D17: "I can't stand any of you and can't wait to get out of this house"

[Anonymous]

No job, no personal savings, drives a new car we bought her, lives a charmed life and yet talks like this. I can't wrap my head around how a teen thinks they're entitled to $200,000 one way vacation out of our house. Is it too late to fix this? I think she's far too immature and way too entitled and want to make her do a gap year before college. Her mother is a softy and thinks she deserves to begin college straight away.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe you both are asshats and once she graduates college she makes a life in another city and never looks back.

Good luck with old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job, no personal savings, drives a new car we bought her, lives a charmed life and yet talks like this. I can't wrap my head around how a teen thinks they're entitled to $200,000 one way vacation out of our house. Is it too late to fix this? I think she's far too immature and way too entitled and want to make her do a gap year before college. Her mother is a softy and thinks she deserves to begin college straight away.

No one "deserves" to start college, OP, unless they are paying for it themselves, or have earned merit scholarship to fund the cost. Otherwise, it is a gift for which one should be grateful.

And let me get this straight: You bought your 17 year old a new car, give her a "charmed life," and yet you can't wrap your head around the reason she is so entitled?

No, it's not too late to fix this, but you and your wife both need a serious plan. One that you agree on and will stick to. But for starters, it sounds like you have to convince your wife that you even have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job, no personal savings, drives a new car we bought her, lives a charmed life and yet talks like this. I can't wrap my head around how a teen thinks they're entitled to $200,000 one way vacation out of our house. Is it too late to fix this? I think she's far too immature and way too entitled and want to make her do a gap year before college. Her mother is a softy and thinks she deserves to begin college straight away.

Someone speaks like that AND drives a car you bought??? Please relieve her of those keys. They seem to be having a negative effect on her. Seriously.

--parent of a 16 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job, no personal savings, drives a new car we bought her, lives a charmed life and yet talks like this. I can't wrap my head around how a teen thinks they're entitled to $200,000 one way vacation out of our house. Is it too late to fix this? I think she's far too immature and way too entitled and want to make her do a gap year before college. Her mother is a softy and thinks she deserves to begin college straight away.

Someone speaks like that AND drives a car you bought??? Please relieve her of those keys. They seem to be having a negative effect on her. Seriously.

--parent of a 16 year old

+1 you are your wife need to figure this out. Your daughter needs to learn how to be respectful. And you guys need to learn how to parent in a united front.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a typical 17 year old to me. I'm sure you've forgotten how obnoxious you were at that age. It's part of leaving the nest and trying out their almost adulthood. The good news is most of us figure it out and grow up and relax.

[Anonymous]

What did she do to deserve a new car?

[Anonymous]

Time for her to get a j-o-b

[Anonymous]

YOU are the one with your priorities messed-up.
College above all else.
A new car??? That's on you - - why would you do that?
You bought her a car? A new car? Her own new car?
That was not necessary. However, education is VERY necessary.

[Anonymous]

I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job, no personal savings, drives a new car we bought her, lives a charmed life and yet talks like this. I can't wrap my head around how a teen thinks they're entitled to $200,000 one way vacation out of our house. Is it too late to fix this? I think she's far too immature and way too entitled and want to make her do a gap year before college. Her mother is a softy and thinks she deserves to begin college straight away.

I don't think readiness for college has much to do with how polite or rude teens are to their parents, so I think you're mixing up the issues here.

Regarding her readiness for college: What are her grades like? Is she managing her schoolwork independently and well? Does she manage her extracurriculars, etc. independently and well?

Regarding whether she deserves to go to college: I dunno, I don't really think of college as something kids "earn" per se. I mean, sure, they earn if with grades, etc., but that doesn't seem to be what you are talking about. I wouldn't have sent my eldest off to college if I didn't think he was ready and interested and committed to making a success of it. But that's different from "deserving" it, as if college were a reward for being polite. I consider college (or trade school) a necessity just like high school is, and I never considered whether my kids "deserved" to go to high school.

Regarding whether she is grateful for the charmed life she leads: Let's face it, she lives a charmed life and drives a brand new car because you wanted to give her those things. You've had plenty of time to consider whether giving her all those things was a good idea and whether it might encourage a sense of entitlement, etc. For whatever reason, you haven't wanted to stop giving her stuff and doing things for her. TBH, I'm not sure how you stop now. I think it's important *not* to give kids too much, so this isn't a path I've found myself on. The idea of buying a teen a new car is so foreign to me I hardly know what to say. So I don't know how you get off this path at this late date. And I really don't know how you get off the path if your spouse isn't on board. I'm guessing DW wouldn't support you if you wanted to make DD earn her own gas money or insurance money or if you decided to take the car away or decided to make those things contingent on helping out around the house?

I can tell you how things work at our house, but we are on such a different path I don't think it would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

People are getting hung up on the new car thing. Fact is, there are new or nearly new cars that are good but fairly basic transportation and there are used cars that are flashy and fast.

I probably wouldn't give a car, new or used, to a teen but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Agree that it's a good idea to have the kid earn money towards gas/insurance.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a 17 year old girl. Okay-- maybe more a 14 year old girl. But a kid pushing boundaries. And since she sounds like she's 14, I find it hard to believe this is new. And with a 14 year old, you remind yourself that drama is par for the course, and boundary testing is part of the age, and try to stay calm, and tell them you get that they are frustrated, but they still need to be respectful, etc. rinse, repeat. But since this is still happening at 17, either doing this hasn't worked, or you haven't done it.

As for college, I agree with PPs. College is still important, even if the behavior is bratty, and I wouldn't make it contingent on her sucking up to you. Because she sounds just mature enough to say F--k you, I don't want to go anyway. If she has the grades and emotional maturity to make it work, you are on the wrong track.

And I love the idea of a gap year. Especially in this area, where kids are being pushed so hard in schools. It can be a real time to grow and mature, and maybe work in a field where they are interested and save some money and travel some, or volunteer, or any number of productive things. But a gap year should be a positive experience that the kid designs to meet their interests and needs. I really hope my brilliant but ADHD TJ student DS does one to take a break from 24/7 studying and give his executive functioning skills some extra time to mature and get some independent living skills. But, a gap year as a punishment is a bad idea. You do realize you would end up with a sulky kid living in your basement and refusing to get out of her PJs right?

And I don't get the new car for teens thing either. If they have a new car, and the newest iPhone, and a designer wardrobe that many DCUM women would kill for, and whatever else you are spoiling her with, of course the act entitled. They are. By you.

[Anonymous]

^^^ meant to add. The fact you would consider not paying for college after you said you would, but it doesn't dawn on you to take the car away tells us a lot about your priorities.