MIL - I am not inclined to respond, but ideas welcome

[Anonymous]

My MIL wrote me an e-mail for my birthday. Just a side note, I can't stand e-mail bc I get so much from work and kids school, but she loves e-mail. My MIL is anxious, quick to give advice when she knows nothing on subject, and has difficult relationships with her kids and everyone else in the world. So my birthday e-mail contains a paragraph on how she wants to be more involved in my kids lives like going to recitals, plays, sports events, etc. My kids are heading to middle school, and she literally has attended nothing in all of elementary school. I really want to respond that she missed the boat. I can see now that my kids have very little interest in adults, their focus is on peers. But in elementary school they would have loved it. Even this year I noticed that every single kid in my DD's piano studio had a grandparent at the once a year recital, except ours. My parents were super involved until my Mom got sick, so we used to not care that my MIL and her husband didn't attend. I know I should just let it pass, and just write her back thanking her for remembering my birthday. Unfortunately I vented to my husband, who is already super sensitive about his Mom's lack of involvement, and he got upset. My favorite practice is to draft the angry e-mail back and then delete it. But welcome to other ideas!

[Anonymous]

"Thanks for the birthday wish! We'll make sure to let you know of any upcoming events the kids have. (if you want to get a dig in - they don't have as many of those type of events as they did in elementary school) See you soon. Love, DIL"

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how she missed the boat - they still have recitals, plays, games, tournaments, etc., right? So you say, "I'm sure the kids would love to see you at their events, I'll be sure to let you know when they are." And then do it.

You claim that you didn't care at the time that she has missed events because your parents were there. now that they're not able to attend, and she wants to, you are retroactively upset that she didn't previously attend? That makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

I had some great grandparents and not a single one ever came to a sports game or a recital. Talk about being bored to tears! I don't blame them.

You will always feel better taking the high road. Thank her for the birthday wishes. If you have some dates handy for games or events coming up, include those. So something like this:

"Mary, thank you so much for the birthday note. We had a wonderful time doing X and the kids were so sweet and made me Y. They each have a few upcoming events, Johnny has a baseball game on Saturday at 11 and Susie will have her 5th grade graduation June 5th at 10am. I know they'd love to see you. Best, Jane"

[Anonymous]

As a kid who sometimes didn't even have parents in the audience for middle school and high school events, I can promise you that having grandparents there for those kind of events is still meaningful even in the later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks for the birthday wish! We'll make sure to let you know of any upcoming events the kids have. (if you want to get a dig in - they don't have as many of those type of events as they did in elementary school) See you soon. Love, DIL"

OP this is perfect. And just let her know of any events coming up. That way it's on her to attend or not.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand your feelings at all, OP.

There may have been plenty of reasons why she didn't go when they were younger, and it's her problem if she missed that time to connect with them. Our family has always had grandparents who lived abroad (my grandparents, and now my children's grandparents), so I have never thought it a given that my kids would have anyone but me at their recitals. If someone else could have made it, that would have been great, but not obligatory! After years of missed concerts, I have finally found a way to upload them on a private YouTube account - the grandparents are so happy.

What do you care if she shows up at a recital or concert from now on? Let her. She probably thinks she can connect more easily with older kids, and perhaps she was worried the elementary concerts would be terrible - some of them are.

[Anonymous]

"Sure I'll send you their schedules when they come out." Snap a cell phone pic of the schedules and text it to her when you get the schedules and consider this obligation fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

If you can, send her a schedule. I remember my grandfather often showing up at my little league baseball games. I have very vivid memories of him being there. I was a pitcher and if I won he'd give me a dollar. Someday I'd like my grandchildren to have the same memory.

[Anonymous]

Feel how you feel, and then take the high road and say positive things. You also need to be careful about venting to your husband about his mother. We know it's just venting, but it has a negative effect on how he feels, so it hurts him more than it helps you.

