MIL - I am not inclined to respond, but ideas welcome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand what was wrong with the email. Is there more to the story, OP?

This. How is it too little too late when the kids are just in middle school?!

Well, what took them so long?

I don't do fair weather friends, and I don't do people who could have played an important role in my children's life since day one, but who didn't, and suddenly want ME to make a huge effort years later. You had your chance from day one. Where were you then?

Are you the OP, or another insane person? There is nothing wrong with MIL. She had her reasons for not being there before, and now she wants to be more present (supposedly). Who cares? It doesn't give OP more work, nor her children. She can come, or not, it won't really change their lives.
It's astonishing the number of judgemental people who want to apply strict standards to others but would go off the deep end if they were applied to them

Um, no. If I had been absent in someone's life and then showed sudden onterest, I wouldn't be surprised if they WEREN'T interested. Why should they be?

Again, are you OP?

Are you telling us MIL never showed interest? Has she never brought them presents, for their birthdays or other occasions? Have you never sat down to dinner all together? Has she never visited? Never talked to the your children? If she has done these things, she has shown interest. Being present for their musical performances is just another way of showing interest (and I don't blame her for not coming to the earlier ones, unless your children are particularly gifted and perform in something other than the usual school things).

You are either a troll or particularly hateful. Some of us had grandparents who never showed up to anything, and if they had suddenly wanted to to, we would have said yes, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand what was wrong with the email. Is there more to the story, OP?

This. How is it too little too late when the kids are just in middle school?!

Well, what took them so long?

I don't do fair weather friends, and I don't do people who could have played an important role in my children's life since day one, but who didn't, and suddenly want ME to make a huge effort years later. You had your chance from day one. Where were you then?

Are you the OP, or another insane person? There is nothing wrong with MIL. She had her reasons for not being there before, and now she wants to be more present (supposedly). Who cares? It doesn't give OP more work, nor her children. She can come, or not, it won't really change their lives.
It's astonishing the number of judgemental people who want to apply strict standards to others but would go off the deep end if they were applied to them

Um, no. If I had been absent in someone's life and then showed sudden onterest, I wouldn't be surprised if they WEREN'T interested. Why should they be?

Again, are you OP?

Are you telling us MIL never showed interest? Has she never brought them presents, for their birthdays or other occasions? Have you never sat down to dinner all together? Has she never visited? Never talked to the your children? If she has done these things, she has shown interest. Being present for their musical performances is just another way of showing interest (and I don't blame her for not coming to the earlier ones, unless your children are particularly gifted and perform in something other than the usual school things).

You are either a troll or particularly hateful. Some of us had grandparents who never showed up to anything, and if they had suddenly wanted to to, we would have said yes, of course.

I'm
Not OP once a troll. This is just my opinion. I don't allow people to pick and chose, go in and out of my life, and I sure wouldn't expose this type of behavior to my children.

This grandma can slowly show us that she will show up and take interest in my children. But it's on her to do the leg work. I agree with sending the sports schedule and letting her come, but I won't beg, or remind. It's on HER to be there.

Maybe you've never had people who "suddenly" decide they want to be around you - until something better comes along. Maybe this grandma is genuine. But I won't set up my kids for that kind of disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand what was wrong with the email. Is there more to the story, OP?

This. How is it too little too late when the kids are just in middle school?!

Well, what took them so long?

I don't do fair weather friends, and I don't do people who could have played an important role in my children's life since day one, but who didn't, and suddenly want ME to make a huge effort years later. You had your chance from day one. Where were you then?

Are you the OP, or another insane person? There is nothing wrong with MIL. She had her reasons for not being there before, and now she wants to be more present (supposedly). Who cares? It doesn't give OP more work, nor her children. She can come, or not, it won't really change their lives.
It's astonishing the number of judgemental people who want to apply strict standards to others but would go off the deep end if they were applied to them

Um, no. If I had been absent in someone's life and then showed sudden onterest, I wouldn't be surprised if they WEREN'T interested. Why should they be?

Again, are you OP?

Are you telling us MIL never showed interest? Has she never brought them presents, for their birthdays or other occasions? Have you never sat down to dinner all together? Has she never visited? Never talked to the your children? If she has done these things, she has shown interest. Being present for their musical performances is just another way of showing interest (and I don't blame her for not coming to the earlier ones, unless your children are particularly gifted and perform in something other than the usual school things).

You are either a troll or particularly hateful. Some of us had grandparents who never showed up to anything, and if they had suddenly wanted to to, we would have said yes, of course.

I'm
Not OP once a troll. This is just my opinion. I don't allow people to pick and chose, go in and out of my life, and I sure wouldn't expose this type of behavior to my children.

This grandma can slowly show us that she will show up and take interest in my children. But it's on her to do the leg work. I agree with sending the sports schedule and letting her come, but I won't beg, or remind. It's on HER to be there.

Maybe you've never had people who "suddenly" decide they want to be around you - until something better comes along. Maybe this grandma is genuine. But I won't set up my kids for that kind of disappointment.

You're right not to beg or remind...but I don't think anyone said otherwise! I think we are nearly all...dare I say it...in agreement? Give the schedule, let husband handle follow-up, and let it be a pleasant surprise if she shows up. Certainly don't be like "Hey kids, guess what! Grandma Larlington is gonna come to all your events now yay!"

[Anonymous]

OP, it's a really bad idea to "vent" to your spouse about their parents.

Even if our parents are annoying people, we love them, and it hurts to hear other people we love say bad things about them.

You seem so annoyed, even that she sent you an email. I am not sure why you are so angry. Take the high road and have a drink.

[Anonymous]

My MIL professes to want to be more involved too, but she moved from a short drive away from us to a 45 minute one way drive in zero traffic. She also doesn't use email or text. It's up to my husband to facilitate the relationship with his mom.

[Anonymous]

Happy birthday DIL. Now do something for meeeeee

Is MIL generally uninvolved in your lives? You said she has bad relationships with her children and other people. I wouldn't reply to her email. You're busy with your children and work. MIL can ask and receive this information from her child. MIL is not your circus.

[Anonymous]

She seems selfish. What does her involvement (or lack thereof) have to do with your birthday? Pick one thing she can attend per year and tell her that, but she doesn't need to be THAT involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL wrote me an e-mail for my birthday. Just a side note, I can't stand e-mail bc I get so much from work and kids school, but she loves e-mail. My MIL is anxious, quick to give advice when she knows nothing on subject, and has difficult relationships with her kids and everyone else in the world. So my birthday e-mail contains a paragraph on how she wants to be more involved in my kids lives like going to recitals, plays, sports events, etc. My kids are heading to middle school, and she literally has attended nothing in all of elementary school. I really want to respond that she missed the boat. I can see now that my kids have very little interest in adults, their focus is on peers. But in elementary school they would have loved it. Even this year I noticed that every single kid in my DD's piano studio had a grandparent at the once a year recital, except ours. My parents were super involved until my Mom got sick, so we used to not care that my MIL and her husband didn't attend. I know I should just let it pass, and just write her back thanking her for remembering my birthday. Unfortunately I vented to my husband, who is already super sensitive about his Mom's lack of involvement, and he got upset. My favorite practice is to draft the angry e-mail back and then delete it. But welcome to other ideas!

I don't like email birthday greetings because where's the check?

[Anonymous]

Wait, your mil actually a - knows when your birthday is and b-reaches out to you? Mine lives only a few miles away from me and I doubt she can spell my name correctly!

I know I should just let it pass, and just write her back thanking her for remembering my birthday.

Yup, you should. Your H is embarrassed about his mom hence his sensitivity (as is mine). Have him explain to her that the window is pretty much shut.