D17: "I can't stand any of you and can't wait to get out of this house"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a typical 17 year old to me. I'm sure you've forgotten how obnoxious you were at that age. It's part of leaving the nest and trying out their almost adulthood. The good news is most of us figure it out and grow up and relax.

This is a lamest of tropes. No, not every 17-year-old is a selfish asshole. My two sons were awesome kids at 17, and they are awesome adults today. I think people like you -- who think its acceptable for kids to act like sh**heads around their parents -- are the reason why some kids act that way. The solution is simple: Be a good parent and bring energy to raising your kids. It's actually quite easy. Do not accept that kind of behavior and it won't happen.

You sound just like my mom. Self righteous and pompous. She goes on and on about how she raised my sister and me right! Ha, she had very little to do with us, if anything at all. She got lucky, my sister and I are quiet for the most part, smart and had great grades and modest personality traits. She thought my sister was the worst spoiled brat for asking for nice T-shirts because I never asked for anybody. She criticizes her own sisters as failure because their boys got Bs and Cs in school! She had nothing to do with our grades, it is easy to have good grades when your IQ is over 130 something. Simple facts, she got lucky and my cousins were completely different kids, facing different challenges. Not were my parents "good" parents unless you think getting beaten(not slapped or smacked a little) because you didn't vacuum to their standard makes a good parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a typical 17 year old to me. I'm sure you've forgotten how obnoxious you were at that age. It's part of leaving the nest and trying out their almost adulthood. The good news is most of us figure it out and grow up and relax.

This is a lamest of tropes. No, not every 17-year-old is a selfish asshole. My two sons were awesome kids at 17, and they are awesome adults today. I think people like you -- who think its acceptable for kids to act like sh**heads around their parents -- are the reason why some kids act that way. The solution is simple: Be a good parent and bring energy to raising your kids. It's actually quite easy. Do not accept that kind of behavior and it won't happen.

You sound just like my mom. Self righteous and pompous. She goes on and on about how she raised my sister and me right! Ha, she had very little to do with us, if anything at all. She got lucky, my sister and I are quiet for the most part, smart and had great grades and modest personality traits. She thought my sister was the worst spoiled brat for asking for nice T-shirts because I never asked for anybody. She criticizes her own sisters as failure because their boys got Bs and Cs in school! She had nothing to do with our grades, it is easy to have good grades when your IQ is over 130 something. Simple facts, she got lucky and my cousins were completely different kids, facing different challenges. Not were my parents "good" parents unless you think getting beaten(not slapped or smacked a little) because you didn't vacuum to their standard makes a good parent?

^^asked to anything.

[Anonymous]

My parents were terrible parents, and I also couldn't wait to get out of the house. I went to college on the other side of the country to get away. They were incredibly self-centered, showed little affection, and one was an alcoholic while the other was an enabler. I had a very stressful childhood.

Of course, this doesn't mean that OP's family is like this--but when I think about my friends who were sad to leave home, they invariably had families that were kind, supportive, and not as stressful as mine.

[Anonymous]

My parents gave me all that and more and I still spoke like that, regularly, while I lived at home. Locked horns on everything. I'm 34 now and my parents are my best friends and the greatest people I have ever known. Just take the long view, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:teenagers are awful. and awfulness is particularly common when they're about to separate from the family. that doesn't make it okay, but if this is at all unusual behavior, you might ride it out a bit and see where it goes. but, yes, regardless, impose some consequence for the disrespect. but the consequence should be proportionate - lose her car for the weekend or the week, maybe.

I can't see how taking time off in a gap year would be necessarily good for her. maybe if she had a goal and/or a job and was eager to do so. but de-prioritizing education in favor of making money and continuing to live at home just when she ought to be heading off doesn't seem particularly likely to make her grow up - just seems likely to make her more resentful. college is expensive, but it isn't a luxury. it's an important path to self-betterment/citizenship/employability. I certainly wouldn't want to throw any obstacles in her path. at this point, you have either prepare her or you haven't. she's going to have to stumble through on her own a bit.

