now that I can't imagine the conversation going well.

You sound super pushy and need to evaluate your boundaries with him. Perhaps respect him for his decisions instead of pushing your own ideas of what is best for him. The boyfriend thing too. Really? Back off and stop forcing your opinions on him. I think it is weird and rude that he couldn't say congrats to you for the birth of your child, but maybe it's a sign that things between you guys are more strained than you think.

[Anonymous]

If I were him and in his situation, I wouldn't exactly be dying to call you.

He sounds a little immature, and reading between the lines, you have made it clear to him that you disapprove of his boyfriend and his other choices in life. So he's probably not comfortable talking to you in general right now. How is it surprising that he hasn't congratulated you on the baby? He's 17-- he has no clue what it means to have a baby, and if he's like most 17-year-olds, he's pretty self-absorbed.

Instead of waiting for him to congratulate you, why not just pick up the phone and have a normal conversation with him-- a conversation in which you don't lecture him, or try to convince him to do something else with his life. Just a normal, non-pressurey conversation to see how he's doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some interest in him as a person and his interests and aspirations would go along way. Trying to beat him into the person you want him to be or your expectation that he be like you is only going to further push him away.

You said that since he wouldn't have the only conversation you wanted to have, that you have nothing to talk about. Yet now that you have a baby, you want to again dictate what he is to talk about.

You need to let go of your need to control him. He is 17. Likely if you start treating him with respect and as his own person, you will begin to mend the relationship.

OP will hopefully learn a lot about how much control anyone has over anyone else now that she is a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 yo brother. He lives with the rest of my family in Massachusetts (where I grew up). I had a baby about four months ago. My mom and sister (9 yo) drove down for the birth, but my brother needed to go to class - I was of course supportive of that. However, he never called. Never texted. Never messaged. Nothing. I texted him a picture of my son a couple of weeks after he was born, hoping to goad him into a conversation, and he replied with an "aw". THAT'S IT.

Some background - our father (long out of picture) was (is? who knows) a drug addict, is abusive, and because he was never around or lucid I essentially raised my brother for a good chunk of his youth while my mother worked multiple jobs. I eventually put myself through college, traveled pretty extensively, and now in my late twenties have a great career, loving partner, and new baby. One of my biggest motivators getting to where I am today was the hope that I could open up some doors for my siblings and make it easier for them than it was for me. But - my brother rejects the idea of college, insisted on going to a technical high school for a landscaping program, and doesn't feel the need to take the SATs or challenge himself academically in any way. He considers himself a "country boy" (even though he lives in Massachusetts ). I'll admit that all of these things have led to a strained relationship for the past few years. Whenever I see him or talk to him, I try to encourage him to focus more on school and dream bigger (i.e. get the hell out of our hometown), mainly because I know that no one else does that for him; no matter how subtle I am, though, he takes it as a lecture and shuts down. So we don't talk as much anymore. In fact, ever since he came out (which I was thrilled about) and has been with his current boyfriend (who I am not thrilled about), he has been pretty much ignoring everyone.

I get that a lot of this is him being an angsty teenager. I really do. But my son? His first nephew? I mean, the fact that my brother can't pick up the phone to so much as acknowledge my son's existence REALLY F*CKING HURTS. So does the fact that my mother brushes it off and gives him a pass, claiming that she thinks he's too embarrassed now by the time that has passed to talk to me.

Am I being petty by not taking the high road and breaking the ice on this conversation with my brother? I'm just still so angry with him right now that I can't imagine the conversation going well.

THis is probably true. Why don't you just call him? Use your big sister voice.

YOu: Ryan, WTF, you can't call your sister and say congrats on you new nephew. You are such an A$$hole!

Ryan (Also know as your brother): "Aw Melissa, Sorry" I've been so busy being a teenage Asshole. I mean to call, you know how it is...getting high and drinking every weekend! Anyway how's the little guy?"

The you all start talking like usual. Just call him. Be the the big sister you are.

[Anonymous]

Short answer. Get over yourself.

Long answer do you really think a 17-year-old boy is going to call you and chat for hours about a baby? Really?

Do you really think someone you constantly criticize is going to want to talk to you about anything?

[Anonymous]

There are rural areas in MA. Maybe his idea of traveling is to work on a farm in New Hampshire. You can't shove your dreams for someone down their throat. Let him have HIS dreams.

My teenage daughter is a lovely, well-meaning girl. But teenagers are self-absorbed and sometimes I have to remind her when we meet up after school/work to say "how was your day?" or other niceties. Being angry and holding a grudge is unproductive. So just call him and say "Hey Jack, how's it going? I'm good - let me tell you about the baby! He's 4 months and starting to smile and get happy when he sees people he recognizes. Want to come out here and visit for a weekend so you can meet your nephew?" Nudge him in the direction you want him to go.

[Anonymous]

You're wrong here.

Most of the teens I knew or know now don't get the whole baby thing.
Also, children who live at home (even older teens) think that many social obligations can be fulfilled by the head of the family, and that they are associated with whatever the head of the family does.
Additionally, teens are in a very self-centered period of their lives.
It gets worse if the teen in person is socially clueless, and male.

So calm down.