I'd just thank her and play along with her regarding wanting to attend events. A lot of times, it's just talk, and people don't actually follow through.

If she's otherwise a pretty nice grandma to the kids, let that be enough. At least you don't have my NPD MIL, who lives locally and will see her grandchildren maybe once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL wrote me an e-mail for my birthday. Just a side note, I can't stand e-mail bc I get so much from work and kids school, but she loves e-mail. My MIL is anxious, quick to give advice when she knows nothing on subject, and has difficult relationships with her kids and everyone else in the world. So my birthday e-mail contains a paragraph on how she wants to be more involved in my kids lives like going to recitals, plays, sports events, etc. My kids are heading to middle school, and she literally has attended nothing in all of elementary school. I really want to respond that she missed the boat. I can see now that my kids have very little interest in adults, their focus is on peers. But in elementary school they would have loved it. Even this year I noticed that every single kid in my DD's piano studio had a grandparent at the once a year recital, except ours. My parents were super involved until my Mom got sick, so we used to not care that my MIL and her husband didn't attend. I know I should just let it pass, and just write her back thanking her for remembering my birthday. Unfortunately I vented to my husband, who is already super sensitive about his Mom's lack of involvement, and he got upset. My favorite practice is to draft the angry e-mail back and then delete it. But welcome to other ideas!

OP, I think this line is very important. I'm so sorry your mom got sick. You have gotten good advice here on taking the high road, and I think that's the right course of action. Just thank her for the birthday wishes and share any upcoming dates for your kids' events. Cc your husband. Let him handle any follow-up (I find that anxious, difficult people like your MIL tend to ask way more follow-up questions than necessary, and you should not take these on).

I can see where you would be acutely aware of the presence/absence of grandparents in a way others may not be, given what you're dealing with personally. I'm sorry that your in-laws haven't been the grandparents you know your parents would continue to be if your mom hadn't gotten sick. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

High road, please. She may not be your favorite person and she may have dropped the ball earlier. But it's still a win-win to have her want to be more involved now.

I'm biased, my parents are both dead and my inlaws are elderly and very far away. I get teary for my kids and myself at seeing grandparents attend stuff for their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL wrote me an e-mail for my birthday. Just a side note, I can't stand e-mail bc I get so much from work and kids school, but she loves e-mail. My MIL is anxious, quick to give advice when she knows nothing on subject, and has difficult relationships with her kids and everyone else in the world. So my birthday e-mail contains a paragraph on how she wants to be more involved in my kids lives like going to recitals, plays, sports events, etc. My kids are heading to middle school, and she literally has attended nothing in all of elementary school. I really want to respond that she missed the boat. I can see now that my kids have very little interest in adults, their focus is on peers. But in elementary school they would have loved it. Even this year I noticed that every single kid in my DD's piano studio had a grandparent at the once a year recital, except ours. My parents were super involved until my Mom got sick, so we used to not care that my MIL and her husband didn't attend. I know I should just let it pass, and just write her back thanking her for remembering my birthday. Unfortunately I vented to my husband, who is already super sensitive about his Mom's lack of involvement, and he got upset. My favorite practice is to draft the angry e-mail back and then delete it. But welcome to other ideas!

OK, you're upset that she now wants to do what you wanted her to do before ? That make little sense. Just be polite, like you know you should. If you have a thing that you really don't want her to attend, just don't tell her about it.

[Anonymous]

Why are you deciding this FOR YOUR KIDS? Why don't you ASK your kids if they want to invite the "other grandparents" to this kind of thing. They may be open to the idea. Don't make this about you. I know they are your kids, and you feel for them, but if this hasn't really bothered them, why should it bother you?

She's trying to do something nice NOW. Good things are good, and this is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

When you are looking down on her in a casket, with your children at your side, you are not going to say to yourself: "Gee, I'm really glad I didn't facilitate her presence in their life more. Good thing I held a grudge when she tried to hold out an olive branch."