I shake my head a bit at the car, too, but at this point, you might want to consider pulling back. enforce your rules at home but don't overdo it on the rules. frankly, its too late for that. she's either prepared or not.

if that is just not your style, you could try enforcing some real discipline and work for the summer. I don't know what she has planned. but you could certainly make continued use of the car contingent on getting a summer job and following your rules. and if she can't get a job, you could give her house and yardwork to do to earn her privileges. I honestly think that's a little much for a 17yo about to head off to college, and it might not have the desired effect but that seems to be as hardcore as you could go at this point.

Hahaha. You think a summer job or household work is "a little much" for a teen heading to college?!

I worked summers AND school years from age 15 on, while doing activities, taking AP classes, and living 45 minutes from school. I also had time to be a bratty teenager.* I had a car because I paid for it. It was 10 years old and the front panel was painted a lovely shade of primer. I had clothes because I paid for them. I paid for my senior pictures, class ring, and yearbook. I paid for beach week.

She's telling you she needs some independence. Give it to her.

* and I walked uphill both ways with a slab of fatback in my pocket.

[Anonymous]

OP you have let this get out of hand. You raised someone like this and now you are shocked that they are like this? You have the power in this relationship. I would take her car and sell it, I would take most of "her" clothes and "her" things to goodwill. I would cancel her cell phone and I would put a password on the WIFI.

I would also tell DD what her budget was for college. This would require her taking the MAX in loans and would involve you paying the least amount that you can.

You have no one to blame but yourself.

[Anonymous]

I used to say the same comments to my parents. I was unhappy living at home. They wanted to control everything I did. Control who I was friends with and my activities. Literally everything and they drove me nuts. They only would allow me to be friends or date people who went to our church. I was a good student but the few times I smoked pot or drank senior year were the end of the world for them. They even tried to send me off to an expensive center for difficult teens when they found out I smoked pot at a party. Ridiculous.

Anyway I got in a good college and off I went and I did very well. I've done extremely well professionally, married well and have good friends who are nice and productive members of society. I was finally happy when I moved out of their house. What's funny is my parents wouldn't allow me to be friends in HS with anyone I spend time with today. Which is ridiculous because my friends are very successful and nice people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

If you don't think that she'll be a serious student, it may be best for her to go to a community college and maybe work a part time job. 17 is young and another year under her belt might make all the difference.

Kids that go to community college and live at home are often behind their peers for years. It's not a good idea unless the child is not successful at the 4 year college. I have seen a lot of promising young people still at the 2 year community college 4-6 years later, plodding along..

Which do you want her to have as her peer group for the next few years?
Kids who failed out of high school or who did so poorly that they couldn't get into a 4 year school mixed in with a few who can't afford college, or motivated students at a decent 4 year school?

You are making big assumptions about the type of students that go to community college. There are lots of honest kids working hard to get their degree at CC and people here are so quick to put people down. There are plenty of rich kids who go to college just to party. Just because your parents can pay huge tuition doesn't mean you are a better person. So sick of the comments against community college students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not that unusual to feel that way. Just, shrug it off. She'll be gone soon enough. When she gets out into the real world, she'll learn to appreciate you.

But she never will enter the real world because they will keep funding her extravagant lifestyle. Sorry, op. You've bungled it and don't seem to comprehend why.

[Anonymous]

I wish I'd had a gap year. As it was, my father cut me off in my sophmore year and I dropped out second semester. I just had no idea what I wanted to do with myself. I didn't want to return home, so I got a full-time job as a GS-4 or 5 with the government.

When I saw people who'd been working there for decades but were still dead end, it motivated me to go back. I took out personal loans and worked part time to go to school for the next three years and my dad paid off the loan as a graduation gift. It worked out well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:teenagers are awful. and awfulness is particularly common when they're about to separate from the family. that doesn't make it okay, but if this is at all unusual behavior, you might ride it out a bit and see where it goes. but, yes, regardless, impose some consequence for the disrespect. but the consequence should be proportionate - lose her car for the weekend or the week, maybe.

I can't see how taking time off in a gap year would be necessarily good for her. maybe if she had a goal and/or a job and was eager to do so. but de-prioritizing education in favor of making money and continuing to live at home just when she ought to be heading off doesn't seem particularly likely to make her grow up - just seems likely to make her more resentful. college is expensive, but it isn't a luxury. it's an important path to self-betterment/citizenship/employability. I certainly wouldn't want to throw any obstacles in her path. at this point, you have either prepare her or you haven't. she's going to have to stumble through on her own a bit.

