No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

NP. What a pity that RSVP cards only includes variations of “Joyfully Accepts” or “Sends Regrets,” with no mechanism or expectation to provide a reason why one is sending regrets.

Perhaps you could market a line of RSVP card that provide pre-set “Valid” or “Inexcusable” decline boxes, and the opportunity to write in your own explanation. Clearly from this asinine thread, there’s a market for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If, like, you get invited to dinner at a White House occupied by a President you like, you gonna pi$$ and moan because the kids can't go too?
If you get invited to an anniversary dinner, do you ask if the kids can come?
If yes, just stay home until the kids are in the military or college,

The belief that your wedding is of similar importance to a state dinner is actually a really good summation of the problem of modern brides and grooms.

DP Maybe people do regard their wedding as similar importance to state dinners.

Why is that a problem "of modern brides and grooms"?
Why is that a problem at all?
It's not a problem for me. It's not my business.

That's just a question. It's also not a problem for me that other people like you find it problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

NP. What a pity that RSVP cards only includes variations of “Joyfully Accepts” or “Sends Regrets,” with no mechanism or expectation to provide a reason why one is sending regrets.

Perhaps you could market a line of RSVP card that provide pre-set “Valid” or “Inexcusable” decline boxes, and the opportunity to write in your own explanation. Clearly from this asinine thread, there’s a market for it.

I never wrote that the declining invitee should be required to provide a reason.

I am considering a market for audio invitations for people like you who don't read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

NP. What a pity that RSVP cards only includes variations of “Joyfully Accepts” or “Sends Regrets,” with no mechanism or expectation to provide a reason why one is sending regrets.

Perhaps you could market a line of RSVP card that provide pre-set “Valid” or “Inexcusable” decline boxes, and the opportunity to write in your own explanation. Clearly from this asinine thread, there’s a market for it.

I never wrote that the declining invitee should be required to provide a reason.

I am considering a market for audio invitations for people like you who don't read.

When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.

But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!

[Anonymous]

As kids decades ago, we were brought to a cousin’s no kids wedding. As a young teen, bride had attended our parents’ wedding.

We were told to behave (we did) and then we were taken home. Parents skipped the reception. Bride asked why her aunt and uncle were leaving. Father couldn’t believe family wasn’t invited to a family event.

We were not invited to her next two weddings either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As kids decades ago, we were brought to a cousin’s no kids wedding. As a young teen, bride had attended our parents’ wedding.

We were told to behave (we did) and then we were taken home. Parents skipped the reception. Bride asked why her aunt and uncle were leaving. Father couldn’t believe family wasn’t invited to a family event.

We were not invited to her next two weddings either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As kids decades ago, we were brought to a cousin’s no kids wedding. As a young teen, bride had attended our parents’ wedding.

We were told to behave (we did) and then we were taken home. Parents skipped the reception. Bride asked why her aunt and uncle were leaving. Father couldn’t believe family wasn’t invited to a family event.

We were not invited to her next two weddings either.

Okay?

My grandfather raised bees and believed washing dishes in hot water was a water of energy. Things change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If, like, you get invited to dinner at a White House occupied by a President you like, you gonna pi$$ and moan because the kids can't go too?
If you get invited to an anniversary dinner, do you ask if the kids can come?
If yes, just stay home until the kids are in the military or college,

The belief that your wedding is of similar importance to a state dinner is actually a really good summation of the problem of modern brides and grooms.

DP Maybe people do regard their wedding as similar importance to state dinners.

Why is that a problem "of modern brides and grooms"?
Why is that a problem at all?
It's not a problem for me. It's not my business.

That's just a question. It's also not a problem for me that other people like you find it problematic.

Because state dinners have certain restrictions and rules which are reasonable when dealing with heads of state and comically self-important when dealing with wedding. See: showing up hours early, confiscating cell phones, etc.

Once you’re already of the belief that your guests should be treated like the enemy, you get into beliefs like “declining because you don’t want to hire a babysitter is passive aggressive” instead of “I guess I’m not a $500 gift-tier friend”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

So why is it “disingenuous and passive aggressive” to say no to your wedding? Is it disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline your other invites that don’t suit me?

[Anonymous]

When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.

But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!

You quoted me so I assumed you were implying as much.

But that's the thing. Nobody is saying the invitee owes anyone an excuse. At least nowhere near the extent we see the other side dictating what is and is not acceptable in terns of people planning their own wedding.

