D17: "I can't stand any of you and can't wait to get out of this house"

[Anonymous]

Buying respect never works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a 17 year old girl. Okay-- maybe more a 14 year old girl. But a kid pushing boundaries. And since she sounds like she's 14, I find it hard to believe this is new. And with a 14 year old, you remind yourself that drama is par for the course, and boundary testing is part of the age, and try to stay calm, and tell them you get that they are frustrated, but they still need to be respectful, etc. rinse, repeat. But since this is still happening at 17, either doing this hasn't worked, or you haven't done it.

As for college, I agree with PPs. College is still important, even if the behavior is bratty, and I wouldn't make it contingent on her sucking up to you. Because she sounds just mature enough to say F--k you, I don't want to go anyway. If she has the grades and emotional maturity to make it work, you are on the wrong track.

And I love the idea of a gap year. Especially in this area, where kids are being pushed so hard in schools. It can be a real time to grow and mature, and maybe work in a field where they are interested and save some money and travel some, or volunteer, or any number of productive things. But a gap year should be a positive experience that the kid designs to meet their interests and needs. I really hope my brilliant but ADHD TJ student DS does one to take a break from 24/7 studying and give his executive functioning skills some extra time to mature and get some independent living skills. But, a gap year as a punishment is a bad idea. You do realize you would end up with a sulky kid living in your basement and refusing to get out of her PJs right?

And I don't get the new car for teens thing either. If they have a new car, and the newest iPhone, and a designer wardrobe that many DCUM women would kill for, and whatever else you are spoiling her with, of course the act entitled. They are. By you.

Right, let's think about this gap year for a minute. My oldest was absolutely ready for college but gap years can be a great opportunity. But PP is right--they should be designed to meet some needs/interests of the kid. What would that entail for your spoiled DD? Will you send her on some expensive adventure? That sounds like more of the same charmed life you feel is problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

What about starting to apply some limits? By partying, do you mean drinking? If so, she shouldn't be driving, correct? What about telling her it's time for her to start paying for her own gas and entertainment, so she needs to get a job? What about telling her you expect her to maintain a certain GPA in college or she will have to come home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

If you don't think that she'll be a serious student, it may be best for her to go to a community college and maybe work a part time job. 17 is young and another year under her belt might make all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job, no personal savings, drives a new car we bought her, lives a charmed life and yet talks like this. I can't wrap my head around how a teen thinks they're entitled to $200,000 one way vacation out of our house. Is it too late to fix this? I think she's far too immature and way too entitled and want to make her do a gap year before college. Her mother is a softy and thinks she deserves to begin college straight away.

No one "deserves" to start college, OP, unless they are paying for it themselves, or have earned merit scholarship to fund the cost. Otherwise, it is a gift for which one should be grateful.

And let me get this straight: You bought your 17 year old a new car, give her a "charmed life," and yet you can't wrap your head around the reason she is so entitled?

No, it's not too late to fix this, but you and your wife both need a serious plan. One that you agree on and will stick to. But for starters, it sounds like you have to convince your wife that you even have a problem.

+1. It took 17 years to spoil the child, it's not going to get fixed overnight.

[Anonymous]

State school. Live in the dorms . No car.

Check back in the spring.

[Anonymous]

^^ modest allowance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:State school. Live in the dorms . No car.

Check back in the spring.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Imagine the HORROR of going to WM/UVA/VT/JMU/GMU, living in the dorm, working 10 hours a week to help cover expenses, and walking, getting rides from friends and a very limited Uber budget, like the poors do. It sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job, no personal savings, drives a new car we bought her, lives a charmed life and yet talks like this. I can't wrap my head around how a teen thinks they're entitled to $200,000 one way vacation out of our house. Is it too late to fix this? I think she's far too immature and way too entitled and want to make her do a gap year before college. Her mother is a softy and thinks she deserves to begin college straight away.

This is developmentally normal behavior as she starts to separate from her family. She is just like all of the other teens (though she should not have her own car - that's ridiculous). She's not immature for her age - YOU are. You need some parenting classes. And yes - she should go away to college and not remain at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No job, no personal savings, drives a new car we bought her, lives a charmed life and yet talks like this. I can't wrap my head around how a teen thinks they're entitled to $200,000 one way vacation out of our house. Is it too late to fix this? I think she's far too immature and way too entitled and want to make her do a gap year before college. Her mother is a softy and thinks she deserves to begin college straight away.

Please forgive her. I acted the same way but never felt I did not love my parents or could not stand them. It was bad age of immature mind in the the adult body. In my heart I stand on my knees begging my parents for forgiveness, still. It has been 30 years.
No one hurts us more than the ones that we love, unfortunately.

But there is hope - your grandkids will pay your daughter back for your pain and than some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

If you don't think that she'll be a serious student, it may be best for her to go to a community college and maybe work a part time job. 17 is young and another year under her belt might make all the difference.

Kids that go to community college and live at home are often behind their peers for years. It's not a good idea unless the child is not successful at the 4 year college. I have seen a lot of promising young people still at the 2 year community college 4-6 years later, plodding along..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. I think lots of teens feel a need to spread their wings and leave their parents' house after they graduate HS. While the attitude and disrespect that she's showing is not acceptable, try to understand how difficult it would be to feel like a capable, confident young adult but still treated like a HS kid by your parents.

Are her grades good? Does she have good study habits? Does she have a major in mind?

Are there worries about drugs, drinking or hanging around with a bad crowd?

If not, maybe it's time to let her go...

I never "spoiled the nest" with my parents. I respected the heck out of them for saving the money to send me to my dream college.

Her grades are good. Study habits non existent. No major in mind. Yes, worried about immaturity and inability to balance partying and academics. And obviously, there's this lack of appreciation for the money on the line.

You, sir, are a manipulative POS that wants to control his family with the purse strings. You give money and then you want to reel them in for - attention? Obedience? Adulation? What is it? Whatever it is it is not healthy for your family and you need to stop. Get help before you ruin lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm not taking college off the table. I'm just convinced she's not mature or appreciative enough to take it seriously this fall. We sent our oldest daughter off to college and she flunked out. In retrospect the oldest needed a gap year too, but it was a tougher sell five years ago. Malia Obama has made it more mainstream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:State school. Live in the dorms . No car.

Check back in the spring.

You think going to UVA or UMD is punishment?