I shake my head a bit at the car, too, but at this point, you might want to consider pulling back. enforce your rules at home but don't overdo it on the rules. frankly, its too late for that. she's either prepared or not.

if that is just not your style, you could try enforcing some real discipline and work for the summer. I don't know what she has planned. but you could certainly make continued use of the car contingent on getting a summer job and following your rules. and if she can't get a job, you could give her house and yardwork to do to earn her privileges. I honestly think that's a little much for a 17yo about to head off to college, and it might not have the desired effect but that seems to be as hardcore as you could go at this point.

Hahaha. You think a summer job or household work is "a little much" for a teen heading to college?!

I worked summers AND school years from age 15 on, while doing activities, taking AP classes, and living 45 minutes from school. I also had time to be a bratty teenager.* I had a car because I paid for it. It was 10 years old and the front panel was painted a lovely shade of primer. I had clothes because I paid for them. I paid for my senior pictures, class ring, and yearbook. I paid for beach week.

She's telling you she needs some independence. Give it to her.

* and I walked uphill both ways with a slab of fatback in my pocket.

I worked during the year and every summer, too, starting when I was 13. I also had regular chores. My parents paid for the car (used), gas, and insurance, contingent on my keeping my grades up so as to qualify for the Good Student discount. Otherwise, I paid all my own expenses. I was valedictorian, went to college, and had a part-time job there, too.

And I could also be a pain in the butt to my parents, too. It's part of the process of separation and becoming independent. My parents and I get along well and have a good relationship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a typical 17 year old to me. I'm sure you've forgotten how obnoxious you were at that age. It's part of leaving the nest and trying out their almost adulthood. The good news is most of us figure it out and grow up and relax.

I think it depends on if it's constant or a momentary lashing out. If the latter, I think it's normal and possibly even a part of the separating that is coming. She ay actually be scared and sad but is acting out to make leaving seem like a solution to everything. I've heard teens do this quire regularly. Do some reading of recent teen brain research. If this is her constant attitude, you have a different problem of an entitled kid.

[Anonymous]

• First get all the food out of the house.
• Then locate the main electrical panel and flip the main circuit breakers.
• Then call your landline telephone service provider and have the phones cut off for about a week and if the D17 has a cell phone on your plan then contact your cell phone provider and have them cut that off too.
• Call a locksmith and change the keys to the house.
• Get a club and put that on D17's steering wheel.
• Then get a hotel room for about 4/5 days and disappear without a word.

See how D17 likes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

If you don't think that she'll be a serious student, it may be best for her to go to a community college and maybe work a part time job. 17 is young and another year under her belt might make all the difference.

Kids that go to community college and live at home are often behind their peers for years. It's not a good idea unless the child is not successful at the 4 year college. I have seen a lot of promising young people still at the 2 year community college 4-6 years later, plodding along..

Which do you want her to have as her peer group for the next few years?
Kids who failed out of high school or who did so poorly that they couldn't get into a 4 year school mixed in with a few who can't afford college, or motivated students at a decent 4 year school?

You are making big assumptions about the type of students that go to community college. There are lots of honest kids working hard to get their degree at CC and people here are so quick to put people down. There are plenty of rich kids who go to college just to party. Just because your parents can pay huge tuition doesn't mean you are a better person. So sick of the comments against community college students.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:State school. Live in the dorms . No car.

Check back in the spring.

You think going to U.VA or U.MD is punishment?

Not at all it's just less expensive and your not coddled there. That way she has to figure out her own schedule and life which takes energy away from hating her family. Now her family are the only ones that care about her.

I was thinking Salisbury, VT, UMBC , Towson, JMU, GMU, St Mary's , UMBC as well.

Ha. I lived in the dorms at VT, had no car and had an unmitigated blast there. There are excellent study areas, lots of bright students, plenty of clubs, supportive instructors...there is also A LOT of temptation with parties, guys, the natural beauty of mountains and rivers, a fun college town, etc. I had A LOT of fun. That is the case with just about any college campus. It takes a certain maturity to balance the fun with the work of school.

You know your kid.