I would call him, and in the conversation, explain matter-of-factly (without getting a tone!) that he should have called personally to congratulate you and ask after your health and that of the baby, because that is what grown-ups do. That you are telling him this because you were waiting for such a call, and that you don't want him to appear to others like an unfeeling clueless person in the future.

Since you are the eldest, be prepared for the hard work of the pioneer. He will fail to acknowledge your milestones because he can't yet relate, but may expect you to understand his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 17 yo brother. He lives with the rest of my family in Massachusetts (where I grew up). I had a baby about four months ago. My mom and sister (9 yo) drove down for the birth, but my brother needed to go to class - I was of course supportive of that. However, he never called. Never texted. Never messaged. Nothing. I texted him a picture of my son a couple of weeks after he was born, hoping to goad him into a conversation, and he replied with an "aw". THAT'S IT.

Some background - our father (long out of picture) was (is? who knows) a drug addict, is abusive, and because he was never around or lucid I essentially raised my brother for a good chunk of his youth while my mother worked multiple jobs. I eventually put myself through college, traveled pretty extensively, and now in my late twenties have a great career, loving partner, and new baby. One of my biggest motivators getting to where I am today was the hope that I could open up some doors for my siblings and make it easier for them than it was for me. But - my brother rejects the idea of college, insisted on going to a technical high school for a landscaping program, and doesn't feel the need to take the SATs or challenge himself academically in any way. He considers himself a "country boy" (even though he lives in Massachusetts ). I'll admit that all of these things have led to a strained relationship for the past few years. Whenever I see him or talk to him, I try to encourage him to focus more on school and dream bigger (i.e. get the hell out of our hometown), mainly because I know that no one else does that for him; no matter how subtle I am, though, he takes it as a lecture and shuts down. So we don't talk as much anymore. In fact, ever since he came out (which I was thrilled about) and has been with his current boyfriend (who I am not thrilled about), he has been pretty much ignoring everyone.

I get that a lot of this is him being an angsty teenager. I really do. But my son? His first nephew? I mean, the fact that my brother can't pick up the phone to so much as acknowledge my son's existence REALLY F*CKING HURTS. So does the fact that my mother brushes it off and gives him a pass, claiming that she thinks he's too embarrassed now by the time that has passed to talk to me.

Am I being petty by not taking the high road and breaking the ice on this conversation with my brother? I'm just still so angry with him right now that I can't imagine the conversation going well.

THis is probably true. Why don't you just call him? Use your big sister voice.

YOu: Ryan, WTF, you can't call your sister and say congrats on you new nephew. You are such an A$$hole!

Ryan (Also know as your brother): "Aw Melissa, Sorry" I've been so busy being a teenage Asshole. I mean to call, you know how it is...getting high and drinking every weekend! Anyway how's the little guy?"

The you all start talking like usual. Just call him. Be the the big sister you are.

Don't do this at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps some interest in him as a person and his interests and aspirations would go along way. Trying to beat him into the person you want him to be or your expectation that he be like you is only going to further push him away.

You said that since he wouldn't have the only conversation you wanted to have, that you have nothing to talk about. Yet now that you have a baby, you want to again dictate what he is to talk about.

You need to let go of your need to control him. He is 17. Likely if you start treating him with respect and as his own person, you will begin to mend the relationship.

OP will hopefully learn a lot about how much control anyone has over anyone else now that she is a parent

She has a might tall horse to fall from first if she's to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're wrong here.

Most of the teens I knew or know now don't get the whole baby thing.
Also, children who live at home (even older teens) think that many social obligations can be fulfilled by the head of the family, and that they are associated with whatever the head of the family does.
Additionally, teens are in a very self-centered period of their lives.
It gets worse if the teen in person is socially clueless, and male.

So calm down.

I would call him, and in the conversation, explain matter-of-factly (without getting a tone!) that he should have called personally to congratulate you and ask after your health and that of the baby, because that is what grown-ups do. That you are telling him this because you were waiting for such a call, and that you don't want him to appear to others like an unfeeling clueless person in the future.

Since you are the eldest, be prepared for the hard work of the pioneer. He will fail to acknowledge your milestones because he can't yet relate, but may expect you to understand his.

Also dont do this if you want any relationship at all with him in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short answer. Get over yourself.

Long answer do you really think a 17-year-old boy is going to call you and chat for hours about a baby? Really?

Do you really think someone you constantly criticize is going to want to talk to you about anything?

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are rural areas in MA. Maybe his idea of traveling is to work on a farm in New Hampshire. You can't shove your dreams for someone down their throat. Let him have HIS dreams.

My teenage daughter is a lovely, well-meaning girl. But teenagers are self-absorbed and sometimes I have to remind her when we meet up after school/work to say "how was your day?" or other niceties. Being angry and holding a grudge is unproductive. So just call him and say "Hey Jack, how's it going? I'm good - let me tell you about the baby! He's 4 months and starting to smile and get happy when he sees people he recognizes. Want to come out here and visit for a weekend so you can meet your nephew?" Nudge him in the direction you want him to go.

And Jack will likely say " that's nice" and avoid future phone calls with her. No one but mom and dad care about a 4-month-olds smiles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. You need to be the adult.

This.