People are saying couples owe it to family, society, and 12 year olds with dreams of attending a wedding to invite children to weddings.

I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend.

Then that is silly. Nobody should be telling you that you owe them attendance, or that you owe them a wedding with children invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

The bigger shift is the couple paying for the wedding. If mom is paying, the grand kids and nieces and nephews are part of the deal because wedding have traditionally been family reunions

Good point.

Their parents are probably broke paying hundreds of thousands for college and said they couldn't help with the wedding. So couples are paying for their weddings on their own. But that's not good for distant relatives who want a free chicken dinner and to see their kids breakdancing on the dance floor for a few hours.

The only summation needed. 10/10 no notes.

[Anonymous]

I did feel bad for some of my friends who got married later in the groups when our peers already had kids— the Caribbean bachelorette parties and child free (or very child-limited) weddings their friends got just weren’t possible if they wanted everyone to show up.

Most of them adapted with the times— hired a local babysitter and chose a venue that would serve kids some pizzas. Total cost for kids probably $350, all the friend groups came and partied all night.

And a couple sulked. Tons of social media about how many thousands they’re spent on weddings and bachelorette’s for their “friends” and how “real” friends made each other a priority and etc. but all the social media in the world didn’t get them the weddings they wanted. Somehow when it was time for baby shower they were surprised no one was lining up to host…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If, like, you get invited to dinner at a White House occupied by a President you like, you gonna pi$$ and moan because the kids can't go too?
If you get invited to an anniversary dinner, do you ask if the kids can come?
If yes, just stay home until the kids are in the military or college,

I wouldn't expect kids to be invited to the WH since that has nothing to do with family.

I would expect children at family members anniversary parties for sure. I attended my grandparents 50th and various aunts and uncles anniversary dinners.

When people get married they are inviting more than family. Inviting family kids means you also need to allow you coworkers and college friends to bring their kids and that adds up quickly for a limited reception budget.

No it doesn't. Just like you don't have to invite your coworker's parents just because you invited your parents' parents, your cousin's parents, and your best friend's parents that helped raise you.

No way am I inviting some people’s kids and excluding others. That’s just wrong. Kid free wedding or kids are invited but it’s tacky to invite some and not others. (Wedding party being the exception.)

I think it's a very normal line to draw that children of family would be invited but not random acquaintances. Kids are people and like any other person, would be invited, or not invited, based on their relationship to the bride and groom.

Disagree, it’s like saying some people can bring a spouse and some people can’t.

I don’t care if you have a kid free wedding or not, but I think it’s bad manners to invite some and not all kids.

Not really. I've seen "only the kids in wedding party invited" also seen "only immediate family kids (nieces/nephews of the bridge and groom), also seen only relatives kids.

If I don't know my coworkers kids why the hell would I invite them to my wedding?!?!? Or just maybe even if I do, if they are not some of my best friends, I have limits on numbers/kids cost as much as adults/etc. so yeah I get to decide who to invite.
Mans you as an invitee get to decide who"yes or no" for attendance based on the invite. You don't get to add guests

Just because you get to decide doesn’t mean I don’t get to decide that you’re being tacky and rude. I already made an exception for kids in the wedding party. But telling your coworker he can’t bring his kids just to have him shop up and see all your nephews and nieces? Yeah, not cool.

Your expectations and attitude are so outside of the norm of how people actually think and behave that I highly doubt anyone who works with you would invite you to socialize.

DP. I hope none of my coworkers invite me to their weddings. First off, I work in banking, a field that is a total snake pit most of the time. Second off, I like to have surface level work friendships. No way do I want to bring my little kids to a coworkers wedding. I would 100% say I couldn’t find childcare and not attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

So why is it “disingenuous and passive aggressive” to say no to your wedding? Is it disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline your other invites that don’t suit me?

That's not what I wrote. "[People] making up disingenuous excuses" is what I wrote. It's not disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline an invitation to a child-free wedding. Commenters on these topics often will exaggerate the effort needed to attend a child-free wedding. If you can't attend for whatever reason or don't want to, that's fine.


So many people have latched on to that statement about disingenuous excuses. People are literally cancelling families over others choosing a child-free wedding. But yeah lets take me to task for criticizing people whom I believe are basing excuses on exaggerated circumstances.